Maybe He Thinks MIB 3 Is Non-Fiction

"Do you guys have Men In Black 3?" A male customer asked me
"No, I don't believe it's been released yet."
"It gets released tomorrow." He told me.
So why the $#@! would we have it today? Just because time travel works in the movie, doesn't mean it will in real life.

Whiny Witch

"My daughter's looking for the Edward Scissorhands movie." A pissy obese mother with her teen daughter snorted.
"I don't believe we keep that in stock."
"Can you go check?"
I run over to our drama section, quite literally two seconds away from where the woman was standing. We didn't have it.
"Nope, we don't have it."
"What? Where did you look?"
"In our drama section. It's where we'd keep it if we had it in stock?"
"Can you see when you'll be getting it in stock."
"There's no system set up for us to check to see if we'll get it in stock. I highly doubt we will, since that movie's over two decades old."
"Ask someone else if they know." She demanded, just as another associate was walking by.
"Hey, are we getting the movie Edward Scissorhands in stock?" I asked.
"No." My coworker replied, without even stopping to exchange pleasantries.
No other words were exchanged. The mother just waddled away empty handed. Here's hoping she never gets that movie.

I'm Getting Too Old For This $#@!

"I have a question. Do you guys have any DS XL games?"
"Nintendo DS games?" I asked.
"DS XL, for the bigger system."
"Any DS game will work."
"Naw uh. I tried playing my 3DS game on it and it didn't work."
"3DS games will only work on a 3DS handheld."
"No, DS games also work on it." she snapped back at me, eager to prove me wrong on something it seems.
"Yes, DS games work on a 3DS, as well as a regular DS and DS XL."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"If my DS games don't work, I'm coming back to complain."
Lets be serious here, you're going to come back and complain no matter what. It's only in your nature. Your life is so devoid of meaning, the only fulfillment you get is complaining to us retail workers, trying to prove your intellectual superiority to people who earn so little, it's practically slavery. But, joke's on you. I'm Black. I'm already used to, not only slavery, but also White people complaining about me.

No Hablo Español

"Do you speak Spanish?"
"No."
They proceed to speak Spanish in the vain hope that I understand them.

Displeased Diety

I was helping a mother of 3 grab a video game for her daughter. You know, normal stuff I deal with.
"You can have any game you want as long as it doesn't have magic." she said.
"Magic?" I uttered.
"Yeah, magic. You know where magic comes from, don't you? The devil."
She ended up settling on a game about talking ponies. So, let me get this straight. Talking ponies is totally fine but Harry Potter saving people with magic makes Jesus mad? Got it.

Intel Incompetent

"My son-in-law says I need a laptop with an Intel processor. Does this laptop have it?" An elderly asked (to me, I'm assuming. There was no 'excuse me' or 'hey peasant' like the others). I glanced at it and realized it had what she was looking for.
"Yeah, it has the chip you're looking for, but.." I started.
"See, that's what I told him but he didn't believe me. He says to only buy a laptop with an Intel Processor in it. Here, you talk to him." She said, handing me the phone.
"Um...hi?" I answered.
"Does the laptop have an Intel Processor?" he asked me.
"Yes, but..."
"Ok." he interrupted and hung up.
"Well, what did he say?" She asked me.
"He said ok."
"Ok then. I'd like to buy this laptop."
"We're all sold out."

Stupid Question 3

"Can I play WiiU games on my wii?"
If you could, why would they even bother with a new system, you dumb $#@!

I Have Quite The Potty Mouth

My boss asked me to do a carry out for a wheel-chair bound woman and her son. They had just bought a display TV and needed help getting it out to their car. When we get outside, she tells her son to go grab the car and bring it around front so we don't have to walk around much. The son must've gotten lost at some point because we stood around waiting for a while. It was a dark night with a chill wind blowing.
"Brr, sure is cold." The woman says, reaches behind her back to pull out a sweater she was sitting in front of. "Good thing I brought my sweater." -_- "Oh, here's my son." she said, pointing down the parking lot to one of three cars. A normal convertible, a van and a sports car. I kept praying that it wouldn't be the sports car. Please, for the love of the pope, don't let it be the tiny sports car. It stops in front of us and the son gets out.
"Sorry, I forgot where we parked." He said. "Lets see if we can fit this TV in our car."
#$@#@ ME UP THE #$@#$ YOUR MOTHER #@$@#% HAMSTER #%@#$@ IN A CAGE FULL OF MONKEY #@$@#$@ MOTHER TERESA'S #$@$@@#$@$@#$@ WITH A SHOVEL!

Not This $#@! Again

"Can you tell me the difference between the 8GB and 16GB SD cards?" A middle-aged couple asked me.

"16 holds twice as much as 8." I swear, at this point they're just playing around. 

"How many photos is that?" The man asks.

"It depends on your camera and the picture quality."

"I have a 1.00 GB at home and it holds 700. So how much would these hold?" The wife asked me, making this the first instance in history white people are asking a Black guy to do math for them. 

"You're looking at 5600 photos for 8GB and 11,200 for the 16GB."

"Wow, that's a lot of photos." She replied. 

"Ok, I have a Nikon camera at home. I even wrote down the type on a piece of paper." The husband said pulling out a piece of paper from his pocket. "How many photos will this camera hold for the 8 and 16?"

Oh please God, kill me now. 

Two Pussies

"I have a question." A young mother said. "Are there two Puss N Boots movies?"
"No."
"Oh ok. I bought the movie once and then I saw the movie with a different cover so I bought that too, thinking it was a sequel. But it wasn't. Guess they do it to steal money from people who don't know any better."
First time I've ever had a customer admit to being stupid. I think she's my favorite.

I'm Such An A-hole

"Excuse me, sir." A Fatty McFatterson called out to me while I was walking back from a lunch break. "Can you help me? I'm trying to get some cat litter."
"Sure." I always say sure. Why don't I ever say no? It's something scientists should research sometime.
"It's the 32 pound." She said, pointing to the box. I grabbed it for her and set it in the basket. "The box is way too heavy."
Yeah, it's not the only thing that's too heavy.

True Story, He Really Did

"What are these condoms doing here?" A Black associate said, picking up a box of XL Trojan condoms off the electronics counter. "I don't need these."
"We know." I replied. "You already knocked someone up."

