I'm Black Y'all

"Today is your last day?" My co-worker asked me.
"Yep. Like a Black father, I'm abandoning you guys when you need me the most."

I Fell In Love

'I'm just looking for a simple micro SD card for my daughter." A middle age woman said to me. "Nothing too  expensive, it's not like she really needs this. She gets enough gifts as it is."
"Yeah, kids are spoiled nowadays." I replied. "I go so few gifts for Christmas growing up, i wished I was Jewish just so I could get more presents."
"I really didn't get anything for Christmas either. I hate materialism and Derp-Mart. i'm only shopping here because my daughter insists on buying something here instead of another place because she's a dumb teenager.
She was the best customer I've ever had and I want to marry her.

They'll Grow Up Underprivileged and Probably Become Derp-Mart Workers

"Dance Central and the Disney game requires the kinect sensor bar, do you have one?" I asked a customer who's interested in buying a games for his children.
"No, but I won't need it. You can play it using a controller."
"Well, for most games, yeah. But for Kinect games, you need the camera."
"Nah, I'm ok."
You know what? Fine. Go. Leave with your game. When your kids are crying Christmas morning because they can't play their games, you can just say "Sorry kids, daddy was being a big dumb *&^% who didn't listen to the black guy and now I've ruined Christmas for you...again....for the 5th time.

I Almost Felt Sorry For Him

"I'm looking for a recorder." A customer said. "My boss has been mistreating us. So a bunch of us guys want to catch him. We deserve better, you know."
"Oh, you're preaching to the choir, brother." I replied.
"What does that mean?"
-_- You don't deserve better.

Maybe She Was Just Attracted To All This Man

"I'm gonna need you to do all my projects, in addition to yours." T, my associate buddy told me.
"Sure, since it's always the black guy doing all the work around here." I said just as a white customer had walked by. She stopped and slowly turned around with a "Say WHAT nigs?" look on her face.

Waiting Periods

We really need a waiting period for furniture. We get too many customers dragging us out to help them, only to decide against it right after we grab the product for them. Oh, you want a futon? Get back to us in an hour. This is just an insurance policy for us to make sure it's not an impulse buy and you really want it. We don't have time to deal with your bipolar $#@!

If Only I Could Strangle Them With the Cable

"Excuse me." a decrepit old woman holding an HDMI cable product called out to me. "I'm looking for an HDMI cable."
"Aside from the one you have in your hand?"
"Oh is this it?" She asked, looking down.
It *&^%in says HDI on the package! For the love of cheese and rice!

Hmm, It's Smaller. Maybe It Fits In A Pocket?

"Why does my daughter need a touch anyway?" A mother complained to me, confused at our extensive collection of ipod touches (2). "She already has an iPad."
"Maybe she's looking for something a little more portable."
"What does that mean."
It means you can take it places, you stupid bitch!

Locked In for The Night, With a Deranged Black Associate.

Let Me Just Pull One Out of My @$$

"We want this laptop here." A latino couple said.
"Sure thang." I told em. I checked the cabinet that the laptop should've been in. Nothing there. Checked the two cabinets next to it. Nope. Checked the ones on the other side. Nada. "We're all out."
"Are you sure? Check those other cabinets in the corner." Fine, I check. Zip. Just as I thought, again, not listening to the Black guy. "Can't you scan it?"
"I don't have the handheld that we use to scan it."
"Then go find it."
FML! I find someone with the handheld and have them see if we have it in stock. Zero.
"We don't have any but we do have 2 laptops in transit. They should be here in a few days."
"How about a different Derp-Mart?"
"No other Derp-Marts have this in stock."
"Are you sure? We drove a long way to get here."
Oh, why didn't you say so? In that case, we have special inventory just for folks from far away. -_-

Janitorial Disgust

I caught our janitor in the bathroom. No, that's not the disgusting part. Everyone needs to use the bathroom. He didn't wash his hands. Seriously dude, your job is to make sure everything is clean. I'd be like if I worked at Burger King and rubbed the patties all over my dick. Or I was a Catholic priest and raped kids. And don't go using that "but I'm crippled" excuse. I think you just fake walking around slow, so the managers don't give you $#@! like they do the rest of us.

Duh Comment #OVER 9000!

"I'm having a hard time finding the DVD Twilight: Breaking Dawn part 2."
No $#@! you're having a hard time finding a DVD that doesn't even exist, you dumb piece of $#@!

Cable Complications

"I need help with my cable box." A customer whined.
Well call your cable company then. Why the *&^% are you in Derp-Mart, you dumb *&^%?  How would I know anything about it? Derp-Mart doesn't pay me enough to afford cable.

Derp-Mart Needs to Supply Free Weed to Deal With This $#@!

"I need help." a Hispanic woman said to me.
Indubitably.
"How can I help you, miss?"
"I connect my blu-ray player to my TV but it doesn't work."
"Do you connect via HDMI?" I asked.
"Yes and it doesn't work."
"Ok, so the problem can be either the TV, the HDMI cable or the player. Do you have any other devices you can connect via HDMI?"
"No."
"Without testing the cable, the TV and the player on other devices, I can't really tell you where the problem is happening."
"So you don't know anything?"
There is no middle finger big enough, you stupid *&^%
"Does your player with work another cable?" I asked.
"No. Player doesn't work. Cable box works."
"Your cable box works."
"Yes. I connect through HDMI and it works."
So much for not having another HDMI device.
"In that case, there's something wrong with your Blu-Ray player."
"Blu-ray? I don't have that."
"What? then what are we trying to connect with your HDMI cable?"
"My DVD player."
ಠ_ಠ
"Does your DVD payer have HDMI output. Can you plug the cable into the DVD player."
"No."
"So, there's no picture when you connect with the cable because your DVD player doesn't have HDMI output."
"Yes. How do I connect with HDMI?"
Pass the Cyanide, please. You'll be doing me a favor.

I'd Cry, But I Have No Tears Left

Costco guy comes in

"Oh you only make 8.85 an hour? At Costco, starting wages are 14, plenty of room for advancement. And management treats you like a goddamn human being."

Wait, you make more money than I do on overtime AND take less abuse? I bet this is how liberals feel about Canada. 

I Had Such High Hopes For Her

A young lady came in, relatively attractive, the kind I could definitely date even though she shops at Derp-Mart. She wanted to do a price-match with a product from Target. She even brought in the printed ad. Unfortunately, the ad didn't have the price written on it, just that it was on sale. She looked the price up on her phone but we were uncertain if that was kosher or not. So we called back the customer service manager.
"Sorry." The manager apologized. "In order to price-match, the price needs to be printed on the ad."
"That's not what your policy is." She shot back.
"It's written down." The manager shows her on the price-match sign where it says the price needs to be in the ad. "We can only price-match what's written in the ad."
"I want a manager." She fumed.
"I am a manager."
"I want the store manager."
"Sure, but you'll be waiting for a while. It'll take 20 to 30 minutes before he can assist you."
"That's fine." She said, completely ignoring the fact that in 20 minutes, she can drive over to Target and buy the *&^%in item she's looking for. Why cute chick, why must you be so stupid and petty?

I'd Also Have a Lot of Nickels

"I bought a 43in TV from you guys and measured it. It only came out to 40in." a man on the phone complained.
"You need to measure diagonally, sir."
"What's that mean?"
"From a corner on one side to the opposite end."
"Oh ok."
You know, if I had a nickel for every stupid thing a customer did, Derp-Mart wouldn't have to pay me, I could easily live off the 100 grand I'd make a month.

They Find A Way To Screw Up

"I'm looking for a way to connect my laptop to my TV." A tall black gentlemen said.
I lead him over to the HDMI section and told him "Just connect the HDMI to your laptop and TV, and you're good to go."
"Thanks." he said, only to chase me down about half a minute later with a product in his hand. "Is this an HDMI cable?" he asked while holding a package that says coax cable on it.
How is it that I solve his problem for him and yet he still manages to *&^$ things up?!

Kinda Stupid Question #6 or Something

"Do you know where the wallets are?" An older teen asked me.
"Nope. Dude, I work for Derp-Mart. I have less money than the bum outside. What would I put in my wallet? Tears and pictures of my depression?"

Stupid Question #2134215575484563514577414351

"Is this game Resident Evil 6?" A customer asks, pointing to a game that has Resident Evil 6 written on the boxart.

