If it seems like most of my complaints about people tend to trend on the stupid side, it's because the noticeable people were, for the most part, stupid or at least stupid around me (maybe they were nervous being in my presence or had a crippling social anxiety.) I didn't really have any experience with rude customers, aside from them being annoying or negligent, until now.
"Get me two of these laptops." A customer says, surrounded by his wife and two kids. I guess buying laptops is a family affair. I open the cabinet under the laptop, the one they want isn't there. I check the one next to it, nada.
"I think we're all out of them." I inform the customer.
"Then check the back." The man demands.
Um, a please would be nice.
"Yeah, you know how this works, honey." the wife added.
Oh for the love of...So, I go into the back, ask the assistant manager to open the electronics cage so I can get in and check to see if we have any. We don't.
"We don't have any in the back either." I tell them when I get back to the floor.
"You have it advertised in your magazine." We have a magazine? "How can you not have it?!" The man asks.
"We ran out."
The wife turns around and asks my coworker for help. "Do you have any of these laptops in stock? This guy has been of no help at all." Yeah, suck you too, lady. "He didn't even check any of the other places." Well, she got me there. I definitely didn't check in the places where we don't store laptops.
"You check the cabinets and the back, right?" My coworker asked me.
"Yep." I replied.
"Just use your handheld to check to see if you have any in stock." The man commanded. My co-worker rolled his eyes and checked just to humor him. Turns out I was telling the truth after all, we don't have any in stock.
"We don't have any here but according to the system there's exactly two left at our other Derp-Mart, it's about 30 minutes away in traffic." My coworker told them.
"Thanks, you've been a bigger help than this guy." The dad said and the family left.
"I was just fucking with them. The other Derp-Mart doesn't have any in stock either." My co-worker told me.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Back and Forth, Back and Forth
"I'm looking for a 50in Philips TV. Can you check if you have it in back?" A customer asks.
I go into the back, ask someone to open the electronics cage where the big ticket items are kept (what, you didn't know they locked us out of the very place we need to get into? Well, they do. Customers aren't the only people Derp-Mart distrusts.). Someone opens the cage and I'm able to see that we have the item. So I go hunting for a cart to put the TV on, find it, grab the TV, put it on the cart and take it out to the customer so they can purchase it.
"Oh wait, I don't want this TV anymore. I want another one that's right here on the floor." the customer says.
I take the 50in TV back and go back to the floor to "take care of" (ha, I wish I meant it like that.) the customer. I grab their other TV they want, put it on the cart I had and ring them up on the register.
"Oh wow, $750? That's too expensive. Never mind we'll take the other TV after all."
There is no middle finger big enough!
I go into the back, ask someone to open the electronics cage where the big ticket items are kept (what, you didn't know they locked us out of the very place we need to get into? Well, they do. Customers aren't the only people Derp-Mart distrusts.). Someone opens the cage and I'm able to see that we have the item. So I go hunting for a cart to put the TV on, find it, grab the TV, put it on the cart and take it out to the customer so they can purchase it.
"Oh wait, I don't want this TV anymore. I want another one that's right here on the floor." the customer says.
I take the 50in TV back and go back to the floor to "take care of" (ha, I wish I meant it like that.) the customer. I grab their other TV they want, put it on the cart I had and ring them up on the register.
"Oh wow, $750? That's too expensive. Never mind we'll take the other TV after all."
There is no middle finger big enough!
New Policy: Associate Help
If we're helping you take out a TV or something large, and we're required to help on all the larger items, you are not allowed to stop and chew the fat with a customer. I'm sorry, we're busy people in the electronics department and we don't have time to wait for you so you can ask whoever how their day is and if they ever got that stick removed from their butt. I know your time is worth little but ours isn't.
Just Checking
"Excuse me." An old Asian grandmother stops me. "Do you have these things?" she shows me a piece of paper with Playstation 3 and PES 2013 written on it. Lucky for her, I know what PES stands for Pro Evolution Soccer or she would've just confused someone.
"Yep, we do." I grab the keys off an associate and open the cabinet to the game first, grab it after telling her the game was $60. Then we head over to the PS3 cabinet, open it up and grab it.
"What price is that?" she asks.
"$250."
"Oh wow, that's expensive. I thought it was only $50."
In what universe does a video game console cost less than a game made for it?
"Do you still want it?" I ask.
"Yes."
So I take the two items over to the cash register, I had to carry them myself because she forgot to bring her a cart. I scan the items up and tell her the total was about $350 with tax (I forget the actual price).