No One Ever Listens To The Black Guy

"I found the remote!" A Derper Derpington said to me.
"Congratulations." I said, somewhat sarcastically but not so much that I'd look at fault if he complained.
"I've been waiting here for 10 minutes, your coworkers said you were on a break." Oh great, I have a fan already. A shame it isn't a hot chick but beggars can't be choosers. I wonder if I have to wear a tux or a dress if he asks me to prom. "Remember how you checked my TV earlier at customer service and I was missing the remote? I got it now. So I figured I'd come back and get you so I would have to wait in that long line again."
"I can't get you cut in line. They'll just tell me that you have to wait your turn like everyone else. That's how it works here." I explained to him.
"Nonsense. I'll show you." He took me up to the front (like a gentleman) where customer service was located. We skipped ahead of everyone in line and went straight for the counter.
"We were here earlier with the TV. I got the remote this time so I figured since we already got everything checked, I could skip ahead in line. I even brought the worker along to prove I'm not lying." The man explained to the associate at the counter.
"You still have to wait in line, sir." The associate replied. "It wouldn't be fair for the other customers."
Well, he sure showed me.

Derp-Mart Logic

As you may or may not remember, all the extra products (and TVs) are locked behind a huge electronics cage near shipping. Now, you'd think that it would be common sense to give keys to all the electronics associates, since we're the ones who need to be in and out. But that's the kind of thinking non-executives do.  In fact, I'm thouroughly convinced they do everything backwards based on this one happening. I was waiting for a manager to come back and open the cage after I called them. They were taking their sweet time and eventually ran into the 15 minute mark. It was time for me to take some medication. Ever since the holidays started, I've needed even more than what I should take so I've been keeping tabs in my ipod touch of what I take, just to make sure I'm not overdoing it or taking something too soon. Just as I was finishing up, the manager finally showed.
"Put away that phone!" she snapped at me.
"It's not a phone, it's just a touch. I was keeping track of which medications I've taken today."
"Doesn't matter. You're not supposed to have it out while at work."
"I was just sitting here waiting for you to open the cage. It's not like I was doing this instead of working."
"It's still against policy."
"So, it's ok for me to sit here waiting while doing nothing. But, if I write, that's not ok?"
"Right."
What's wrong with this picture? I'm not sure if she has extremely dry sarcasm or if she's being serious.

Stupid Question 2

"Wait, if I buy a phone I also need to buy minutes to use it?"

Stupid Question

A customer on the phone asked me "Can you order something online for me?"

I imagine I was on the phone with an adult version of her

Negro Negligence

So, I was ringing up this Hommie (AKA Black Brother for you Honkies out there) a new copy of Black Ops 2 (Gotta show respect for the Black). Everything was going good till he took off without the receipt and his change.
"You forgot your receipt and change." I yelled at him as he was walking away.
"Keep it!" he told me. Adding another 15 cents to my paycheck, which is about an hours worth of work after taxes.
"But you need the receipt to get out of the store!" I replied. But he was long gone. So this is how so many Black people end up in jail.

TV Troubles

"This TV you have here. The screen looks different than the one I bought from you guys on Friday." A customer complained (It's the only thing they can do competently).
"It looks different? Perhaps your TV is defective or maybe you're not using HDMI cords for a clearer picture."
"Oh, is that it?"
"Could be. If you think it's defective you can bring it in with your receipt and we can replace it with another. We have quite a few of these in stock in the back at the moment."
"Oh, I didn't but this one. It's a different model."
"...This isn't the one you bought?"
"No, I bought a cheaper one on sale."

I Was Gonna Serve Some People, But Then I Got High

"I can't find the movie I'm looking for." A customer complained. "There's a spot for it on the shelf but it's all out.
"We must out then." I need to say stuff like this, otherwise they'll never figure it out.
"Is there a hidden stash in the back?"
Why would there be? We're in business to make money selling products, not messing with customers. The only hidden stash in the back is of weed...I've said too much.

I Am Pro Death Penalty For Rude People (Who Aren't Me)

"Are your TV shows on sale?" A Fatty McFatterson asked me while I was aiding a customer.
"All our video sales are located by groceries for your convenience." I told her.
"Can you check if this is on sale." She said, shoving it in front of my face.
There is no middle finger big enough...

V For Vizio

"I bought a Vizio TV the other day and there's something wrong with it." An ethnic man complained.
"If there's a problem, you can always bring it back to customer service with a receipt for a refund or exchange." I explained.
"Yeah, what's wrong is that the Vizio name at the bottom doesn't light up."
"....Is there something wrong with the picture?"
"No, picture looks fine."
"Just the Vizio name doesn't light up."
"Right."

No Court On Earth Would Acquit Me

"I need your help." An elderly gent begged. "I have to travel for Thanksgiving but the GPS I bought from you guys doesn't work."
He showed me the product he purchased.
"So, you charged it up and nothing shows up on the screen?"
"Oh, you need to charge it? Thanks for the help."
Dear Lord forgive me. I put that guy out on the road.

Printer Problems

"I need help with my printer." An old fart lady whined like a little *****
"How can I help you, ma'am?" I answered.
"It needs ink but I don't know which one."
"did you bring the ink cartridge with you?"
"It didn't come with one."
"It didn't? That's certainly odd. So you've haven't been able to print then."
"No, I've been printing for a month without an ink cartridge."
"...Ma'am, your printer comes pre-installed with ink. You don't need to actually put a cartridge in."
"Oh, I didn't know that. I thought I was printing without ink."
printing without...Is there a severe pandemic of lobotomies in this town or something?! WTF?!

I'm Angry But Only Because I'm Jealous

"Do you have any Kindle Fires?" an elderly grandmother asked me.
"We're all out of those. We haven't had them in for quite some time. I think Amazon and Derp-Mart got into a fight and now we're ignoring each other."
"Oh, that's too bad. I really wanted to buy one for my granddaughter. I think she could really use a tablet. I don't want her to fall behind the other kids."
"It could also be great for reading books."
"Oh, she can't read. She's only two."
You're afraid of her falling behind other kids? Fall behind what? They're TWO!!!

I Can See The Future

Between the massive amount of work I do at work, plus the time I spend on this blog, Derp-Mart is on my mind, A LOT. I don't normally dream because it's dangerous for my people (the last Black guy that had a dream got shot, remember?) but I've been having weird dreams ever since I started working. And every dream is me inside some strange Derp Mart working. Either driving products to people on snow-mobiles. Or working at a Derp-Mart owned port, driving cars off the ships. I know, crazy. But the most odd one just happened to me last night. The entire dream was me restocking items while listening to Christmas music (they play it constantly at work. Can't get it out of my head). I thought it was a weird dream, until I got into work today and that's all I did. I dreamed the future, people! Here's hoping that I'm sitting on a stack of millions tonight with Angelina Jolie (I had a thing for her back in high school...almost a decade ago. I should really get some new fantasies).