Naysayers, More Like Lame-Sayers

I know there are some unbelievers out there saying that I’m crazy (which is true) insisting management doesn’t have contempt for us (that’s not true), they’re just trying to sell stuff (true) and that involves screwing over us workers repeatedly (eh, that’s kind of a gray area). But, the cherry on top of this $#@! Sundae is that management demands that we fill in the holes. Now, before you get excited over that, let me explain what holes want to be filled. When we’re out of a product, they want us to fill that hole with another product of the same price (see how not-sexy that was). So what, you say? Well have you ever tried putting stuff away? You do it by memory and this seriously messes with our brain. When I’m stocking away movies and see something else in its place, I automatically think I got the location wrong (me, get something wrong? Impossible, I know but it rarely happens and when it does I must kill all the witnesses). Now, I know some of you are vain, valuing style over substance but this presents another problem later on down the line. If we move a few movies from Place A to Place T to fill in an empty spot, that means less stock for place A and when it runs out, we place another product into it, from Place K. Pretty soon, everything will be in the wrong place. Now, that hurts the workers because restocking takes a lot more time and searching than it did before but it also hurts the company and the customers. Because we’re splitting the stock between two different places, that means less items in its original place, which causes it to run out faster. But when it runs out, we grab another item instead of replenishing or leaving the space empty. So, now helping customers find movies becomes an exercise in frustration (the worst kind of exercise), with dozens of movies either out of stock or in another unknown location. Like with the trailers and creating new sections, management didn’t foresee this little mishap happening. Well, either that or they did but they don’t care about workers, so either they’re incompetent or spiteful. I’m not sure which makes for a worse boss. We really should have a national debate about what’s worse. 

One Day, I Hope I Can Find Forgiveness For My Sin

I did something horrible today. No, I didn't punch a baby, kill a pet or swear at a customer and throw their dumb@$$ through that 80in TV we sell (though I'm always tempted to do that last one). No, what I did was deny a kid his World of Warcraft video game set. A mother asked for my opinion and, thinking she was trying to get into the game herself, told her to start with the battle chest and move up when you're ready. It wasn't until the end of the transaction that she told me it was for her spoiled son. And now, he won't get it for Christmas, most likely being scarred for life and growing up with a negative perception about people. He'll be funny, making jokes at other people's expense but that cynicism will be his downfall. Overestimating his strengths, he'll pick a useless major and end up doing menial work far below his skill set for wages not even trained monkeys would accept in a retail environment that makes him envy the dead. Believe me, I speak from experience.

They Like Touching

The alarm on our camera displays are always going off (every few minutes when it's extremely busy) and the alarm is so loud, you can hear it from the other side of the store (no exaggeration there). But we're forbidden to turn it off by corporate. So, our solution was to just remove the cameras from displays. That way, people won't touch the base where the alarm is. and, if I need to tell you if this solved our problem, you have some serious mental deficiencies.

Lunch Loss

So we got our lunch cut in half against. Either; A the associate lied to me about corporate banning half-hour lunches or 2 the rule is real and management doesn't give a flying *&%$. Actually, now that I think about it, 2 is definitely true irregardless of what the reason is.

So, want to know how management gets away with it? They're not forcing anyone to take a shorter lunch. They merely write it 1/2 lunch on the log book. Of course, they neglect to inform workers that the half lunch is optional, not mandatory. Did I mention that they don't give a flying *&%$ about workers? Or even a sitting one for that matter.

Happy Consumption Season, Prudes

"Thanks for shopping at Derp-Mart and Happy Holidays." My layaway associate buddy wished.
"What? No Merry Christmas? We get a lot of Christians in, what with the crazy Jehovah Witness worried about imaginary magic or the hipster ones who want our "Action Bible" comic book."
"You can't say Merry Christmas. People complain."
"Who would complain about that?!"
"Jewish customers."
"I should've known. And here all my Uber-Christian friends were blaming atheists for this."
"Nope, it's not them. They never complain."
"And why should they? You can't outcomplain a Jew, so why bother?"

Layaway Adventures Part $

There are 3 workers back in layaway, two people run to grab items in storage and trailers while one person mans the only computer. As I stood to the side of the person on the computer waiting for a list of what to pick up and where, a customer approached me.
"Are you helping customers here too?" the customer asked.
Yeah, just let me look up your order on my invisible computer, hurr durr.

Layaway Adventures Part 2

"Is there only one register back here?" A layaway customer complained, despite the fact that WE'RE GIVING HIM MORE TIME TO PAY FOR HIS $#@!
"Unfortunately, yes." We tell him.
"You're Derp-mart, you should have more."
blah blah blah blah blah. So, after a few more minutes, the "gentleman" finally got his turned. He gave us his receipt for an item he bought online and wanted to pick it up in store. We scanned it but an error came up. We tried again but got nothing. We entered his name in and still didn't get anything. We double-checked the receipt and discovered the problem.
"You're at the wrong Derp-Mart." We informed him.
"What? You mean I have to wait in line again?"
Yeah, lets call all the time wasted a stupidity tax.

Layaway Adventures Part A

For those of you familiar with Derp-Mart, you're probably surprised to hear me complaining about layaway, considering it ended a few days ago. Well, our managers decided that we should extend our layaway days for a few extra days. Why? Because customers didn't pay it off. They're so incompetent, they can't even purchase goods correctly. That's right, I went there. If you gave them the task of purchasing groceries, you'd starve to death. It can only be by the sheer grace of God that they're still alive because, given omnipotence, I would've ended their existence long ago.

As if that wasn't bad enough, managers moved a bunch of goods into our trailers and even created their own sections for those goods. I don't know why, considering we already made sections in the trailers. If you're looking for an item in a box in section 208, you have two different locations to look in because it could be referring to the old 208 we created or the new 208 that management made. I knew management didn't care for us but this just makes me think that they actively despise us.

Maybe He Has a Magic HDMI Finger

"I look for way to connect computer to TV." An Asian customer said to me in broken English.
"You'll need an HDMI cable." I replied, taking him over to our TV accessories section and grabbing him our cheapest cord.
"My computer no have this."
"It doesn't have an HDMI port? How old is your computer?"
"2 years."
"It should have one. They're on almost all computers nowadays." I explained.
"I have this one over here." He led me over to a display model of the laptop he had. "It only has these holes, no HDMI." He put his hand on the side of the computer, and I kid you not, his finger was right on the HDMI port. I politely told him that he had his finger on the port but I should've just left enough alone. If you can't find the HDMI port under your finger, do you really deserve to connect it to your TV? Do you even have the mental capacity for such an endeavor?

If I Had Psychic Powers, I'd Make People Shut Up...and Smarter.

"Excuse me.An older black gentlemen called out for me. "I need a wireless keyboard and mouse."
"Certainly." I replied, leading him over to our computer accessories section.
"Nothing too expensive. I just need something to hold me over."
"Our cheapest wireless models are $26 for an ONN model or $29 for an HP model. They both come with a wireless keyboard and wireless mouse." I explained.
"Good. You see, I work with a company and they're sending me a new keyboard and mouse but it won't get here for another 3 weeks. So I need another one."
"Right, well if you need anything else, don't be afraid to ask." I said, getting ready to leave.
"Wait, which one would you recommend?"
"Which ever one you think looks more comfortable. It's just to hold you over till you get your replacements in."
"But stay here and guide me through these different options."
And thus began my 10 minute journey into the banals of human communication. Please, strike me down where I stand, God.

It's Like A Black Hole of Suck

There's a McDonald's and it has wifi, but you as a customer will never be able to access it. Because Derp-Mart has its own wi-fi but only managers can use it. But their wi- fi blocks the signal from the wifi in Micky D's. Our Derp-Mart sucks so much, it makes things around us suck.

Blast From the Past

"Excuse me, I'm looking for a VHS player."
Did you just jump out of a time machine?

The Stupidity Hurt My Brain So Much, I Can't Think of a Title

"We're looking for that wireless internet." a redneck couple asked me.
"Sure, we have routers over here in our network section." I said leading them over to the aisle.
"So, with this we'll have internet in our home." the wife said.
"...No, this will allow you to access internet wirelessly, you still need to have an Internet Service Provider."
"Oh,do you guys sell internet here?"
...Ouch...

They're Like Children

"Excuse me." A customer interrupted me while on the phone.
"I'll be with you in sec." I replied back.
"Excuse me." They interrupted again. "Excuse me!"
I'm on the $#$!!1#$!@ phone, shut the #@$!$ up!!!

Wii U? No, $#@! U!

"Can you play Wii U games on the wii?" A housewife asked.

Oh boy, here we go again.

"No, you can't. You'll need to purchase the new system in order to play the Wii U games." I replied.

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"I think my husband said he could think of a workaround, so we can play them on a wii."

Your husband is a dumb@$$, as are you. 

Stupid Thing Said #12084723987012491123421

"No, I don't want a Sony DVD player. I need a DVD player that hooks up to a TV."