"Ok, thank you." She says and starts to leave.
"Wait, don't you want to buy it?"
"Oh no, I just wanted to know what the total price was."
Hmm, I told her the game was $60, the system was $250 and she still needed for me to ring it up before figuring out what it would cost? I could've told her what it costs without even looking at the items. And here I thought Asians were good at math.
"Yep, we do." I grab the keys off an associate and open the cabinet to the game first, grab it after telling her the game was $60. Then we head over to the PS3 cabinet, open it up and grab it.
"What price is that?" she asks.
"$250."
"Oh wow, that's expensive. I thought it was only $50."
In what universe does a video game console cost less than a game made for it?
"Do you still want it?" I ask.
"Yes."
So I take the two items over to the cash register, I had to carry them myself because she forgot to bring her a cart. I scan the items up and tell her the total was about $350 with tax (I forget the actual price).
"Ok, thank you." She says and starts to leave.
"Wait, don't you want to buy it?"
"Oh no, I just wanted to know what the total price was."
Hmm, I told her the game was $60, the system was $250 and she still needed for me to ring it up before figuring out what it would cost? I could've told her what it costs without even looking at the items. And here I thought Asians were good at math.
New Policy: Phone Calling
If you call asking if we have something in stock and we go look for it, you are required to stay on the line until we come back. Why even bother calling us if you're going to hang up before you get the information you called for. If you're going to do that, just don't bother calling in the first place.
You Tell That ______
So a Black woman and her daughter (I promise I'm not going somewhere racist with this premise) ask me for help, they're trying to decide which Playstation 3 controller they want to buy for her son.
"We have two models." I tell them as I lead them to the controller aisle. "We have Dualshock 3, in various colors and we have a basic Sixaxis controller. Which type did he want?"
Neither of them know so the daughter calls her brother on the phone and starts talking to him.
"Which do you want? There's Dualshock with a bunch of different colors and there's Sixaxis...No, there's only one color for sixaxis...No, there's no glow in the dark controller. No, we're not going to GameStop to buy you one!"
This went on for another 30 seconds until the mother chimed in. "You tell that nigger that we're going to buy him a Blue Dualshock 3 controller and he better be damn well happy we bought it for him!" There are a few rare moments where my job seems totally worth it.
"We have two models." I tell them as I lead them to the controller aisle. "We have Dualshock 3, in various colors and we have a basic Sixaxis controller. Which type did he want?"
Neither of them know so the daughter calls her brother on the phone and starts talking to him.
"Which do you want? There's Dualshock with a bunch of different colors and there's Sixaxis...No, there's only one color for sixaxis...No, there's no glow in the dark controller. No, we're not going to GameStop to buy you one!"
This went on for another 30 seconds until the mother chimed in. "You tell that nigger that we're going to buy him a Blue Dualshock 3 controller and he better be damn well happy we bought it for him!" There are a few rare moments where my job seems totally worth it.
There's No Hope For Humanity
"What's the difference between the 16GB flash drive and the 32GB?"
I laughed thinking it was a joke but she was completely serious.
I laughed thinking it was a joke but she was completely serious.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
I Hope I Inspired Him
"Excuse me." Why does everyone always say excuse me? Even this lady, who is a worker here, is saying it. Come up with something original so I can start these blogs different. Or maybe that's asking too much. "Did you sell this young boy this M rated video game?" she asks, pointing to someone who is around 14 years old.
"Nope, didn't sell any games today. Why do we need to do a check?"
"Yes, he's not old enough to play these types of games."
"I've been playing those types of games since the original Mortal Kombat and the worst thing I can say about my life is that I work at Derp-Mart. Kid, learn from my mistake."
"Nope, didn't sell any games today. Why do we need to do a check?"
"Yes, he's not old enough to play these types of games."
"I've been playing those types of games since the original Mortal Kombat and the worst thing I can say about my life is that I work at Derp-Mart. Kid, learn from my mistake."
Maybe He Just Likes Traveling And Wasting Money
"Excuse me, can you digitize my movies?"
"Can I what?"
"You have a service that lets me download my movies onto my computer."
"We do?" Wow, who would've guessed that for once I would be the idiot. But it doesn't take long for someone to one-up you.
" Yeah, I bring in my movies, pay a free and Derp-Mart sends me a link in my email where I can download them digitally."