I Have Strange Imaginations

"Do you have items that went on sale last night for Black Friday?" A Derpy McDerper asked.
Of course we do. No one ever buys stuff on Black Friday. I just sat behind the register, imagining a hot chick coming up to me and we get hot n steamy behind the counter while I get paid, essentially making me a prostitute.

Computer Crap

"Excuse me," A small Latino man grabbed my attention "Someone told me you can help me with my laptop."
"I can try." I replied. "Where's your laptop."
"It's at home." -_- "But I brought the receipt." He showed me the receipt and pointing to the purchase that just said "Laptop 15.6" $248".
"What's the problem with your laptop?"
"It keeps crashing."
"And is there an error message?"
"Yes."
"What does it say?"
"I don't know."
So, he wants me to help him fix his laptop, that he didn't bring. He knows it keeps crashing and an error message pops up but he doesn't remember what it said.

WiiU? WiiNo!

"Do you guys have any WiiUs in stock?" A mother of two asked me.
"Nope, we're all out."
"Oh no."
"Unfortunately, new systems are really hard to get the first year they come out."
"But my kids really wanted a WiiU for Christmas!"

Yes, Massa. I Be Good Slave

"Do you guys have the new Madden in stock for the PS3?" A customer asked. "My husband really wants the game."
He really wants a game he easily could've picked up 3 months ago? Makes perfect sense. I walk her over to our video game section and we check the stock. We have nothing, which is a bit ironic because we had plenty since the game was released back in August, when you'd expect to be supply constrained.
"It seems like all our copies were snagged. Sorry."
"I see some games fell behind the case. Can you check to see if a Madden possibly fell down there?"
Considering how often crazy stuff like this happens, I should really send Derp-Mart my laundry bill. It's the least they could do.

Too Lazy To Drive

"Excuse me, do you have this MP3 player in stock?" A electric-cart-riding customer asked me.
"The one that went on sale last night? We're probably all out but if we're not. We put all the sale items in the grocery aisle for easy convenience."
"Well, can you go look? I'm tired and don't want to be walking all over the store looking for it." Mrs Fatty McFatterson complained. First of all: you're not walking, you're driving around in our carts. Hardly a strenuous effort on your part. In fact, if anyone should be complaining, it's the poor cart that's tugging around your fat@$$ all day. Second: no.

At Least She Didn't Divide By 0 Part Deux

"Do you have any more of these in stock?" She asked.
I asked the associates that have been here since 5 A.M. (God bless their devoted yet poverty-stricken souls). "Nope, we're all out."
"How could you have run out?"
"The sale happened last night, you're about 12 hours late to the party."
"Can you call the other stores to see if they have them in stock?"
"We don't have the numbers for other stores." I replied. We never have the numbers because we don' want to be stuck calling every store in the area when we should be working.
"I'll look the numbers up here on my phone real quick and then you can call them."
So, we're using two people to do a job that can be done just as easily, nay easier, by one. Got it. The worst part is, I'm not supposed to say no. We're supposed to try and accommodate customers every whim, even if it's a fruitless endeavor, because it'll show them that we care (which we don't) and then they'll want to come back. So, on the busiest day of the shopping season, I spent 30 minutes calling all the other stores in the area, hoping to find something I know didn't exist because a customer insisted I do it because she didn't want to deal with buying another wireless USB router thingy.

At Least She Didn't Divide By 0

"That's not the right price." A customer complained as I was ringing up her wireless internet adapter. "The ad says it's supposed to be less than $20." She showed me the ad in the Derp-Mart Magazine. "See?"

I looked at it, then back at the product and immediatly noticed the problem. "The advertisement is for an N1500, whereas you picked up an N150. You're short one 0, miss." 

Thanksgiving, Derp-Mart Style

Half of my day went something like this.


"I was looking at your Black Friday ad for tomorrow and I just have a small question."
"Sure."
"Are these prices also available now?"
ಠ_ಠ


And the other half went like this.
"I see the items here on your ad but what time do the sales start?" I point to the time in the top corner of the ad. "Oh, it was hidden."
Yeah, hidden in the same place on every page in every ad. We're clever like that.

Our Customers Have No Integrity

A worried woman came rushing up to me. "My husband lost his wallet. Have you seen it?"
"I'm sorry. We haven't seen it." I said.
"Do you think if someone found it they'd turn it in?" She asked with the innocence of a 5 year old.
"No." I replied, laughing my @$$ off on the inside. Is she kidding. Derpmart doesn't even trust customers with $8 flash drives. As if we'd trust them with wallets that contain sensitive information and oodles of cash.

No-Thanks Giving

I had to work this Thanksgiving. That sucks but I figured it'd be a cruise day, filled with projects but, most importantly, no customers. Surely people would be at home with their family singing praises to Jesus for everything they had. Nope. Things were just as busy on the customer side today as all other days. They must've had their fingers crossed when giving thanks. "Thank you Jesus, for all that you've given us, Amen. Ok kids, hurry and eat. We've got some serious shopping to do in two hours!" The irony of doing major shopping just a scant few minutes after being thankful for what you have is lost on these people.

Elf On My @$$

"How can you not have it?!" I hear a customer scream (I'm not going to state the gender but I think we all can tell at this point).
Oh jeez, what is it this time? I notice one of our more sensitive associates talking to the source of the noise. Being the awesome hero I am, I go over to save her. Not because I like her but because I'm sure what's about to happen will make a great blog entry.
"Maybe he knows." The associate says, pointing to me.
"I'm looking for a classic holiday movie." The customer tells me. "It's called Elf On The Shelf."
WTF is that? We only stock good movies here.
"I've never heard of that movie before." I said.
"Me neither." echoed my associate.
"It's a really popular movie children's movie."
"I've heard of Indian in the Cupboard. But I wouldn't call an Indian an elf or a cupboard a shelf." I casually joked. "But we don't have that movie in stock."
"Can't you look it up on your computer?" She asked.
"We don't have a computer with a list of our inventory."
"If you don't have a computer, then what's that?" She said pointing to our register.
"That's our cash register."
"I remember using a computer last time I was here to see what you ha in stock."
"We have a computer connected to derpmart.com. That's a list of all products in derpmarts, not just ours."
I took her over to our sole computer with internet access (that can only connect to derp-mart related material. Just our luck that the network was down that day.
"Can I talk to your manager?" I pointed out our manager who just happened to be walking by at that moment because life is funny like that. "Do you have Elf on The Shelf?" she asked him.
"I've never heard of that." He replied.
Check and mate.

For those of you who are curious. Elf on the Shelf was a book published in 2005. Hardly a classic she claimed it to be. Also, there is no movie. There was a television special shown on TV in 2011 but no releases. So, what we have here is a customer who was outraged, OUTRAGED, that we didn't have a movie that doesn't exist.