I Should Just Become A Mute

"We picked this TV up at the front." A group of "African-American" said. (I can't say Black anymore? Next you'll complain about me calling white people honkey crackas.) "But we want to buy another TV back here. Do we have to put this one back at the front?"
"Yeah." I replied. "We don't have any room for it back here. It's why we put those particular TVs up in the front in the first place."
One of the black guys takes the TV out of the cart, replaces it with the TV they want and then they all walk off, leaving me there with the TV. The only thing that's baffling to me is why they even bothered asking. I would've preferred them just leaving it there without asking, at least they would only be showing contempt for us electronic workers. Now they're just showing contempt for me.

One Fish, Two Fish, Black Fish, Cat Fish

We don't normally deal with the pet department next door. In fact, us electronics people never help. But, after a customer was kept waiting for an associate to help her with the fishes, we had to step up to the plate.
"I want those black fish there." the elderly black woman informed us (I took an extra associate with me for backup). We grabbed a plastic bag, the kind you get at carnivals, filled it with the right temperature water and went fishing for the fish that she wanted. "I want 3...no wait, I want 2. Or do I want 3? How many do I want?"
"3?" I asked.
"Ok, 3." She confirmed. We grabbed the 3 and handed it to her."Oh and one of the tiny cat fish."
"So, 4 fish total?" I double-checked.
"Wait, 4? No. 3. Just these 3" She said and left....only to return a few minutes later. "You didn't give me my cat fish."
"You said you didn't want it."
"No, I definitely want them. And I don't want these yellow fish. I want the orange ones." She said, handing me back the black fish.
"Yellow fish? You mean black?"
"Black?"
"These fish are black, not yellow." I told her.
"Whatever they are, I don't want them. I want orange. 3 of them."
So I put the black fish back in the tank, and fished out a cat fish and 3 orange fishes and handed it to her.
"Right, I got it all."
"Yes."
"Wait, I need a cat fish."
"You have the cat fish, it's right here." I said, pointing to the bag with the fish.
"And the orange?"
"In the bag next to the cat fish one."
"Ok. Do I need anything else?"
"No?"
"No. Ok, thank you so much."
I don't think that woman has all her screws in place. And I highly doubt she remembers where she lived. As far as I'm concerned, she's still driving around, wondering not only where she lives, but what she's doing.

New Policy: Treat Employees As Well As You Would A Friend

Last New Policy proposal and this one is for both customers and Derp-Mart. Until our robot overlords conquer all mankind, retail employees are going to be human and because we're human, we deserve respect and consideration. For customers, this is easy to accomplish. A few please and thank yous, plus just general kindness and courteous will be more than enough. As for Derp-Mart, you massage the balls of our customers, why not us workers? You'd think that you'd at least do that, since you clearly aren't paying us anything decent. See, the problem is your philosophy. You're all about the customer, neglecting us workers. You justify it to yourself by claiming that without the customer, you're out of business, which is true. But you forget that without us workers to sell stuff to them, you're out of business as well. Push people far enough, and they might get crazy ideas, like they should unionize or something. And we all know you don't want that.

New Policy: Take Your $#@! Upfront

Ok peeps, I know it's the holiday time and the lines for the registers up at the front of the store can get pretty long but bringing all your groceries to the back isn't going to solve any problems. As I said in the last piece, we don't have the ability to process a large quantity of items, we're an electronics section, we're only equipped to do a few items. Up front, they have a conveyor belt and a quicker way to bag items (not to mention we occasionally have bag boys/girls), we don't. So while you won't be waiting in line with us, you will be waiting just as long because ringing you guys up takes considerably longer. So, be kind, rewind. And take your $#@! upfront!

Our Education System Has Failed

A mother comes up and drops a load on the counter (load of shopping items, not...well, never mind). Unforgivable sin #1 is bringing us a bunch of stuff to ring up from other departments. We don't have the ability to process a large quantity of items in electronics. After ringing up her items, she hands me a coupon.
"I have this buy-one-get-one-free coupon for the Spyro Skylanders toys." I looked at the coupon, there was no Derp-Mart name or logo on it. So I called over a much more knowledgeable associate to help me. He glanced at it and immediately said "We only do price-matching here. We don't do promotional coupons."
"What's the difference?" She asked.
"Price-matching is when we change the price of our product to match the price of a competitor. Promotional coupons are getting items for free as long as you purchase a certain amount of another item."
"Fine!" She spat. "Here, process this coupon." she handed over a $5 off your purchase at Bed, Bath and Beyond coupon.
"This is a promotional coupon." My associate said.
"Just try ringing it up in the register." She demanded.
I scanned the barcode and the register rejected it. "Maybe you need to call in assistance from customer service. See if they'll process it." I got on the phone and contacted our customer service reps up at the front. Nope, we don't take it.
"Whatever. Doesn't hurt to try." she finished, paid for her items and left fuming.
Oh, buy it should. It should.

Taxi 2

I had to get another Taxi again and, being the idiot that I am, used the same service that I had last time. You know, the one that left me waiting for 2 and a half hours.
"Have you ordered a taxi from us before?" The representative asked.
"Yes."
"Let me check our database...hmm, you're not in our system."
What a coincidence. After using their services a few times, I suddenly disappear from their database after waiting for half a year.

Tis the Season to be Crazy

A customer came in, printed off 14 photos and came up to the register. We rang her up and she busted out her checkbook. A check to pay for 14 photos that didn't cost more than $5. A check!!! WTF is wrong with these people?!

Customers Don't Care

I was on my way to the front of the store, I had a stack of $5 DVDs and, for some weird reason, we keep those at the front of the store, instead of at the back (probably because we're hoping customers impulse buy).
"I'm looking for the $5 bin." A customer asked me, with his wife in tow.
"That's actually located up front. I'm heading up there now with these DVDs, I can show you where it's at." I replied.
"Nah, it's ok." He replied. "Actually, I'll take this movie out of your hands though." He grabs a movie out of my pile and replaces it with one he got out of our electronics department. "Here, you can take that back for me."
Thanks a lot, @$$hole.

I'm So Unethical

"How big is this TV?" An elderly gent with his wife asked.
"That's a 26in TV, sir." I replied.
"You sure? It says down here that it's 22.6in" He said, pointing to the info tag we attach to TVs.
"That's the length. TVs are measured diagonally."
"You're just making that up."
You caught me, customer. I was lying. All because I wanted to sell this TV so I can earn that sweet 0% commission Derp-Mart is giving me.

I Deserve a Medal

We had our full lunch time restored. Guys from corporate came into our store to check everything out and they overheard our complaints while checking out the electronics. Not going to take credit for this but I am going to say that I have a big mouth.

A Day That Will Live in Infamy

"I'm looking for the movie 1941." A customer asked.
"1941? I don't recall us having that movie."
"You sure? It was an extremely popular movie. By that Bay guy."
"You mean Pearl Harbor?"
"Something like that."
My brain just tried to squeeze out of my ear in an escape attempt.

I'm Guessing It's the Latter

It's always something with customers. First we have people fumbling with pennies and now we have people buying a set of double A batteries with a $100 bill. Seriously, people? I don't have that much cash in the register. I just called for a refill on bills two minutes ago and now I need to call again. Derp-mart would accuse me of stealing in a nanosecond if they weren't constantly watching me on surveillance  I'm not sure if they're always watching or if it's cause I'm Black.

Bond, James Bond

"Do you guys have Skyfall?" An elderly customer asked me.
"Skyfall? The new Bond movie in theaters now?"
"Yeah, do you have it on DVD?"
ಠ_ಠ

I Think They're Doing This On Purpose

"If I give you the model number, can you look up a laptop for me?" A phone customer asked.
"We don't have a database of laptops but if you tell me the brand and specs, I can see if we have it."
"Well, the model number is..."
ಠ_ಠ

It Doesn't Take Much For Me

"Dude, that customer was totally flirting with me." I bragged
"Her?" He replied. "She's an associate here. She flirts with all the guys."
"But she actually flirted with me. That never happens, even with whores. We must celebrate this occasion with alcohol."
"We're not allowed to drink while at work."
"Why don't they just stick a no fun sign up?!"

Tablet Troubles 2

"My husband is looking for one of these." A black woman in nurse garb said while pointing at a tablet.
"A tablet?"
"Is that what they're called? Yeah, I think that's what he wants. Do they go on the internet?"
"Yeah, these tablets have wi-fi."
"What's that?"
"It can connect to the internet wirelessly if you have a wireless router."
"You mean the internet is in the air?"
"...Yeah, kind of."
"Wow. Ok, so these are tablets, right?"
"Right. Tablets are like laptops. More like a big iPod, really."
"What's an iPod? Is that a phone?"
...I'm sorry, are you from the past?!