"Wait, so let me get this straight. You drove down to Derp-Mart and are paying us money to send you a link to a place where you can download your movies when you can already do that at home for free?"
"Yes."
"Can I what?"
"You have a service that lets me download my movies onto my computer."
"We do?" Wow, who would've guessed that for once I would be the idiot. But it doesn't take long for someone to one-up you.
" Yeah, I bring in my movies, pay a free and Derp-Mart sends me a link in my email where I can download them digitally."
"Wait, so let me get this straight. You drove down to Derp-Mart and are paying us money to send you a link to a place where you can download your movies when you can already do that at home for free?"
"Yes."
Why Don't We Carry Everything In The World?
"Why don't you guys carry X product? I just came from Derp-Buy and they have it."
So why didn't you buy it there? And why are you blaming us for your stupidity?
So why didn't you buy it there? And why are you blaming us for your stupidity?
Our Best Laptop
"Excuse me. I want your BEST laptop."
"Certainly sir." I lead him to our best laptop, which would only be mediocre at any competent electronics store.
"Whoa, that's expensive. Why can't your best be cheaper, like these other models?"
There's a novel idea. Lets charge the same price for everything.
Warranty
"Can I buy the warranty a year after I buy this?"
Sometimes I wish I were making these stories up, I really do. Because when you think about people's ability to reproduce, you know that it's these people who are popping them like shots. Anyone who is against Eugenics has not worked at Derp-Mart.
Sometimes I wish I were making these stories up, I really do. Because when you think about people's ability to reproduce, you know that it's these people who are popping them like shots. Anyone who is against Eugenics has not worked at Derp-Mart.
Sony Laptop
"I need a Sony Laptop. It has to be a Sony."
Oh great, a fan boy. And yes, this was a man. Finally, huh? After all these stories with women, I feel like some of you would've accused me of sexism. If it's not the Black thing in the Women thing. It's not my fault they tend to say stupid things, don't blame me.
"We only have two models. A Vaio and a generic model." I told him.
"Not the Vaio, it's too big." I check the cabinet and we don't have any in stock. "Can you check the other cabinets?"
"If we had some, it would be in this one."
"Just check the other ones." I check the other ones and he spots one that says Sony on it. "See, you did have a Sony laptop!"
"That's the Vaio you didn't want."
"Oh, well check the rest of them." I check the other ones, still didn't magically appear out of the Ether. "Oh well." And he walks off without even a thank you for spending all this time and effort for nothing.
Oh great, a fan boy. And yes, this was a man. Finally, huh? After all these stories with women, I feel like some of you would've accused me of sexism. If it's not the Black thing in the Women thing. It's not my fault they tend to say stupid things, don't blame me.
"We only have two models. A Vaio and a generic model." I told him.
"Not the Vaio, it's too big." I check the cabinet and we don't have any in stock. "Can you check the other cabinets?"
"If we had some, it would be in this one."
"Just check the other ones." I check the other ones and he spots one that says Sony on it. "See, you did have a Sony laptop!"
"That's the Vaio you didn't want."
"Oh, well check the rest of them." I check the other ones, still didn't magically appear out of the Ether. "Oh well." And he walks off without even a thank you for spending all this time and effort for nothing.
I Guess She Thinks I Can Read Minds Of People I've Never Met
"My Daughter needs a laptop. Can you tell me which one she would like?"
Do I look like Professor Xavier, lady?! You tell me!
Do I look like Professor Xavier, lady?! You tell me!
It's Not Everyday A Customer Asks You Do Help Them Break the Law
"Ok, I bought a laptop from you guys about 3 months ago and my word and powerpoint ran out. It says I need to buy it."
"A product number, we've got those." I lead her over to the software section.
"Oh wow, $120? That sure is expensive. Can you tell me where I can find it for free on the internet?"
ಠ_ಠ
"A product number, we've got those." I lead her over to the software section.
"Oh wow, $120? That sure is expensive. Can you tell me where I can find it for free on the internet?"
ಠ_ಠ
For The Same Price?
"Excuse me, I really like this used laptop. Do you have a new one for the same price?"
42in Sanyo TVs
"Hey, you guys lied to me. you told me you didn't have any 42in Sanyo TVs. But I found one right here behind the other TVs."
Well, you sure showed us. Except for the fact that you asked for a 42in and the TV you pulled out is a 47in. But other than that, you're great. 3 and a half stars for you. Naturally I couldn't say exactly this but I pretty much did by pointing out a 2 is very different from a 7.