Spill Thrill

I'm not sure if it's a case of stupidity or hoping for some payout but I would think customers would actively avoid spills on the ground. Here we associate are, cleaning up a spill in the walkway that someone accidentally made and some customers insist on going past us. First of all, you're just making it harder to clean up, second there's other ways to get around us, third I'm sure no jury would ever take your side. What are you going to tell them anyway? That you're a dumb@$$ and should be compensated for it?

New Rule: Pick That $#@! UP!

Customers, can we talk? I get it. You are so incompetent that even the most basic rudimentary tasks are difficult for you. But, if you drop something, can you at least pick it up? Is that too much to ask for? If someone falls and gets hurt, Derp-Mart is getting sued. Not that I care but if someone falls in our area, us workers get blamed. It's almost like the company thinks we have psychic powers and we only use it to hurt customers (as opposed to making huge bucks doing parlor tricks). Though, in the company's defense, if I had psychic powers, I'd definitely use it to dick around with people. But I'd also use it to make myself rich. So, what I'm trying to say is that you can tell I don't have psychic powers because I definitely wouldn't be working at Derp-Mart when I could surround myself with gold-digging floozies (oh, and pick your $#@! up!).

Derp-Mart Pride

"I'm looking at your website and it says that you have 32GB iphone 5 in stock." A customer on the phone notified me.
"We're all out." I replied.
"Really? So the site is lying to me."
"It's saying there's some in the warehouse."
"Can you check another Derp-Mart to see if they have it?" He asked.
"We don't have inventory info for other stores."
"Are you kidding me?!"
"Nope."
"Ok, can I get the numbers for the other Derp-marts?"
I looked around for the binder that contained all the numbers of our suppliers and other stores. Couldn't find it.
"I can't find the numbers."
"Wow. You guys are incompetent." he complimented and hung up.
He complains and yet I bet you anything, he's going to continue shopping with us. which says a lot more about him than it does about us. And I'm proud of my incompetence. If it saves me work, I'll get incompetent emblazoned on my work shirt.

Do I Even Want To Know What It Is?

So, I picked up a carton of orange juice for $1. I knew at that price I wasn't getting OJ but I saw that the carton at least said there was "natural" flavors. But then I read the rest. Contains no juice. If there's no juice, then what natural flavors are we talking about? The water? Does buying this make me a Derp-Mart customer? I'm feeling pretty dumbstruck right now, so I guess it does.

I Really Don't

"Do you have the CD by the artist ______?" A mother with a child in her cart asked.
I checked our music section, which is incredibly easy to do because everything is alphabetical, with labels. we didn't have it.
"No, you just have to have it. My daughter's dance recital is tonight and we need it for the performance."
I'm not sure about the other workers but I don't give a $#@!

Cashiers and Commission.

A cashier coworker of mine was complain about a new hire one day in the breakroom.
"My sales-per-hour dropped by 300 because of her." If cashiers fail to maintain a 600 or higher sales per hour, they could be let go due to performance issues. Pretty serious stuff.
"What do you get for a high sales per hour?" I ask.
"We get our names up on the cashier corner." She said, pointing to a bulletin board I had overlooked/ignored for the two and a half months I had been working. "I'm actually up there.
"Congrats on being recognized. Or, at least you would be recognized if anyone actually read those things."
"What about you?" She asked. "You get commissions on TV and phones?"
"AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH......no. Those roll back prices need to be paid somehow and it sure isn't coming out of the company's profits."
You're welcome derpmart customers, I subsidize your shopping. Now I know how rich people feel about the poor. A shame I can't cry on top of a huge pile of money while complaining.

I Hope He Doesn't Send My Black Butt to Jail

"So, what made you want to work at Derpmart?" I asked one of my coworkers.
"I'm actually retired. But I got bored so I felt like working in a place that let me deal with electronics."
"Coo. You look pretty young for a retiree. What did you do before?"
"I worked for the DEA." He replied. O.O
"You know, all those times I was talking about smoking weed, I was just joking."

Mwa Mwa Mwa Mwa Mwa Mwa

"I'd like to buy a Nintendo WiiU." a customer said.
"We're all sold out."
"No, you're not."
"We aren't?"
"Yeah, you have it in your advertisements."
"We've sold all our stock already, ma'am."
"That's irresponsible of you guys. Don't advertise if you don't have it!"
She might've said more after that but all I heard was blah's and that weird sound the adults make in those Charlie Brown cartoons

.

Does This Make Me the Customer?

"I'm looking for a CD called Thene. T.H.E.N.E. It's a new release." a woman said.
I've never heard of it but I guide her over to our new release section and help her look for it. We can't find it. Her husband waddles over and asks "Find it yet? Is it a new release?"
"He said it was." the wife replied.
"Me? I didn't say it was a new release, you did." I shot back.
"Why would I say it's a new release? I don't even know what this CD looks like."
Honestly, even I didn't know WTF was going on at this point. So I just walked away.

So Clear, It's Transparent.

"Can I get some help?!" an angry older woman asked. My first suggestion would've been to seek psychiatric care but perhaps it'd be better to just recommend euthanasia.
"How can I help you?" I asked.
"I'm looking for this product." she says, shoving a piece of paper in my face. The only thing written on the paper is $299 and 32GB.
"What product are you looking for?"
"I don't know. I thought you would."
"This isn't a product. It's a price and available storage space. Are you looking for a tablet? An Apple product? A notebook?"
"I don't know anything about technology."
"Well, that's apparent.

New Rule: No Complaining

Next person who says "If any place should have it, it's Derpmart." gets my foot in their @$$. I know this one's going to be the hardest for people to follow. If any place should have what you're looking for, it's a specialty store. Don't expect us to carry every comic book and movie in existence, people! And no, it's not a shame that we don't have what you're looking for. The only shame being felt here is by your parents for raising such stupid children.

I'm Shocked.

A customer came in to pick up their layaway order. Since they paid it off before the 14th of December, they get their $5 deposit fee back in the form of a gift card.
"Derp-Mart is pretty stupid to give me some money back. They should keep the deposit free. Extra money in their pocket." A customer stupidly remarked.
"They do keep it. This is just a $5 gift card, meaning that you have to use it at a Derp-Mart. And, since most people tend to purchase things more than $5 in value, you'll most likely end up spending far more than just a measly $5. Not only does the customer get your money from this purchase but they also ensure you'll come back to buy more just because they gave you a $5 credit card that's useless outside of a Derp-Mart."
"Wow, I didn't think about it like that. I guess that is smart."
A customer didn't think. Surprise, surprise.

I Am The LAAAAAW!