Tablet Troubles

"I want to buy a tablet for Christmas" A middle-age customer requested.
"Ok. Is there a particular kind you're looking for?"
"Not really. I'm not entirely sure what you can do with them. I just saw an iPad once and just want to have a tablet."
You want something even though you have no idea what you can do with it. That's the textbook definition of having too much money while being too stupid.

Sometimes, I Just Get Lucky

"Do you guys have the granite crusher skylander in stock?" An old fat grandmother asked.
"Not sure, let's check." I replied.
"Oh, I've been looking everywhere for it. If you have it I'll smother you in so many hugs and kisses you'll suffocate."
Oh please, for the love of God, make all the crusher figurines disappear.
"Oh no, we don't have any in stock." I said after looking.
Winning!

Thought Process

Please, don't pay with cash. Please don't pay with cash. Please, don't pay with cash.
"I'm going to pay with cash."
FML!!

Can We Have a Truce?

Derp-Mart, I know we don't really like each other. I never shop at your store, except to buy lunch and I have the balls to demand payment from you for hours worked in your store. I hoard money like it's valuable. But can we call a truce? Just for a little while? I mean, I don't hate you. I don't like you either. Think of it more as a tolerate (I do think those commercial of yours showing happy workers who have been with Derp-Mart for years is a bit much, it's borderline false advertising.) And you certainly can't hate me. I'm a hard worker, I'm Black (I know you like ethnic, I've seen your staff). In fact, I'm the good black electronics worker, not like that other guy who was lazy, knocked his girlfriend up, and got caught stealing over a thousand dollars of merchandise and is now behind bars. See, you're lucky to have me. And I'm lucky to have you. Being black with a college degree didn't go nearly as far as I thought it would (I thought it would go somewhere and it ended up going nowhere). So, in the last week I'm working, please make me feel like the best week ever for me. Make me come home every night and say "Man, I've got nothing for you guys. Nothing bad happened to me. If the last entry of this book is this post, it's going to suck so much @$$." So, can we do this small favor, for me? The one who essentially consumes an entire Walgreens just to come to work everyday, all for you. <3

PENNIESSSSS!

I know some of you thought I wrote penis as the title to this post. I thought the same thing and wondered what was wrong with me because I meant to write pennies. But then I double-checked it and I got it right the first time, making me wonder what's wrong with me for making me think I had it wrong the first time. 

You can probably tell where this post is going, it's about pennies (sorry people who were hoping for something different). Every once in a while we'll get those poor shmucks who come in and insist on having exact change. They'll fumble around in their purses or man-purses for change. Some taking so long we can send a manned mission to mars to study for a decade and have them back in less time. People, just get a debit card and use that. Seriously, it's so quick. Just a simple scoop, stir, thank you sir...wait, I'm thinking of something else...

Childish Cretin

A guy comes in, looking for the 5th Harry Potter Movie. He called ahead and asked if we had it, which we did but only a handful of copies we sold by the time he showed up.
"That's bull$#@!"
"Sorry, sir. It's an extremely popular movie."
As I was walking away, I heard some noises behind me and turned back to see him tossing around our Harry Potter DVDs in anger. Really dude? Really? Thankfully, we already sold most of the DVDs so there weren't very many for him to throw around.

They've Taken Everything I Love

So, I'm helping a customer exchange a 50in TV with a 55in when the customer service manager from the front asks me if I'm register trained because they need help up front.

"Yeah, we're all register trained back here but I'm busy with a customer and then I need to take my 15 minute break."

"You need to take your break?" He asks, bewildered at the prospect of a person needing rest.

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"Because we get breaks every 2 hours."

"You don't need that break." Oh thanks for knowing the exact condition of my body, person I've never met before in my life. "Hand that TV off to another associate and come up front with me."

What? You're taking my break away too? First you increased my hours, made me full time without benefits, you cut my lunch in half and now you're taking away my breaks. What next? My family and friends? Oh $#@!, you've already taken them?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Dumb Question #12456754743512

"Excuse me, does anyone work here?" A customer asked.
No, we all just wear the derp-mart colors and hangout here cause we're super geeks.

At Least Pretend to Care!!

Well, I had gotten back from my lunch (they cut our lunch time in half because it was getting busy and we'd be working hard. Remember, at Derp-Mart the more you work, the less rest you need, though this only applies to electronics workers, everyone else gets the normal time) and was looking for my boss.
"Our boss went home hours ago." My associate told me. "What's up?"
"I'm going in for surgery in a week and a half. I need to get her the heads up about my last day."
"Excuse me!" a supervisor interrupted. "Are we talking or are we working?"
"Both." I replied.
She walks over to where I'm standing, looks at me and says "Well, get working."
Can we at least to pretend to fucking care Derp-Mart?! That's all I'm asking for. Pretend. Humor me. Tap me on the shoulder and tell me you care with the biggest, $#@!-eating grin you can muster. Something that can't be held against you in a court of law. Most people express condolences when they hear someone is going into surgery not "Get back to work, bitch!".

They're Not Even TRYING!!!

Rant Rage (Warning: Not Funny, Language, Somewhat Boring, Read Only If You Have Nothing Better To Do)

I was helping a new-hire troubleshoot some pesky cash register quirks. An annoying task that pops up every once in a while. Nothing really note-worthy about the situation, other than I was 15 minutes past my break time. My boss would soon walk by. “Hey _____,  can you zone?”

“Sure.” I replied. “Which section?”

“Everywhere.” This is a request managers ask of lazy and incompetent employees.

Let me say this: I have a bum knee. No, I’m not complaining. In fact, I don’t demand to be treated differently than anyone else. I consider myself a hard work and work just as hard as everyone else in electronics. More so, at points because I’m willing to do the mundane tasks no one else wants to (usually things that involve lots of walking). I can and do take a lot of abuse, both physical and mental.

I’m not asking to be rewarded with stock or money or pussy, though all that would be nice. All I’m asking is for some recognition for a job well done. It’s a small gesture that doesn’t cost anything (a fact I’m sure Derp-Mart is pleased to know.). Not only am I not receiving anything for my contributions but you’re insinuating that I’m not doing anything, that I’m a lazy or bad worker. And that really grinds me gears.

Especially since I’m the only associate that has our entire movie and most of our games catalog memorized. While other workers fumble with our paper inventory list and playing Where’s Waldo with where movies are located, I can tell  customers not only if we have their particular movie but also where it’s located and for most movies, if we have it in stock. More often than not, associates just relay inventory-related questions to me if I’m in the area. And it’s a skill that can only come about through an incredible memory along with lots of restocking. I’m always moving, something you’d hardly expect someone with bone fragments floating around in his knee.

The cherry on top of this $#@! Sundae is that I’m the only college-educated electronics associate, working more hours (full-time with no benefits) than we agreed on for far less money than I requested. And I’m one of two black people in the department and the only one who isn’t a baby-daddy, so I deserve mad props for breaking stereotypes. You’ve got a near-genius for pennies more than minimum wage and you can’t even realize that. So shape up. Otherwise you can go clone yourself so you can go f*** yourself

Childish Crank

“I’m here to pick up an online order.” A customer informed me.

“Pick-ups are done back in the photo center.”

“I checked back there. There’s no one behind the counter.”

I walked with her to the back to process her order but there was a pick-up already happening on the computer. There were a line of people also waiting to be attended.

“An associate is currently picking up an order. They’re probably out in the trailers getting it.” I informed the customer.

“Can you just get the item for me?”

“I can’t fulfill any orders on the computer until the current transaction has been completed. And you’d have to wait your turn behind the other customers.”

“I just have one item! Is it too hard to just run to the back and get it for me?”

“I don’t know what item you ordered nor what section it’s being stored in.”

“Get me a manager!! I am not waiting in this long line for one thing!” She complained.

We should be getting her a muzzle and some valium. Worse yet, the manager let her cut ahead in line, so her order was the next one processed. No wonder Derp-Mart has the worst customers. We give them exactly what they want when they should be getting an electric cattle-prod up the @$$.

Sometimes, Violence IS the Answer

 “I need help with the photo machine.” A customer said, dragging me to our one-hour photo machines. “Only one photo was loaded and I need two.” I started doing some trouble shooting only to have her complain about the speed. “Can we hurry it up? I need to get my daughter to a reception in 20 minutes.” Well, we certainly picked a great time to do photos. “Can you call someone else to help me?” I looked around, didn’t see any available associates. “What about that worker on the next machine?”

“He’s helping a customer with their order.” I told her.

“So? Bring him over here. I need to get this done or I’ll be late.”

Why? Why can’t I take a bat to these people’s heads? Really, I’d be doing the world a favor.