Well, you sure showed us. Except for the fact that you asked for a 42in and the TV you pulled out is a 47in. But other than that, you're great. 3 and a half stars for you. Naturally I couldn't say exactly this but I pretty much did by pointing out a 2 is very different from a 7.
Book Aisle
"Pardon me, I'm looking for the book aisle."
"Do you see that big sign that says "BOOKS" on the top of the next aisle?"
I'm sure she felt stupid after I pointed out which all I can say to that is GOOD!
"Do you see that big sign that says "BOOKS" on the top of the next aisle?"
I'm sure she felt stupid after I pointed out which all I can say to that is GOOD!
Prometheus
"Do you guys have Prometheus on DVD?" A customer asks "I see you have it on Blu-Ray."
"We have it on Blu-Ray? That's impossible. The movie hasn't been released yet."
"Yes you do. It's over here." She walks me over for the New Releases area and shows me the Prometheus case which clearly says "Pre-Order Prometheus" on the cover. I swear they do this just to annoy me.
"We have it on Blu-Ray? That's impossible. The movie hasn't been released yet."
"Yes you do. It's over here." She walks me over for the New Releases area and shows me the Prometheus case which clearly says "Pre-Order Prometheus" on the cover. I swear they do this just to annoy me.
Friday, September 28, 2012
His and Her
*How I assume this conversation went down*
Wife: Honey?
Husband: Yes, Dear?
W: I just had this great idea.
H (thinking): May God help us all.
W: We should have His and Her carts went we shop. That way we can each fill our carts with our own items. Doesn't that seem like a cute idea?
H (sarcastically): Yeah, and we can even shop side-by-side so that way we take up an entire aisle, completely blocking all other shoppers from passing us so they hate us for all eternity.
W: I knew you'd like the idea. And my father said we were having communication problems and thought we should get a divorce. Can you believe that he was just about to write us out of his will too? $10 million nearly lost too.
H (thinking): Please let the two of them die in some horrible accident soon.
Wife: Honey?
Husband: Yes, Dear?
W: I just had this great idea.
H (thinking): May God help us all.
W: We should have His and Her carts went we shop. That way we can each fill our carts with our own items. Doesn't that seem like a cute idea?
H (sarcastically): Yeah, and we can even shop side-by-side so that way we take up an entire aisle, completely blocking all other shoppers from passing us so they hate us for all eternity.
W: I knew you'd like the idea. And my father said we were having communication problems and thought we should get a divorce. Can you believe that he was just about to write us out of his will too? $10 million nearly lost too.
H (thinking): Please let the two of them die in some horrible accident soon.
New Policy: No Bar Code? It Must Be Free
Or, the alternative, “It won’t scan, it must be free!” joke.
We’re banning that phrase. It’s old, repetitive and wasn’t even funny the first
time it was utter. I’m assuming it was whispered among cave men thousands of
years ago, while they were hiding in the bushes stalking a prey. They see a
delicious cheetah crawl by and one caveman ughs to the other “Ooo, no bar code, means free, zug
zug.” And that was the only instance in which it actually was free, assuming
they caught it (I hear those things are kind of fast.). So, I guess what I’m trying to say is if you find stuff
in the wild with no bar code, it’s yours. Oh and stop telling that old joke.
Computer Condom
“I need a condom for my computer.” The decrepit lady said,
showing me her toothless grin.
“So, would you need Extra Large or something bigger? I’m not
even sure we carry condoms here at Derp-Mart. You’d think we’d keep them next to
the liquor and baby aisles but we don’t.
“I mean I need protection for my computer. Always good to
use protection.”
It only makes sense that we take care of our replaceable
computers better than our permanent teeth now, doesn’t it?
Thursday, September 27, 2012
People Striking For More Favorable Wages and Living Conditions? Ridiculous!
“Excuse me, I’d like to file a complaint.” Figures something
would come up. Things were going a bit too smoothly today.
“Sure,” I say. “What’s the complaint?”
“I called you guys and asked if you have the iphone 5.”
“We don’t. we only got 5 in stock last week and Apple hasn’t
sent any more to us.”
“But the person on the phone said you did.”
“That person was mistaken, unfortunately. I’m sorry. I
believe we’ve been having supply problems with iphone 5s because the Foxconn
workers that make them in China
went on strike for better wages and living conditions.”
“This is ridiculous!”
“I know. Can you imagine working all day and barely earning
any money and living in terrible living conditions. How horrible.”