"If I put something on layaway, can I make payments at any Derp-Mart?" A male Latino asked me (I'm trying to diversify my complaining from generic banshee woman.).
"No, it has to be done at this Derp-Mart but it can be paid at any register."
"Why not?"
"Because you're buying our inventory, not another store's. So the money needs to be paid here."
"That's stupid. I should be able to pay for it at any Derp-Mart store."
And I should be able to shoot you, but "The Law" won't let me.

Finding Finding Nemo

"Is there a reason you don't have Finding Nemo in stock?" A man asked.
"Because we don't? We didn't get any copies sent to us."
"Can you call them and order more?"
Oh, of course. Because me and Pixar are uber tight, you know. They come to me whenever they need some Black connections. I'll be more than happy to pull a few strings for a movie that was released almost a decade ago. God forbid YOU do any work, like order it online for yourself.

Never Let A Good Deed Go Unpunished

I'm a nice guy, contrary to everything that's written in this blog, I'm paid not just to assist people and sell them stuff but to also be nice (I get paid $8.85, which is less than I made at my last job and at my internship before graduating college. The more experienced I am, the less I'm worth). Anyway, what was I saying? Oh right, Mr Nice Guy. So, when I saw this older woman move down the aisle, I stepped into a little cranny off to the side so she could walk by. She got the walking part right, but not the by part, as she stopped right in front of where I was standing, trapping me while she glanced at our movie section. After about a minute and a half of looking, she decided to let me go back to work (how kind of her) and reward my patience by not buying anything. Thank you old hag. You are a true Derp-Mart customer.

So Much For Having Christmas Cheer

An old fart (can I call women old farts? Old Fartee?) demanded I grab the Black Ops game for her grandson. I said I'd grab it and bring it back to the register to be paid for.
"I want to pay for it up front."
"All games from the cabinet need to be paid for back here."
"I always pay for it at the front!"
"I'm just following orders, ma'am."
"UGH! FINEEEEEE!"
I feel so sorry for customer service because she's going to be pissed for having to return this game in a few days. She just said she wanted Black Ops so I grabbed her the first one for being such a bitch.

New Rule: Patience

I know I always say "I never thought I'd have to make this rule" on these posts but here's another one I gotta write down. If you buy a TV and we're helping you take it out to your car. WAIT! We're carrying a TV, we're not as quick as your cracked-up @$$. If you leave us, there's no way for us to know where your car is parked. I know you think we can read minds, but we can't. If we could, we sure wouldn't be working at Derp-Mart!

Cheapskates Be Cheap

"I bought an Xbox with the new Black Ops 2 game and my son is having trouble getting online." a mother complained.
"Is the console connected to the internet?" I asked.
"Yes, we hooked our xbox up with wifi."
"Do you have xbox live gold?"
"What's that?"
"In order to play online, you need an xbox live gold account."
"Is it free?"
"No, it's $60 a year."
"I don't want to pay that. Can you help me get online for free."
Sure, just put down $200 on a new PS3 and you get online without paying.

Taxi Troubles

Since this happened while I was at a Derp-Mart, I do believe it deserves to be put here. I got stranded at one after work, with no bus lines between the store and my home, even with transfers. So nothing else to do but call a taxi. There's plenty of them around, I see them all the time. So, I give them a call and I get their dispatcher.

"Hi, I'd like to request a taxi." I said. "I'm at the Derp-Mart at the corner of Herp and Burp."

"Got it, a taxi will be there in about 20 minutes."

So, I sat outside and waited. 40 minutes passed, not a single taxi showed up. I called them back.

"Yeah, is the taxi still on its way? I haven't seen it yet."

"According to our records you cancelled."

"That's news to me."

"We'll send you another ride. It'll be another 20 minutes."

30 minutes pass and a taxi finally shows up. A guy steps out and closes the door behind him. Prick. I try and open the door but it's locked. The driver rolls down the window on the passenger's side and asks if I need some help.

"Yeah, I called for a taxi about an hour ago. Aren't you here to pick me up?" I asked.

"No, I'm doing a round trip with the guy that just got out."

"And you can't just drop me off at my place real quick? It'll take less than ten minutes to drive there."

"His meter is still running. Sorry." The driver apologized.

I waited another 10 minutes before calling back the dispatcher.

"I still haven't seen my ride yet." I complained.

"I see. The driver could be trying to contact you. Are you certain your phone has reception?"

"How the %$#@ do you think I'm calling you?" 

"Well, the taxi is still in transit. I'm sure it'll be there any minute now."

20 "any minute"s later, still nothing. Is this cab coming from China or something? 

"I'm still stranded here." I called them back up again. "Do they know where I'm at."

"Yeah, the Derp-Mart. Our drivers go there all the time."

That explains it all. The people picking me up, are the customers I've been making fun of all this time!

Illegal Idiot

"Hey, buddy." A male customer whispers to me "I know you have a shipment of WiiUs in the back. Just run back there and grab one for me."
"At best, I'd be fired and at worst, I'd be arrested for stealing. And I have nothing to gain from doing that for you."
"You can grab one for yourself too."
ಠ_ಠ

Why Don't Customers Trust The Black Guy?

"Do you have this laptop in stock?" A pair of teens asked me.
I checked the cabinets under the laptop. Nothing. I checked the two next to it. Nothing again. I checked the ones on the other side. Nada.
"We're all out, unfortunately." I told them.
One of the two grabbed an associate with the handheld.
"Can you scan this laptop to see if you have it. This guy did a lazy job looking." Of course, they accuse the Black guy of being lazy.
My associate scans the barcode. "Nope, we don't have any." He replies.
See, if you only listened to the Black guy, you wouldn't look like retards.

I've Got My "NO MORE DUMB@$$ES" Sign Ready

"I hear you guys are striking on Black Friday." A customer remarks as I'm ringing him up on the register
"We are?" I asked.
"Yeah, there's a nation-wide strike going on,  It's all over the news Workers say that these Black Friday keeps getting pushed up into Thanksgiving and they want to spend it with their family, just like how they used to."
"Spend time with family? I wouldn't strike for that. If I ever went on strike, I'd be striking for smarter customers."

I Guess 20 Paces Was Too Much For Them

"Are you the only one working here?!" A disgruntled couple asked me, just as I was arriving for work.
"Nope."
"We've been walking back and forth for 45 minutes and you are the first worker we've seen."
"There's 3 other workers just down at the other cash register helping customers. You can see them from here, they're the ones wearing blue shirts and tan pants."
If smug superiority were currency, I'd be Bill Gates.