Porn Talk

“Are the instructions to device in English or in Spanish?” An extremely obese customer in plaid and overalls asked, referring to one of our  routers.

“It’s in both.”

“Ok, thanks. I just needed to make sure. I’m from Canada and only know English.” Thanks for the useless info. “I do know a bit of French though. I learned it by watching French porn.” And that’s too much info for me. I can’t get the image of him out of my head now. Someone pass me the bleach.

Idiot Interrupter

 A customer called in, asking about a laptop we were going to have for a sale the next day.

“Yeah, we’ll have it but not until…”

“Bro, can you shut up and listen?” the customer interrupted. “I wasn’t done talking.” >(

“I’m sorry.” I needlessly apologized.

“I wanted to ask, will you have them in stock?”

“Yes.”

“Can I pick it up at midnight?”

“Absolutely.”

“Great, that’s all I wanted to know.” He said and hung up.

Someone’s going to be mighty disappointed come midnight to find out the sale doesn’t start until the morning. 

Lazy-Way 2

“Wait, layaway ends on the 14^th?” A mother looking to purchase a WiiU asked.

“Yes. You have to have it paid off by the 14^th. We empty our trailers on the 15^th and everything goes back onto the floor.

“That’s not fair. You’ve only had layaway for a short while.” It’s been available since September. But she’s right, in the 14 billion years since the universe existed, September is just a short while. “How much do I have to put down to put this on layaway?”

“10%”

“It costs $300. How much is 10% of that? I’m not a math genius.”

Is that all it takes to be a genius? I’m totally taking up that moniker.

“$30” I answered.

“There’s no way I’ll be able to pay it off by then. My husband is a contractor, so we only get money when someone contracts him, you know? Can’t you make an exception for me? I really want to get a WiiU for my son.” She said, hugging her son.

Sure, just let me relay this sentimental message to the computer. They totally care about stuff like this. 

Mexican’t

 “I look for Lego game.” A Hispanic gentleman asked me.

“Sure thing,” I said, leading him over to our games section. “Which system and game are we looking to purchase?”

“Lego game.” He replied.

“I know, but for which system? Wii? DS? Playstation? Xbox?”

“The Lego game.”

“I understand but for what console?”

“Building lego.” He clarified

“You mean the toys?”

“Yes.”

“That’s in the toy department.”

Medal of Dishonor

“Hey bro..” a customer on the phone started “I know Black Ops 2 comes out soon. But can I pay you extra to get it early?”

“Call of Duty Black Ops 2?”

“Yeah.”

“First of all, I can’t sell games early, even if I wanted to. Second, Black Ops 2 came out a month ago.”

“It did? Wait, what’s the date today?”

“It’s December.”

See, see what I have to deal with society? One of the biggest game releases of the year and customers haven’t even realized that people have been playing it for weeks! 

A Humble Request

Derp-Mart, if you’re going to force me to wear a name-tag so strangers can call me by name (something I will never ever get used to) can we at least spell my name right when you write it? Seriously, you’re looking at the spelling when you’re looking at me. How do you $#@! Something like that up? Then again, it’s Derp-Mart so I guess I already answered my own question, didn’t I? But still, it’s only fair that you pretend to care about me, after all I pretend to care about customers. 

Canon Cry

“I want this Canon Camera.” An old whiney white woman demanded. I managed to find the camera rather quickly and handed it to her. “No, I want the white one!” Of course you do. I spend another 5 minutes searching through all our cabinets for the white version of the camera. We don’t have it. “I wanted the white one.” She whined and walked off. It’s the same damn camera! Just take it!!

Security S***

So, Derp-Mart put a security guard at the bathroom because an associate, just one, was taking one too many bathroom breaks. They can’t pay us decent wages but there’s always money to pay people to mistreat us (it's practically their company policy. Giving cheap goods to an undeserving public was just a side-effect). This company loves us so much. So they wanted to prevent people from using it too much, not by words but just by intimidation. There’s not really much else they can do. It’s not like they can discipline people for that. It can’t be considered stealing because we aren't paid anywhere near enough for the few seconds we spend in the bathroom to be worth anything. WTF is wrong with this company? 

Check Please

I’ve used checks a handful of times in my life. All payments made for rent. But I’ve never ever seen anyone use a check when making a purchase, till today. Considering the ease and availability of plastic, you’d think we’d dispense with checks. Dealing with paper is annoying enough. Well, a customer came in, determined to pay with a check and it took a handful of associate to even figure out how to process the thing. Why so many? Because no one knows how to do it. Who uses checks nowadays anyway? Very old women, that’s who. The 21^st century started over a decade ago grandma, get with the times! 

Logic Lost

“Where are the Men in Black 3 DVDs?” A customer asked.

“We have a Men in Black 3 display next to the movies.” I answered.

“Where are the Men in Black 3 DVDs?” A customer behind me asked me. I turned around and answered the same question again. “Ok, I was just testing you. You seem like the forgetful type.”

Thanks for the insult. Though this same customer would later come back and ask me to help her with her computer purchase claiming that I “seem like someone who knows a lot about electronics.” You know, typically you don’t insult people you’ll later be needing help from. But then again, you’re Derp-Mart customer, so we all know logic isn’t your strong suit. 

New Policy – Don’t Steal Our Carts

Since customers can’t be bothered to spend the few seconds it takes to put things away, we have to. Worse yet, customers will leave stuff that doesn’t belong in our area. So we grab a cart from the front and stick all the items into this cart so we can relocate it to the appropriate department. As if leaving $#@! In our area wasn’t enough, customers even manage to steal the carts. We’re trying to clean up your mess! Stop making things worse. Though they’re always nice enough to leave the items in cart lying around, forcing us to do the entire process over again. Thanks a lot, customers you dicks.

Grumpy Grandmother

I was called back to the photo center, a little counter where the bathrooms are in our electronics section.
"I'm picking up a bike I bought for my granddaughter online." an elderly woman said to me as the associate came out of the back with a small pink bike in tow.
"That's not the bike, is it?" She asked.
"It is." My coworker replied.
"Mine was supposed to come in a box."
"None of our bikes come in boxes. You'd have to order one from our warehouses to get that."
"Was this used? It looks used. There's a yellow mark on the tire and it looks like someone was riding around on it."
"It came from our bike rack. We let our customers access the bike so they can see if it'll be a good fit for them."
The ping pong match between the old lady and my buddy went back and forward for another few rounds, she complained more about the bike, the store and even a few of us employees until she eventually ran out of complaints and just demanded her money back. The associate politely informed her we couldn't do any exchanges back here. Only customer service located up in the front could give her what she wanted. She looked at the worker, then at the bike and finally at me before saying "Can you carry this bike up to customer service for me? I have a bad back and can't carry."
Oh, of course. I love doing things for bitches who are never satisfied with anything.

Resume Refinement

A rather attractive customer came up to me and asked my opinion on something, which made me happy because usually they never care for my opinion and hot chicks never ever talk to me (they found someone else to fix their computers, I guess).
"I'm wondering. Which of these papers would you think be better for writing a resume on?" The cute Asian asked, showing me two sets of sheets. One was a piss yellow color while the other one was a drab gray.
"I'm a bit of a gray fan myself, so I'd venture you should go with that one. But, I'm a college-educated guy working for Derp-Mart so you should probably do the exact opposite of everything I say."
And do the opposite she did, and bought the yellow paper. But at least she chuckled first and called me funny. I think she likes me.

Derp-Mart GED

In the Derp-Mart breakroom, there's a company ad saying that they'll reimburse all employees GED costs (up to $300). What bullet points did they write to entice workers to obtain their degree? These ones, though they left off some crucial bits of information I added back in (within the parenthesis, so you don't get confused.

• Income rises as level of education rises (though not here).
• Many jobs require a High School diploma or a GED (but not us).
• GED opens doors to opportunity (though not here.)
• GED graduates gain confidence and self-esteem (but you won't because you work here)
• Educated parents raise educated kids (but you're not educated, you struggled to get a GED for Heavens sake!)

Freakin Weeaboos

"Excuse me." A grotesque teenage girl trapped me. "Does this Inuyasha DVD have Japanese and English language tracks?" She handed me a DVD and I checked the back. It did. I guess they don't teaching reading in school anymore.
"It does."
"Ok, I need both because I have a hard time keeping up with subtitles. It's just too quick for me." Can I call them or what? "Did you know that you can watch some episodes on youtube?"
"Nope." I said, slowly moving away.
"Well, you can but there's only a few episodes. So I've been trying to collect them all on DVD so I can watch it." she said, as she followed me around the department, talking incessantly about Inuyasha and how much she liked the characters and story. I've been caught in a Weeaboo tractor beam. Oh God, please save me. I promise to start going back to church. "Hold on, I have to call my mom to see if she'll by it for me." Oh yes, a chance to get away while she's on the phone. Oh, and um...Sundays are a bad day for me. Can we reschedule, big guy? Thanks.