“No, I mean how ridiculous that Apple can’t find someone
else to make iphone 5s for them. It’s only the biggest product of the year.” Ah
yes, how silly of me to put the concerns of humans above that of our electronic
gadgets. Hopefully Derp-Mart doesn’t find out otherwise I might lose my job. “I
want to talk to your manager!” She says, pointing at me with her archaic iphone
4S, a phone so old that she should be classified as a senior citizen and
qualify for medicare and social security. So, naturally I get my manager over
and guess what the manager said. If you answered: “The exact same thing you
said” then you win an iphony 5. It’s like an iphone 5 only imaginary.
Oh, Of Course It HAS to be the White Iphone 4S
“Hi, do you have any iphone 4S in stock?”
“Let me check…” Runs over to the iphone cabinet unlocks
the two locks, looks inside, sees two black iphones with Verizon and AT&T. Locks the cabinets back up, runs back to the
phone. “Yep, we’ve got em with both AT&T and Verizon. No Sprint though.”
“Oh, I meant to ask for the white iphone 4S, it’s gotta be
white.” Of course, it has to be white. After all, Black is so ugly. It only
matches almost every other computer appliance.
“Let me check again.” Runs over to the cabinet again,
unlocks both locks again and rummages through the stock to make sure we have a
white iphone 4S for both AT&T and Verizon. We do. Locks the cabinet back up
again and runs over to the phone…again. “Yep, we have white for both AT&T
and Verizon…hello…hello?” Note to self: Just say we don’t have it.
Plasma is a POS
“Excuse me,” 4 days in and I already hate those two words.
Why can’t a customer ever ask me out? “I asked someone for a TV and they went
back to go get it and haven’t come back yet.”
“Really? I’m sorry. When did they go back?”
“About 3 minutes ago.” OMG, somebody call the cops. Someone’s
been gone for 3 whole minutes. “Can you go tell her that I don’t want the 32in
TV anymore? I want the 40in.”
So, I run back told the worker who went back, who happened
to be my boss. We didn’t have it the TV he wanted and she asked me if he still
wanted the 32in. So I ran back and told him. “Ah ok, well I still don’t want
that TV.” Cue running back to tell the boss that he doesn’t want it. Run back.
“I want this TV right here, since there’s the box right
here.” He said pointing to another 42in.
“The plasma?!” I asked. He confirmed that’s what he wanted.
So I grabbed the TV rang it up for him. Got it paid. I grabbed a cart to place
the TV on and told him I’d meet him in the front. I asked my associate to watch
the TV while I went for the cart.
“He wants the plasma?!” my senior citizen associate
exclaims. “Plasma is a piece of shit!” I kid you not, she actually said that.
And it made my day. So, I take the TV out to the man’s car, which he happened
to park in the Disabled Parking Spot. A healthy Asian who can’t be older than
his 30s, completely well and walking fine with no indication on his car that he
was authorized to park there, no wonder he was in such a hurry to get out.
“Ok,” I tell him, just after loading his TV into the car. “Because
you bought a plasma, it’s extremely important that you don’t” *ring ring ring*
“Hello?” the customer says, answering the phone. He proceeds
to speak Asianese into the phone for the next 5 minutes, clearly whatever he’s
talking about is far more important than ensuring that his TV doesn’t get
ruined and he comes back to us to complain. Oh well. His loss.
Blah Blah Blah. Blah Blah, Blah.
"Excuse me." A customer calls my attention despite the fact that I clearly look busy but whatever, that's what I'm paid for, to be inconvenienced all the time. "I just got this new cable box. I used to have cable a long time ago but I got rid of it a couple of years ago. I was poor at the time so it was either get rid of cable or get rid of my internet and I really like my internet. I mean, I can always watch TV shows online, right? But you can't browse the web on your TV, at least not without internet. So, I got rid of my cable and signed up for Netflix, which is great because I can just watch all my favorite shows in a row when they're posted. Instead of only getting one episode at a time, you know? I hated that, especially when a show is in two-parts or ends in a cliffhanger. I mean, I gotta know what happens, I can't take this suspense. Anyway, so I got cable again and it came with this new cable box. I was able to connect my internet and cable into it but my cable cord is way too long, I think it's 15 feet. Could be 20 or even 30. But I'm pretty sure I bought a 15 footer. I'm not too good at measuring things out with just my eyes, I really need a ruler or a measuring tape. But I was wondering if you had guys had a splitter."
"We sure do, it's in our TV accessories section."