Nintendo Conspiracy

"My kid wants one of those new WiiU things." A mother said to me.
"That doesn't get released till next week."
"What's the difference between that and the wii?"
"Apart from the new tablet controller, the hardware is more powerful."
"But you can play wii games on it, right?" She asked.
"Yeah."
"So why a new system? Why not just keep the old wii?"
"The hardware and specs are better. It's like a computer, eventually, you need to upgrade so games can do more and keep from being stale."
"That's just what Nintendo wants us to think. I can't see a difference between the two. They're just trying to con stupid people out of money. I'll tell you what, I'm just going to buy my kids a bunch of wii games. I'm not stupid enough to fall for this."
"Oh no you aren't, miss." I replied with a thin slice of sarcasm.
Every once in a while, I get those moments where all the pain and hardships of my job become worth it.

I Only Did It Because She Was Hot

"Can you go get me a cart to put my TV in?" A hot chick asked me.
"You didn't bring a cart back with you?"
"No, I didn't think I'd be buying a TV. But it was such a good deal, how could I say no."
Next time offers me a free joint, I'm going to take it. And if an officer catches me, I'm just going to say "I got it for a good deal: free. How could I say no?" I'm sure the law will understand.

The Spill

*How I imagine someone's thought process*

Oops, my drink is leaking. I know, I'll take a lap or two around this aisle, to really spread it around, you know? Then I'll leave my leaking drink on the shelf and not tell anyone. Gotta give these Derp-Mart workers something to do, they're always walking back and forth between places, must be because they have nothing to do. I'm so considerate, they should thank me.

The Lazy...It Hurts...

"I need a cable to hook up my phone to my DVR so I can have internet on it and watch Netflix and stuff." A customer said over the phone.
"I don't think we have what you're looking for. Let me double check." I said. I ran over to our TV accessories section, to see if we had something for him. We didn't. "We don't have it but you could always try Fry's. They'll definitely have what you're looking for."
"Forget it. I'm not going to drive down there. I'll just return it." He hung up.
Let me get this straight. You have internet, a smart phone, Netflix and just bought a DVR but you're too much of a cheapskate to buy a wireless router?

Next Election, I'm Voting For Sterilization

"I recently got a laptop. It's a hand-me-down. I'm having trouble connecting to my hard drive." An old woman explained to me.
"Your external hard drive?"
"Yeah. It connects but doesn't read it."
"Hmm, and there's stuff on your hard drive?"
"I don't know. I know it picks up my neighbor's."
"It picks up your neighbor's hard drive?"
"Yeah."
"Are we talking about a hard drive or a wireless connection?"
"I don't know what I'm talking about."
Clearly.

Canada Is Closer

"Are you Mexican?" A customer asked me.
"Nope. I was born in Brazil."
"Brazil. Mexico. Close enough."
Since when was 4300 miles considered close? Customers have a strange idea of what constitutes "close".

Why Couldn't The Pirate See The Movie? Because It Was Rated R

"I need an SD card for my computer!" A woman shouted at me.
"Sure thing, we have them right over here." I said leading her over to our SD card area.
"No, this isn't what I need. I need the one that goes into my computer so I can store stuff on it!"
"A flash drive? That's in our blank media accessories." I lead her over to that section.
"You guys don't have any!" she said, looking at our full shelf of flash drives.
"We have 8, 16 and 32 gb drives."
"No, I'm looking for something cheap, like 6 or 9 dollars!"
"Our cheapest is $12, only 3 more dollars than your price."
"No! I don't want it! ARG!"
You know, add an eye patch and peg leg and she could be a great pirate.

I Just Don't Understand People

"I ordered a TV online, do you have it in?" A grandmother asked me over the phone.
"Depends. Did you get a confirmation email from derp-mart?"
"I don't know. I can't get to my email. Can I pick it up if its ready?"
"Sure, just bring along your ID and we can grab it for you."
"I don't have it because I can't access my email."
"Your ID?"
"What's that?"
"Your identification card. A state ID or driver's license."
'Oh, I have that. I think I'll just pick up a TV off the floor. Thanks."
...So why did you even bother calling about your online order?

Someone Doesn't Know Anything, And It's Not Me

"I need some help." A man in a red polo shirt came to me. You and all the other customers here, my man. "The brightness on my TV is too high. Is there a way for me to turn it down?"
"Yeah, There should be an option in the menu and turn down the brightness or turn off the dynamic setting. That should work for most sets. If you need more help with your specific TV, you can always google the problem.
"...Forget it! You don't know anything."
Wait, which one of us is the know-nothing asking for help here? I forgot.

Maybe She Thought I Knew Because I Work There

"I'm looking for the new Tyler Perry movie." a lady told me.
"We keep all our new movies in the new movies section." I said, walking her over to the aisle. "What's the name of the movie?"
"I don't know the name, I figured you would."
You think I'd know because I'm Black, is that it? I'll have you know, I have taste.

We Don't Have A Drive-Thru For A Reason, Pal

"I was wondering if you had this TV in stock." A man in blue overalls asked while pointing at a TV.
"Let me go see if we have some back in the cage."
"Make it quick. I need to leave in 5 minutes." He snapped.
ಠ_ಠ

That's Probably A One-Way Ticket To Hell

Someone stole our bible. No joke. We're used to people stealing stuff; games, movies even cases for phones and such, but a bible? Really? What goes through the mind of someone who steals a bible? "I really need more Jesus in my life. I know, I'll steal a bible." I wonder if stealing one is considered a bad deed or a good one.

I'm Busy, Not That She Would Understand

"Excuse me," A harpy shrieked at my as I was carrying a TV out to a customer's car. "Can you unlock something for me?"
"I believe my associate Jon has it." I told her without stopping.
"Ok, I'll be waiting here by the chargers for you to get it."
Good luck waiting for 10 minutes then.

I Cry Manly Tears

"Can I put a tablet on layaway?" a woman in her late twenties asked me.
"Sure thing. You can put anything over $50 on layaway."
"It's $200. How much would I have to put down?"
"10%"
"...How much is that?"
*sob sob* What kind of world are we living in where she makes more than me?

If Only Assault Was Legal

A customer and his two kids walk up to the register carrying a few items, one of which was an umbrella, something I've never seen bought because because A) I work in the electronics section and 2) We live in the middle of a desert. I was able to ring up the regular items up as normal but the umbrella lacked a UPC, most likely taken off by an unattended child, just like how life has taken what little hope I had at a respectable job and giving me something that lends less respect than prostitution. A child who was no doubt conceived when their parents had 5 drinks too many and forgot the BC and just decided to roll with it because "Hey, we already raise a gold fish, how much harder could a human life be?" completely oblivious to the fact that their gold fish died from neglect while they were in a drunken stupor. Anyway, where was I? Oh right, couldn't ring up the umbrella.
"F**k the umbrella, I'm in a hurry." The dad barked.
So, I finished the transaction and put the umbrella away.
"No umbrella, daddy?" his daughter asked with puppy dog eyes.
"No, the man is being difficult, honey!"
Being difficult? Nah, being difficult is me tripping you and slamming your head against the counter, knocking you out. Then I'll press my foot on your neck, slowly cutting off oxygen from your unconscious body and when your daughter asks why I'm beating up her daddy I'll bend down and whisper to her "Because he's being difficult, honey."