Derp-Mart Sense

"That DVD isn't the right price. I got it out of the $7.88 bin." A she-monster complained
"I'm sorry." My co-worker apologized. "A customer probably put it there by mistake. The actual price is 12.97."
"That's not right. I should get it for $7.88 since I found it in the bin."
So a customer puts a movie back in the wrong place and you feel we should be obligated to honor that price point? Only to our customers would that make sense.

The Problem? They're Too Cheap. Just Like Derp-Mart

"What's wrong with these TVs?" An older man cornered me, asking about a set of Sanyo TVs we had on the floor.
"Nothing. Those are just extras we had in stock that we couldn't seem to sell.
"Why not? There has to be something wrong with them."
"Nothing wrong. People just opted for other models."
"That can't be it, there has to be something. Either you're not telling me or you don't know."
He caught us. The Styrofoam packing is made with asbestos. Derp-Mart's secret plan was to offer poor people low price $#@! products that kill them.

First Time For Everything

"I'm here to pick up a digital picture frame." a customer informed me. "It was put on hold."
I look around behind the counter where we usually store the held items. Couldn't find it.
"I can't seem to find it, ma'am. Let me go see if we have it in stock."
"It was supposed to be put on hold!" She whined.
I quickly ran over to the aisle to grab the product (luckily we had two in stock) and came back.
"Ok, just one digital frame, right?"
"Forget it, I don't want it anymore." I do believe this is the first time that a customer was mad at us and we actually had the product they wanted. "What's the point in calling if you won't put it on hold for me?"
What's the point in complaining when we have the product you're looking for!!

The Secret Is BS

"I'm looking for The Secret on DVD." an elderly customer said.
"We don't carry that in stock. In fact, I didn't even know it was a DVD. I've just heard of the book." I replied.
"Yeah, it's on DVD. I loved the book so much. Did you like it?"
"Well, I work for Derp-Mart so I think the author owes me an apology."

Maybe He Thinks MIB 3 Is Non-Fiction

"Do you guys have Men In Black 3?" A male customer asked me
"No, I don't believe it's been released yet."
"It gets released tomorrow." He told me.
So why the $#@! would we have it today? Just because time travel works in the movie, doesn't mean it will in real life.

Whiny Witch

"My daughter's looking for the Edward Scissorhands movie." A pissy obese mother with her teen daughter snorted.
"I don't believe we keep that in stock."
"Can you go check?"
I run over to our drama section, quite literally two seconds away from where the woman was standing. We didn't have it.
"Nope, we don't have it."
"What? Where did you look?"
"In our drama section. It's where we'd keep it if we had it in stock?"
"Can you see when you'll be getting it in stock."
"There's no system set up for us to check to see if we'll get it in stock. I highly doubt we will, since that movie's over two decades old."
"Ask someone else if they know." She demanded, just as another associate was walking by.
"Hey, are we getting the movie Edward Scissorhands in stock?" I asked.
"No." My coworker replied, without even stopping to exchange pleasantries.
No other words were exchanged. The mother just waddled away empty handed. Here's hoping she never gets that movie.

I'm Getting Too Old For This $#@!

"I have a question. Do you guys have any DS XL games?"
"Nintendo DS games?" I asked.
"DS XL, for the bigger system."
"Any DS game will work."
"Naw uh. I tried playing my 3DS game on it and it didn't work."
"3DS games will only work on a 3DS handheld."
"No, DS games also work on it." she snapped back at me, eager to prove me wrong on something it seems.
"Yes, DS games work on a 3DS, as well as a regular DS and DS XL."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"If my DS games don't work, I'm coming back to complain."
Lets be serious here, you're going to come back and complain no matter what. It's only in your nature. Your life is so devoid of meaning, the only fulfillment you get is complaining to us retail workers, trying to prove your intellectual superiority to people who earn so little, it's practically slavery. But, joke's on you. I'm Black. I'm already used to, not only slavery, but also White people complaining about me.

No Hablo Español

"Do you speak Spanish?"
"No."
They proceed to speak Spanish in the vain hope that I understand them.

Displeased Diety

I was helping a mother of 3 grab a video game for her daughter. You know, normal stuff I deal with.
"You can have any game you want as long as it doesn't have magic." she said.
"Magic?" I uttered.
"Yeah, magic. You know where magic comes from, don't you? The devil."
She ended up settling on a game about talking ponies. So, let me get this straight. Talking ponies is totally fine but Harry Potter saving people with magic makes Jesus mad? Got it.

Intel Incompetent

"My son-in-law says I need a laptop with an Intel processor. Does this laptop have it?" An elderly asked (to me, I'm assuming. There was no 'excuse me' or 'hey peasant' like the others). I glanced at it and realized it had what she was looking for.
"Yeah, it has the chip you're looking for, but.." I started.
"See, that's what I told him but he didn't believe me. He says to only buy a laptop with an Intel Processor in it. Here, you talk to him." She said, handing me the phone.
"Um...hi?" I answered.
"Does the laptop have an Intel Processor?" he asked me.
"Yes, but..."
"Ok." he interrupted and hung up.
"Well, what did he say?" She asked me.
"He said ok."
"Ok then. I'd like to buy this laptop."
"We're all sold out."

Stupid Question 3

"Can I play WiiU games on my wii?"
If you could, why would they even bother with a new system, you dumb $#@!

I Have Quite The Potty Mouth

My boss asked me to do a carry out for a wheel-chair bound woman and her son. They had just bought a display TV and needed help getting it out to their car. When we get outside, she tells her son to go grab the car and bring it around front so we don't have to walk around much. The son must've gotten lost at some point because we stood around waiting for a while. It was a dark night with a chill wind blowing.
"Brr, sure is cold." The woman says, reaches behind her back to pull out a sweater she was sitting in front of. "Good thing I brought my sweater." -_- "Oh, here's my son." she said, pointing down the parking lot to one of three cars. A normal convertible, a van and a sports car. I kept praying that it wouldn't be the sports car. Please, for the love of the pope, don't let it be the tiny sports car. It stops in front of us and the son gets out.
"Sorry, I forgot where we parked." He said. "Lets see if we can fit this TV in our car."
#$@#@ ME UP THE #$@#$ YOUR MOTHER #@$@#% HAMSTER #%@#$@ IN A CAGE FULL OF MONKEY #@$@#$@ MOTHER TERESA'S #$@$@@#$@$@#$@ WITH A SHOVEL!

Not This $#@! Again

"Can you tell me the difference between the 8GB and 16GB SD cards?" A middle-aged couple asked me.

"16 holds twice as much as 8." I swear, at this point they're just playing around. 

"How many photos is that?" The man asks.

"It depends on your camera and the picture quality."

"I have a 1.00 GB at home and it holds 700. So how much would these hold?" The wife asked me, making this the first instance in history white people are asking a Black guy to do math for them. 

"You're looking at 5600 photos for 8GB and 11,200 for the 16GB."

"Wow, that's a lot of photos." She replied. 

"Ok, I have a Nikon camera at home. I even wrote down the type on a piece of paper." The husband said pulling out a piece of paper from his pocket. "How many photos will this camera hold for the 8 and 16?"

Oh please God, kill me now. 

Two Pussies

"I have a question." A young mother said. "Are there two Puss N Boots movies?"
"No."
"Oh ok. I bought the movie once and then I saw the movie with a different cover so I bought that too, thinking it was a sequel. But it wasn't. Guess they do it to steal money from people who don't know any better."
First time I've ever had a customer admit to being stupid. I think she's my favorite.

I'm Such An A-hole

"Excuse me, sir." A Fatty McFatterson called out to me while I was walking back from a lunch break. "Can you help me? I'm trying to get some cat litter."
"Sure." I always say sure. Why don't I ever say no? It's something scientists should research sometime.
"It's the 32 pound." She said, pointing to the box. I grabbed it for her and set it in the basket. "The box is way too heavy."
Yeah, it's not the only thing that's too heavy.

True Story, He Really Did

"What are these condoms doing here?" A Black associate said, picking up a box of XL Trojan condoms off the electronics counter. "I don't need these."
"We know." I replied. "You already knocked someone up."