"We sure do, it's in our TV accessories section."
You Should Know Where That Is
Second day on the job, they had me training up in the front on the cash registers, just in case they ever need to pull us up to the front to help (which I sincerely hope they never do for me and they probably won't since electronics is so busy all the time). So, I was training under one of the nicest ladies ever. Actually, most Derp-Mart workers are nice, especially the grandmas we employ. (I suspect they constantly pump in ecstasy through the air-conditioning or put anti-depressants in our water.).Things actually went pretty smoothly. Didn't even get one of those "It didn't scan, it must be free" comments that we tend to murder people over. Aside from a fossil using a check to pay for her things (which should be illegal in 2012. The check thing, I mean, not the paying for stuff.).
"Excuse me!" A young mother said, just as I was thinking nothing stupid was going to happen today. "This diaper bag has a hole in it." She said pointing to a hole so small I probably wouldn't have been able to see it if she didn't point it out. "You guys covered over it with tape. Why would you do that?"
"I'm pretty sure it's to prevent the hole from getting bigger, since just a small one can lead to a bigger one. Kind of like when you cut fabric with scissors, just a small cut will let you tear..."
"Yeah, ok. Can you go back and exchange it with another one for me."
Sure, I'll just leave my busy post so you don't have to be inconvenienced with walking back to the store to grab another product you want. I looked over to my trainer and she said it was ok for me to go. "I got it from the baby section." No, I thought it came from the alcohol section, since that's clearly the product that led to your kid's conception. Also, note to Derp-Mart. Putting diapers near the alcohol, perfect reminder for birth-control. "You should know where that section is." Oh, of course. Because I’m a 24 year old Black guy, I must obviously know where the baby aisle is. I probably have a dozen kids by now. Though, if we’re going to use stereotypes, wouldn't I have abandoned them all for more women?
"Excuse me!" A young mother said, just as I was thinking nothing stupid was going to happen today. "This diaper bag has a hole in it." She said pointing to a hole so small I probably wouldn't have been able to see it if she didn't point it out. "You guys covered over it with tape. Why would you do that?"
"I'm pretty sure it's to prevent the hole from getting bigger, since just a small one can lead to a bigger one. Kind of like when you cut fabric with scissors, just a small cut will let you tear..."
"Yeah, ok. Can you go back and exchange it with another one for me."
Sure, I'll just leave my busy post so you don't have to be inconvenienced with walking back to the store to grab another product you want. I looked over to my trainer and she said it was ok for me to go. "I got it from the baby section." No, I thought it came from the alcohol section, since that's clearly the product that led to your kid's conception. Also, note to Derp-Mart. Putting diapers near the alcohol, perfect reminder for birth-control. "You should know where that section is." Oh, of course. Because I’m a 24 year old Black guy, I must obviously know where the baby aisle is. I probably have a dozen kids by now. Though, if we’re going to use stereotypes, wouldn't I have abandoned them all for more women?
We Must Have It
"I'm looking for ____ printer cartridge." Says the woman to my associate behind me. In an effort to not be racist, I won't say what her race is but we're all thinking the same race right? No, she wasn't Asian, Chris. I can see now why you barely passed high school.
"I'm sorry, we don't carry that in stock anymore." My coworker replied.
"Hold on, let me call my son real quick to explain to him. Don't go anywhere." *cue 5 minute phone conversation with my co-worker just standing there. "My son says you guys must have it because he just saw it here!"
"What? When did he see it?"
"Two months ago."
Given her age, I'm sure two months ago would classify as "just saw it". The more I work at Derp-Mart the more I realize how stupid politicians get elected.
"I'm sorry, we don't carry that in stock anymore." My coworker replied.
"Hold on, let me call my son real quick to explain to him. Don't go anywhere." *cue 5 minute phone conversation with my co-worker just standing there. "My son says you guys must have it because he just saw it here!"
"What? When did he see it?"
"Two months ago."
Given her age, I'm sure two months ago would classify as "just saw it". The more I work at Derp-Mart the more I realize how stupid politicians get elected.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Why Not Just Sell Me The Display?
"We want to buy this laptop." a burly man shopping with his either extremely young wife or daughter told me.
"Sure thing. Let me just get the keys." I said in a voice so cheery it should earn me a raise. I grabbed the keys from another Derp-Mart associate and open the cabinet only to discover that we're all out of that laptop.
"Sorry, we're all out." I apologized. "Is there another laptop you're interested in?"