Black Friday Isn't Nearly As Black As My Heart

"Can you tell me how much inventory you have for Black Friday?" A man asked me over the phone.
"I don't know what our inventory is going to be like. They don't tell us."
"Ah. Well, we were looking to shop on Black Friday and we wanted to double check, you know? We want to make sure you have what we're looking for. We don't want to show up and find out that you're sold out of everything we want, you know? What does the inventory look like on your desktops and laptops?"
"I don't know what our inventory is going to look like on Black Friday."
"What about the new WiiU? Will you have those in stock on Black Friday?"
"I already said that I don't know what we'll in stock."
"What do you know?"
"Nothing."

Lost...

"I forgot where I parked my truck." The disabled, electric-cart-riding customer informed me and my associate in the middle of a parking lot. So, now we're stranded in the middle of a parking lot, holding a 65in TV just waiting for some crazy person to come, rape us and then steal the TV (I hope they pick my associate over me, he's better looking.)
"We'll just take this TV over to customer service and when you find your truck, you can go get it." I said.
"Nonsense." The old man replied. "Just let your buddy walk around a bit to look for it. It's a white truck."
"Like that one?" My coworker asked, pointing to a truck just a ways ahead of us.
"Nah, that's too truck-ish. Mine looks a bit less like a truck."
The *&$# is he talking about? So my associate went away to look for it and returned a few minutes later, having not found it. Surprise, surprise.
"Let me call my daughter real quick, she might know..." he said, dialing her number. "Oh right, I always park in the handicap spot. We walked right past it!"
Are you *&$#in kidding me?!

Customer Derpvice

Our customer service rep called our electronics department and I was lucky enough to pick up the phone.
"Can you tell me why a customer is up here at customer service asking if we have a TV in stock?" She asked.
"Because they're retarded." Was my simple reply. Insulting customers feels so good, it should be illegal.

Paging Dr. Derp

"I'm looking for something that plays movies." A nurse in hospital garb told me.
"You mean a DVD player?"
"Yeah, something small."
"Um, we have portable DVD players." I said, showing her over to our DVD players section.
"How does it work?"
"You just put the DVD in and watch the movie."
"Which side of the DVD do I put in."
How the &$# is someone as dense as you a nurse?! I wouldn't trust you with handling my mail, much less a human life.

Did She Think The Player Magically Made Things 3D?

"I bought a Blu-Ray player from you guys yesterday but it doesn't work." A former customer complained.
"It doesn't work? Is it not reading the CDs or does it not turn on at all?"
"It works fine but it only shows the movie in 2D. How do you get it to show movies in 3D?"
"Is the 3D turned on in your TV?"
"Wait, my TV needs to have 3D too?"

 

Even Dates Confuse These Customers!!!

"Is there a reason why you're not stocking the movie Ted?" A customer complained (this was a female in case you care).
"Because it's not out."
"Yes is it. I'll prove you wrong." She reaches into her purse and pulls out her phone with the advertisement on it. "See, it says it comes out 11th, that's today."
"It says it's coming out on the 11th of next month."
She sure proved me wrong.

What's The Point In Wearing Uniforms If People Can't Tell?

"Excuse me, is this a karaoke CD?" An elderly woman accompanied by two daughters asked, handing me a CD.
"Nope. It'll say Karaoke on the cover."
She leaves and returns shortly asking the same question again.
"Is this a karaoke CD?"
"No."
"A worker said you had it. Can you come find it for us? We're looking for a Taylor Swift karaoke CD."
I didn't even know those exist, much less if we had them in stock. But I walked over to the music section and started looking through our CDs. After about 5 minutes, I couldn't find what they were looking for.
"I can't believe you lied to us. She said you a Taylor Swift karaoke CD."
"Who said we had them? We'll just go ask her where it is."
"I don't know who it was. She didn't have a name tag but she was wearing a red sweater."
"A red sweater? All us workers are required to wear blue shirts."
"Oh. I guess the person I asked was just a regular customer then."
If the entire planet exploded tomorrow, I wouldn't miss it one bit. In fact, I think we deserve total annihilation.

I R Samart

"How much do you know about macs?" A customer asks me.
"Not very."
"Really? You look like the smartest person here."
"Is it the glasses? They don't require IQ tests to purchase glasses anymore, you know."

There Needs To Be A Tax On Stupidity

A lady walks up to the counter and unloads 10 flash drives and a container of blank CDs.
"I'm trying to give my friends copies of my photos." She told me, as if I cared.
"Why don't you just upload the pictures to facebook or imgur and have your friends download them?"
"Nah, that would take too long. Putting them on flash drives and CDs will be quicker."
Where do stupid people get all their money from and how can we steal it from them?

As If I Were That Stupid

"Can you open this? I want to take a look at the product." A customer asked, handing me me a sealed box.
"We can't open sealed containers." I informed her.
"Sure you can. Just use a knife or something."
Of course, how silly of me.It's such a simple solution. To think these things have thwarted me all this time.

Name Tags Don't Lie

"Excuse me, are you John?"
I look down on my name tag. "Nope."

Please, Let Me Wake Up

"Do all your laptops have wi-fi?" A customer asked.
"Yup."
"Ok. So I don't need internet then, right?"
I have to be dreaming. There's no way this can actually be happening.

Cash Registers, Computers, Same Thing

"Do you have this movie in stock?" A customer asked, showing me a picture of the movie on her iphone.
"I don't believe we do."
"Can you just look it up on that computer over there."
"I can't because that's a cash register, not a computer."

If Only We Could Harness Stupidity As An Energy Source

"I'm looking for a wall charger for a Nintendo DS."
"The cheapest one we have is this $20 combo pack." I said, showing her what we had in stock.
"What about this $10 one?" She asked, pointing to a car charger.
"That's a car charger."
"What's the difference."
"This one charges your DS in your car."
"Can I use the car charger in my outlets at home?"
ಠ_ಠ

Don't Cry For Me, Argentina

"I'm looking for the laptop you guys have on sale." A female phone caller said.
"We only have two left in stock."
"Can you hold on to it for me?"
"We're not allowed to hold clearance items."
"That's not fair. I don't get off work for another 5 hours. I won't be able to buy one."
Oh, cry me a river, hon.