No One Ever Listens To The Black Guy

"I found the remote!" A Derper Derpington said to me.
"Congratulations." I said, somewhat sarcastically but not so much that I'd look at fault if he complained.
"I've been waiting here for 10 minutes, your coworkers said you were on a break." Oh great, I have a fan already. A shame it isn't a hot chick but beggars can't be choosers. I wonder if I have to wear a tux or a dress if he asks me to prom. "Remember how you checked my TV earlier at customer service and I was missing the remote? I got it now. So I figured I'd come back and get you so I would have to wait in that long line again."
"I can't get you cut in line. They'll just tell me that you have to wait your turn like everyone else. That's how it works here." I explained to him.
"Nonsense. I'll show you." He took me up to the front (like a gentleman) where customer service was located. We skipped ahead of everyone in line and went straight for the counter.
"We were here earlier with the TV. I got the remote this time so I figured since we already got everything checked, I could skip ahead in line. I even brought the worker along to prove I'm not lying." The man explained to the associate at the counter.
"You still have to wait in line, sir." The associate replied. "It wouldn't be fair for the other customers."
Well, he sure showed me.

Derp-Mart Logic

As you may or may not remember, all the extra products (and TVs) are locked behind a huge electronics cage near shipping. Now, you'd think that it would be common sense to give keys to all the electronics associates, since we're the ones who need to be in and out. But that's the kind of thinking non-executives do.  In fact, I'm thouroughly convinced they do everything backwards based on this one happening. I was waiting for a manager to come back and open the cage after I called them. They were taking their sweet time and eventually ran into the 15 minute mark. It was time for me to take some medication. Ever since the holidays started, I've needed even more than what I should take so I've been keeping tabs in my ipod touch of what I take, just to make sure I'm not overdoing it or taking something too soon. Just as I was finishing up, the manager finally showed.
"Put away that phone!" she snapped at me.
"It's not a phone, it's just a touch. I was keeping track of which medications I've taken today."
"Doesn't matter. You're not supposed to have it out while at work."
"I was just sitting here waiting for you to open the cage. It's not like I was doing this instead of working."
"It's still against policy."
"So, it's ok for me to sit here waiting while doing nothing. But, if I write, that's not ok?"
"Right."
What's wrong with this picture? I'm not sure if she has extremely dry sarcasm or if she's being serious.

Stupid Question 2

"Wait, if I buy a phone I also need to buy minutes to use it?"

Stupid Question

A customer on the phone asked me "Can you order something online for me?"

I imagine I was on the phone with an adult version of her

Negro Negligence

So, I was ringing up this Hommie (AKA Black Brother for you Honkies out there) a new copy of Black Ops 2 (Gotta show respect for the Black). Everything was going good till he took off without the receipt and his change.
"You forgot your receipt and change." I yelled at him as he was walking away.
"Keep it!" he told me. Adding another 15 cents to my paycheck, which is about an hours worth of work after taxes.
"But you need the receipt to get out of the store!" I replied. But he was long gone. So this is how so many Black people end up in jail.

TV Troubles

"This TV you have here. The screen looks different than the one I bought from you guys on Friday." A customer complained (It's the only thing they can do competently).
"It looks different? Perhaps your TV is defective or maybe you're not using HDMI cords for a clearer picture."
"Oh, is that it?"
"Could be. If you think it's defective you can bring it in with your receipt and we can replace it with another. We have quite a few of these in stock in the back at the moment."
"Oh, I didn't but this one. It's a different model."
"...This isn't the one you bought?"
"No, I bought a cheaper one on sale."

I Was Gonna Serve Some People, But Then I Got High

"I can't find the movie I'm looking for." A customer complained. "There's a spot for it on the shelf but it's all out.
"We must out then." I need to say stuff like this, otherwise they'll never figure it out.
"Is there a hidden stash in the back?"
Why would there be? We're in business to make money selling products, not messing with customers. The only hidden stash in the back is of weed...I've said too much.

I Am Pro Death Penalty For Rude People (Who Aren't Me)

"Are your TV shows on sale?" A Fatty McFatterson asked me while I was aiding a customer.
"All our video sales are located by groceries for your convenience." I told her.
"Can you check if this is on sale." She said, shoving it in front of my face.
There is no middle finger big enough...

V For Vizio

"I bought a Vizio TV the other day and there's something wrong with it." An ethnic man complained.
"If there's a problem, you can always bring it back to customer service with a receipt for a refund or exchange." I explained.
"Yeah, what's wrong is that the Vizio name at the bottom doesn't light up."
"....Is there something wrong with the picture?"
"No, picture looks fine."
"Just the Vizio name doesn't light up."
"Right."

No Court On Earth Would Acquit Me

"I need your help." An elderly gent begged. "I have to travel for Thanksgiving but the GPS I bought from you guys doesn't work."
He showed me the product he purchased.
"So, you charged it up and nothing shows up on the screen?"
"Oh, you need to charge it? Thanks for the help."
Dear Lord forgive me. I put that guy out on the road.

Printer Problems

"I need help with my printer." An old fart lady whined like a little *****
"How can I help you, ma'am?" I answered.
"It needs ink but I don't know which one."
"did you bring the ink cartridge with you?"
"It didn't come with one."
"It didn't? That's certainly odd. So you've haven't been able to print then."
"No, I've been printing for a month without an ink cartridge."
"...Ma'am, your printer comes pre-installed with ink. You don't need to actually put a cartridge in."
"Oh, I didn't know that. I thought I was printing without ink."
printing without...Is there a severe pandemic of lobotomies in this town or something?! WTF?!

I'm Angry But Only Because I'm Jealous

"Do you have any Kindle Fires?" an elderly grandmother asked me.
"We're all out of those. We haven't had them in for quite some time. I think Amazon and Derp-Mart got into a fight and now we're ignoring each other."
"Oh, that's too bad. I really wanted to buy one for my granddaughter. I think she could really use a tablet. I don't want her to fall behind the other kids."
"It could also be great for reading books."
"Oh, she can't read. She's only two."
You're afraid of her falling behind other kids? Fall behind what? They're TWO!!!

I Can See The Future

Between the massive amount of work I do at work, plus the time I spend on this blog, Derp-Mart is on my mind, A LOT. I don't normally dream because it's dangerous for my people (the last Black guy that had a dream got shot, remember?) but I've been having weird dreams ever since I started working. And every dream is me inside some strange Derp Mart working. Either driving products to people on snow-mobiles. Or working at a Derp-Mart owned port, driving cars off the ships. I know, crazy. But the most odd one just happened to me last night. The entire dream was me restocking items while listening to Christmas music (they play it constantly at work. Can't get it out of my head). I thought it was a weird dream, until I got into work today and that's all I did. I dreamed the future, people! Here's hoping that I'm sitting on a stack of millions tonight with Angelina Jolie (I had a thing for her back in high school...almost a decade ago. I should really get some new fantasies).

I Have Strange Imaginations

"Do you have items that went on sale last night for Black Friday?" A Derpy McDerper asked.
Of course we do. No one ever buys stuff on Black Friday. I just sat behind the register, imagining a hot chick coming up to me and we get hot n steamy behind the counter while I get paid, essentially making me a prostitute.

Computer Crap

"Excuse me," A small Latino man grabbed my attention "Someone told me you can help me with my laptop."
"I can try." I replied. "Where's your laptop."
"It's at home." -_- "But I brought the receipt." He showed me the receipt and pointing to the purchase that just said "Laptop 15.6" $248".
"What's the problem with your laptop?"
"It keeps crashing."
"And is there an error message?"
"Yes."
"What does it say?"
"I don't know."
So, he wants me to help him fix his laptop, that he didn't bring. He knows it keeps crashing and an error message pops up but he doesn't remember what it said.

WiiU? WiiNo!

"Do you guys have any WiiUs in stock?" A mother of two asked me.
"Nope, we're all out."
"Oh no."
"Unfortunately, new systems are really hard to get the first year they come out."
"But my kids really wanted a WiiU for Christmas!"

Yes, Massa. I Be Good Slave

"Do you guys have the new Madden in stock for the PS3?" A customer asked. "My husband really wants the game."
He really wants a game he easily could've picked up 3 months ago? Makes perfect sense. I walk her over to our video game section and we check the stock. We have nothing, which is a bit ironic because we had plenty since the game was released back in August, when you'd expect to be supply constrained.
"It seems like all our copies were snagged. Sorry."
"I see some games fell behind the case. Can you check to see if a Madden possibly fell down there?"
Considering how often crazy stuff like this happens, I should really send Derp-Mart my laundry bill. It's the least they could do.

Too Lazy To Drive

"Excuse me, do you have this MP3 player in stock?" A electric-cart-riding customer asked me.
"The one that went on sale last night? We're probably all out but if we're not. We put all the sale items in the grocery aisle for easy convenience."
"Well, can you go look? I'm tired and don't want to be walking all over the store looking for it." Mrs Fatty McFatterson complained. First of all: you're not walking, you're driving around in our carts. Hardly a strenuous effort on your part. In fact, if anyone should be complaining, it's the poor cart that's tugging around your fat@$$ all day. Second: no.