"Can you sell us the display?" The woman asked.
"I can't."
"Why not?" The man asked, stepping forward. "Just ask the manufacture to send you a new one."
"It's for decoration only. The displays don't have bar codes for us to scan." I explained.
"So?!"
They may not have bar codes but displays still make great bludgeoning objects. Or at least they would if they weren't tied down.
Edit: It has come to my attention from a actual customer that you CAN buy the display items. Oops.
"Sure thing. Let me just get the keys." I said in a voice so cheery it should earn me a raise. I grabbed the keys from another Derp-Mart associate and open the cabinet only to discover that we're all out of that laptop.
"Sorry, we're all out." I apologized. "Is there another laptop you're interested in?"
"Can you sell us the display?" The woman asked.
"I can't."
"Why not?" The man asked, stepping forward. "Just ask the manufacture to send you a new one."
"It's for decoration only. The displays don't have bar codes for us to scan." I explained.
"So?!"
They may not have bar codes but displays still make great bludgeoning objects. Or at least they would if they weren't tied down.
Edit: It has come to my attention from a actual customer that you CAN buy the display items. Oops.
I Want To Speak To Your Manager
"Hi Ma'am, can I help you?" I ask.
"Yeah, I want to buy a cellphone with a plan."
"_____ over there by the busy register is the only person qualified to deal with cellphone plans." I replied, pointed over to the far left register.
"You or anyone else can't do it?"
"Nope."
"I want to speak to your manager!"
I point to the guy next to me who just happened to be the manager.
"_____ is the only person qualified to sell cellphones with plans." The manager told her.
"Yeah, I want to buy a cellphone with a plan."
"_____ over there by the busy register is the only person qualified to deal with cellphone plans." I replied, pointed over to the far left register.
"You or anyone else can't do it?"
"Nope."
"I want to speak to your manager!"
I point to the guy next to me who just happened to be the manager.
"_____ is the only person qualified to sell cellphones with plans." The manager told her.
Computer, Register, Same Thing
"If you can bring your items over here, I'll check you out." I said waiving the woman to bring her cart around to the register near me.
"Why can't you check me out right here?" She complained pointing to the monitor next to her.
"Because that's not a register, it's a computer."
"Why can't you check me out right here?" She complained pointing to the monitor next to her.
"Because that's not a register, it's a computer."
So Much For Being The Best Customers
"Hey, did you get an SD card for a customer?" I was asked.
"Yep. I don't have the keys though, I gave it back to ____."
"That's not it. Whenever we get an item for a customer that's locked away, we take it up to the register to make sure they don't steal it."
"The $15 SD card? They steal those."
" Yeah, they steal all types of products, no matter the price." She explained.
"Well you need to get in touch with the training coordinators because they've been telling all the new hires that our customers are the best."
Her: ಠ_ಠ
"Yep. I don't have the keys though, I gave it back to ____."
"That's not it. Whenever we get an item for a customer that's locked away, we take it up to the register to make sure they don't steal it."
"The $15 SD card? They steal those."
" Yeah, they steal all types of products, no matter the price." She explained.
"Well you need to get in touch with the training coordinators because they've been telling all the new hires that our customers are the best."
Her: ಠ_ಠ
Layaway
"Why can't I put this item on layaway?" A black woman asks. Why is she black, you say? Because God made her that way.
"We have a $50 limit on items to be put on layaway. Things need to cost either $50 with tax or more." I reply.
"I should be able to put this on layaway, it's only $30!" She snapped back.
Yes, it is only $30. Do you even listen to yourself?!
"We have a $50 limit on items to be put on layaway. Things need to cost either $50 with tax or more." I reply.
"I should be able to put this on layaway, it's only $30!" She snapped back.
Yes, it is only $30. Do you even listen to yourself?!
Why Would You Want To Deter Stealing?
"What's this thing?" A customer asks, pointing to the black wires we put around our products.
"Oh, those are called spiders. We put them around our products to deter stealing." I answer.
"Why would you want to do that?" He replied.
Yes, why would we want to do that? I can't imagine why, it's not like Derp-Mart is in business to make money or anything. If I ever open a store, I'm going to permit the slapping of customers who ask stupid questions.
"Oh, those are called spiders. We put them around our products to deter stealing." I answer.
"Why would you want to do that?" He replied.