You Just Can't Win With Some People

"Do you have any Call of Duty Black Ops 2 in stock?" A customer on the phone asks.
"That doesn't get released for another week."
"I don't believe you."
"Oh well." I said and hung up.

There's A Moral To This Story Somewhere

Here's a story that's light on dialogue but heavy in irony. A man called our store, begging for an ipad mini. He just had to have it. Lucky him, we had one in stock. He wanted us to hold it for him, only problem was that we only hold on to items for an hour, it's only fair to give other customers a chance to buy it too.
"What? That's lame. Is there a way to guarantee I'll get it?" He asks.
"You can order a store pick up. Go online, buy it and offer to pick it up in the store."
He decides to do just that. In a few hours, he shows up to pick it up. We check the computer, it's currently being binned. We bin all in-store pick up items in the back and his hadn't been done yet.
"According to our computer, it's still being processed."
"What?! I ordered it 30 minutes ago!"
"We bin everything at the top of the hour, so it'll probably be ready in 15 minutes."
"I can't wait that long. Let me just cancel my order and buy one."
He goes online using his phone and cancels his order. We go over to our ipad case to look for his precious mini.
"I want a 16gb model." We're all out of 16gb models, he grabbed the last one. "That's preposterous! What happened to the one I ordered?"
"It's being binned in the back."
"Can you grab it?"
"I don't have clearance to do that. We do have 32gb in stock."
"I can't afford that model! This is bull$#@!"
Mmm, such sweet, delicious irony. If only I had a spoon to eat it all up with.

We Don't Reward Persistence With Discounts

"Is that TV $589?" An elderly couple inquired.
"No, that TV is $679. The smaller TV next to it is $589." I informed them
"Wait, how much is that TV?" The woman asked pointing to the TV under the $679
"$589 as well."
"I see. And the TV right above it?"
"The first one you asked about? $679, same as the first time you asked about it."

Do I Look Like Morgan Freeman From Driving Miss Daisy?

"I was looking for just a wii."
"We only have bundles, sorry about that. If you're looking for just a system, you can check there."
"Can you led me over there?"
"Gamestop is a completely different store."
"So you can't come with me?"
"No."

Boo Hoo, No WiiU

"We're looking for the WiiU." A couple asked me.
"We're no longer taking pre-orders for that. We've sold out all our initial shipments."
"What? No way. Our son will be so disappointed that Santa didn't bring one for him." Are you trying to win some sympathy? He could be at death's door and I still wouldn't care. "Isn't there anything you can do?" I can bring some popcorn over to your place Christmas day and enjoy the water works. Yes, cry spoiled child. Let me use your tears to salten my popcorn.

They Need A Word A Day Calendar

"You misled us!" A couple accused me.
"I'm sorry." I needlessly apologized, no doubt knowing that I'd be redeemed soon enough.
"You said we could find printer paper in the lawn and garden section." Who the *&$# would look for paper there?
"I said to check in the home office section that was adjacent to lawn and garden."
"What's adjacent mean?"
"Next to it."
"Oh ok."

Of Course a 65in TV Will Fit In An Impala

Do I even need to write anything in this post? At this point, we all know where this story is going. A guy comes in, puts down nearly 2 grand on a huge TV and can't get it home because his car barely fits him, much less his kid and the brand new TV.

An associate actually has begun asking if they have a truck with them for all TVs over 45in. Sometimes he even gets sarcastic remarks from others. "Of course they have a truck with them." another worker remarked. "Who wouldn't think about how to get a big TV home?" The answer: Our customers!! You'll never lose by betting on human stupidity.

A Monkey Is More Attentive

I was helping an old lady looking for a music CD for her grandchildren, since they're about as hard to find as...well, a virgin in Las Vegas. She was looking for classic kid songs, and I lead her over to our Disney CDs. She picked up the CD and glanced at it.
"No, this isn't what I'm looking for. It's too mature for them." Disney too mature? What next, water having too much pep for them? "Where did I grab this CD from?"
"You got it from here." I said, pointing to the slot where the Disney CDs were. She saw where I was pointing to and promptly ignored it and put it somewhere else. What's it going to take to get these people to put stuff back?! I tell them where it is, nope. Point to it, nada. Do I have to take their hand and force them? They'll probably just drop it.

If Anyone Should Have It...

"Excuse me. I'm looking to buy that Star Wars game on the Kinect for my grand-kids." A grandmother asked me.
"We don't carry that in stock anymore."
"How can you not have it? If anyone should have it, it's Wal-Mart."
No, if anyone should have it would be Gamestop. It has the word game right in its name. If there's one thing Wal-Mart should have it's wals, and I don't even know what that is, much less if we have them (or, if they misspelled "wall" they really should change their name to Derp-Mart).

New Policy: Pick That $#@! Up!

If you drop something, pick it up. Who would've thought that I'd need a policy about this?! I was walking down the clothes aisle at the same time as this one dude, so I move off to the side so he can pass me with his cart. Well, he knocks down a pair of shirts because he was probably on drugs. You'd think he'd pick it up but nope. He knocks it down, looks back at what he did and then took off. "I just *&$#ed things up, time to get out and let the Black guy pick clean up after me." I imagine him saying. Typical.

Dumb and Blind

"Where's your kodak inks?" An older man asked me
"Right here." I said, pointing to the ink section in front of him, the entire thing consisting of kodak inks.
"I don't see it." I pick it up and show him the kodak logo. "Ah, ok. Now, which one goes with my printer?"
I've lost my will to live. Why continue living when the world is being ran by these people?

Why Ask For Help If You Don't Want It?!

"Can you add minutes to my phone? I don't know how." A foreign woman asked.
"Sure." I say. We scratched off the film thingy whatever it is to reveal the code, then I slowly starting going through the process to teach her how to add minutes herself, just in case she's ever stranded in the middle of nowhere and only has 30 minutes to call for help before the coyotes get to her. Before I could even add the code in, she snatched the phone out of my hand.
"Forget it! You don't know what you're doing. I want someone else to do it."
No wonder the customers of Derp-Mart are so stupid, you can't teach them anything. There's like a condom around their brain, nothing gets in!

Of Course, It Should Cost Less For Having Less

"I was wondering if you had the mouse I like in stock." An Asian woman asked me. Why do people assume that I'm God? I don't look anything like Morgan Freeman. So, we headed our to our computer accessories section to see what mouse she likes, so I can see if we have it in stock. "Why are your wired mice more costly than your wireless? Shouldn't they cost more because more material is needed to make them?"
Of course there's more there so it should be worth more. Much like how because there's twice as much as me as there is you, I should be worth twice as much.