At Least She Didn't Divide By 0 Part Deux

"Do you have any more of these in stock?" She asked.
I asked the associates that have been here since 5 A.M. (God bless their devoted yet poverty-stricken souls). "Nope, we're all out."
"How could you have run out?"
"The sale happened last night, you're about 12 hours late to the party."
"Can you call the other stores to see if they have them in stock?"
"We don't have the numbers for other stores." I replied. We never have the numbers because we don' want to be stuck calling every store in the area when we should be working.
"I'll look the numbers up here on my phone real quick and then you can call them."
So, we're using two people to do a job that can be done just as easily, nay easier, by one. Got it. The worst part is, I'm not supposed to say no. We're supposed to try and accommodate customers every whim, even if it's a fruitless endeavor, because it'll show them that we care (which we don't) and then they'll want to come back. So, on the busiest day of the shopping season, I spent 30 minutes calling all the other stores in the area, hoping to find something I know didn't exist because a customer insisted I do it because she didn't want to deal with buying another wireless USB router thingy.

At Least She Didn't Divide By 0

"That's not the right price." A customer complained as I was ringing up her wireless internet adapter. "The ad says it's supposed to be less than $20." She showed me the ad in the Derp-Mart Magazine. "See?"

I looked at it, then back at the product and immediatly noticed the problem. "The advertisement is for an N1500, whereas you picked up an N150. You're short one 0, miss." 

Thanksgiving, Derp-Mart Style

Half of my day went something like this.


"I was looking at your Black Friday ad for tomorrow and I just have a small question."
"Sure."
"Are these prices also available now?"
ಠ_ಠ


And the other half went like this.
"I see the items here on your ad but what time do the sales start?" I point to the time in the top corner of the ad. "Oh, it was hidden."
Yeah, hidden in the same place on every page in every ad. We're clever like that.

Our Customers Have No Integrity

A worried woman came rushing up to me. "My husband lost his wallet. Have you seen it?"
"I'm sorry. We haven't seen it." I said.
"Do you think if someone found it they'd turn it in?" She asked with the innocence of a 5 year old.
"No." I replied, laughing my @$$ off on the inside. Is she kidding. Derpmart doesn't even trust customers with $8 flash drives. As if we'd trust them with wallets that contain sensitive information and oodles of cash.

No-Thanks Giving

I had to work this Thanksgiving. That sucks but I figured it'd be a cruise day, filled with projects but, most importantly, no customers. Surely people would be at home with their family singing praises to Jesus for everything they had. Nope. Things were just as busy on the customer side today as all other days. They must've had their fingers crossed when giving thanks. "Thank you Jesus, for all that you've given us, Amen. Ok kids, hurry and eat. We've got some serious shopping to do in two hours!" The irony of doing major shopping just a scant few minutes after being thankful for what you have is lost on these people.

Elf On My @$$

"How can you not have it?!" I hear a customer scream (I'm not going to state the gender but I think we all can tell at this point).
Oh jeez, what is it this time? I notice one of our more sensitive associates talking to the source of the noise. Being the awesome hero I am, I go over to save her. Not because I like her but because I'm sure what's about to happen will make a great blog entry.
"Maybe he knows." The associate says, pointing to me.
"I'm looking for a classic holiday movie." The customer tells me. "It's called Elf On The Shelf."
WTF is that? We only stock good movies here.
"I've never heard of that movie before." I said.
"Me neither." echoed my associate.
"It's a really popular movie children's movie."
"I've heard of Indian in the Cupboard. But I wouldn't call an Indian an elf or a cupboard a shelf." I casually joked. "But we don't have that movie in stock."
"Can't you look it up on your computer?" She asked.
"We don't have a computer with a list of our inventory."
"If you don't have a computer, then what's that?" She said pointing to our register.
"That's our cash register."
"I remember using a computer last time I was here to see what you ha in stock."
"We have a computer connected to derpmart.com. That's a list of all products in derpmarts, not just ours."
I took her over to our sole computer with internet access (that can only connect to derp-mart related material. Just our luck that the network was down that day.
"Can I talk to your manager?" I pointed out our manager who just happened to be walking by at that moment because life is funny like that. "Do you have Elf on The Shelf?" she asked him.
"I've never heard of that." He replied.
Check and mate.

For those of you who are curious. Elf on the Shelf was a book published in 2005. Hardly a classic she claimed it to be. Also, there is no movie. There was a television special shown on TV in 2011 but no releases. So, what we have here is a customer who was outraged, OUTRAGED, that we didn't have a movie that doesn't exist.

Spill Thrill

I'm not sure if it's a case of stupidity or hoping for some payout but I would think customers would actively avoid spills on the ground. Here we associate are, cleaning up a spill in the walkway that someone accidentally made and some customers insist on going past us. First of all, you're just making it harder to clean up, second there's other ways to get around us, third I'm sure no jury would ever take your side. What are you going to tell them anyway? That you're a dumb@$$ and should be compensated for it?

New Rule: Pick That $#@! UP!

Customers, can we talk? I get it. You are so incompetent that even the most basic rudimentary tasks are difficult for you. But, if you drop something, can you at least pick it up? Is that too much to ask for? If someone falls and gets hurt, Derp-Mart is getting sued. Not that I care but if someone falls in our area, us workers get blamed. It's almost like the company thinks we have psychic powers and we only use it to hurt customers (as opposed to making huge bucks doing parlor tricks). Though, in the company's defense, if I had psychic powers, I'd definitely use it to dick around with people. But I'd also use it to make myself rich. So, what I'm trying to say is that you can tell I don't have psychic powers because I definitely wouldn't be working at Derp-Mart when I could surround myself with gold-digging floozies (oh, and pick your $#@! up!).

Derp-Mart Pride

"I'm looking at your website and it says that you have 32GB iphone 5 in stock." A customer on the phone notified me.
"We're all out." I replied.
"Really? So the site is lying to me."
"It's saying there's some in the warehouse."
"Can you check another Derp-Mart to see if they have it?" He asked.
"We don't have inventory info for other stores."
"Are you kidding me?!"
"Nope."
"Ok, can I get the numbers for the other Derp-marts?"
I looked around for the binder that contained all the numbers of our suppliers and other stores. Couldn't find it.
"I can't find the numbers."
"Wow. You guys are incompetent." he complimented and hung up.
He complains and yet I bet you anything, he's going to continue shopping with us. which says a lot more about him than it does about us. And I'm proud of my incompetence. If it saves me work, I'll get incompetent emblazoned on my work shirt.

Do I Even Want To Know What It Is?

So, I picked up a carton of orange juice for $1. I knew at that price I wasn't getting OJ but I saw that the carton at least said there was "natural" flavors. But then I read the rest. Contains no juice. If there's no juice, then what natural flavors are we talking about? The water? Does buying this make me a Derp-Mart customer? I'm feeling pretty dumbstruck right now, so I guess it does.

I Really Don't

"Do you have the CD by the artist ______?" A mother with a child in her cart asked.
I checked our music section, which is incredibly easy to do because everything is alphabetical, with labels. we didn't have it.
"No, you just have to have it. My daughter's dance recital is tonight and we need it for the performance."
I'm not sure about the other workers but I don't give a $#@!

Cashiers and Commission.

A cashier coworker of mine was complain about a new hire one day in the breakroom.
"My sales-per-hour dropped by 300 because of her." If cashiers fail to maintain a 600 or higher sales per hour, they could be let go due to performance issues. Pretty serious stuff.
"What do you get for a high sales per hour?" I ask.
"We get our names up on the cashier corner." She said, pointing to a bulletin board I had overlooked/ignored for the two and a half months I had been working. "I'm actually up there.
"Congrats on being recognized. Or, at least you would be recognized if anyone actually read those things."
"What about you?" She asked. "You get commissions on TV and phones?"
"AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH......no. Those roll back prices need to be paid somehow and it sure isn't coming out of the company's profits."
You're welcome derpmart customers, I subsidize your shopping. Now I know how rich people feel about the poor. A shame I can't cry on top of a huge pile of money while complaining.

I Hope He Doesn't Send My Black Butt to Jail

"So, what made you want to work at Derpmart?" I asked one of my coworkers.
"I'm actually retired. But I got bored so I felt like working in a place that let me deal with electronics."
"Coo. You look pretty young for a retiree. What did you do before?"
"I worked for the DEA." He replied. O.O
"You know, all those times I was talking about smoking weed, I was just joking."