Yes, why would we want to do that? I can't imagine why, it's not like Derp-Mart is in business to make money or anything. If I ever open a store, I'm going to permit the slapping of customers who ask stupid questions.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Narcissism
I haven't run into this yet but I saw a training video where this happened so I'm going to assume that everything I saw happened at one point because if it hadn't Derp-Mart wouldn't have wasted money making a video training people to avoid it. You might think that customers of Derp-Mart are from the lower backside of society and you're right, they are. But they tend to be narcissists, as impossible as this may seem. You see, in this video a man walked into the store and came to a worker who was standing around buried in paperwork. After stopping for a fraction of a second, he soldiered on forward, shaking his head. At first I thought he was saying "This poor bitch, doing all this work for so little money" but then he shook his head again a short time later when a worker walked out of an aisle, pulling a large cart of products. He then turns to the camera and says that he spends a lot of money at Derp-Mart and he wants to be appreciated. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know God visited Derp-Mart. Forgive me, O' Omniscient One. Next time I'll cup your balls. And I'll be sure to bring my knee pads so I can stay down longer. Maybe we can meet each other half way. You have an ego that needs stroking and I have a hand that needs to be oiled with cash before it can work.
New Policy: Self-Control
I won't make a habit of so many new rules, since I imagine you customers have a hard time learning (you are shopping at Derp-Mart for once.) but we really need to do away with the layaways. The process of putting one product, and this includes any products from your $1000 to your stupid $25 gift, is just too tedious. We spend far too much time getting your gift registered into trailers (yes, huge trailers that can house illegal aliens and probably do for all seasons aside from Christmas). And all this work is useless in the age of credit, since you can just put it on credit and pay it off. Ok, yes, interest, you're too smart to pay those clowns extra money. Well here's a novel idea, why don't you try saving up? It's like layaway but you're just putting your money into a pillow case (or piggy bank if you want to be fancy) as opposed to driving down to Derp-Mart to pay your bill. And with the money you save not driving, you can put towards buying what you wanted. See, I'm saving you money already. You can thank me by not putting things on layaway and, if possible, not talking to me.
New Policy: Patience
Ok, I know how much you customers hate rule since bossing around Derp-Mart workers is the only time you'll have any modicum of power outside of raising children (which, given your intelligence level, should really be taken away ) but this rule needs to be made. If you're going to ask me to check in the back to see if we have an item you're obligated to wait until I get back before leaving. Yes, I know you think I forgot about you but I'm required to check for things you ask for, even if I think we don't have it. And IT TAKES TIME! It's just on the other side of the wall. Well, it is. But it's behind a cage that's locked and only ONE person has the key, one busy person. So, as you can tell, it will take some time to just check, much less get it for you. Seriously, after spending 15 minutes checking to see if the thing you want is there or not, at least be here for my reply. Who knows, I might have it. And then you can make me do more work in order to sell it to you and I know you get off on making me work harder than I need to.
Recession? What Recession?
“Hey, you sold me the wrong one!” Oh crap, here we go. “You
sold me a wireless headset” The mother said. “My son wanted a wired one.” The
only thing she said was that he didn’t want the $160 one because he already had
that one. “I’m so sorry,” I replied. “Lets get your son that $80 headset that
isn’t wireless.” Because you haven’t spent enough money on him yet. Seriously,
$240 on xbox live headsets so her stupid over-indulged son, who didn’t even
have the balls to come to the store himself, can talk to people who don’t want
to talk to him back. Recession? What Recession?
Monday, September 24, 2012
Jewish Stereotype
Stereotypes exist for a reason and it was certainly proven true to me yesterday. Or, at least the Jewish one was (that they're cheap frugal, not that they have big noses though that was true too.).
This elderly Jewish couple came in yesterday ("How did you know they were Jewish?" who else would be so stingy with money? Chinese?) to complain. The man picked out a movie from the $5 bin and was outraged at discovering that it was mistakenly placed there (most likely by a customer since those douches never put things back in the right place.) What was the actual price of the movie? Surely it must've been $20 or at least $15, right? Nope, it was an outrageous price of $7.50. How dare we try and rip off the elderly with such an expensive movie?! (Seriously, it's a measly $2.50 extra. There are things at McDonald's that are more expensive.) I guess he wanted that extra $2.5 more than he wanted the movie.
So, lest you think he came all the way back just to complain (though I'm certain some customers actually do that, since they clearly have nothing better to do than waste my time), they went on to complain about our TV prices. "These TVs cost a lot more here than they do at K-Mart!" (I guess they assumed that since both stores end in Mart, they must obviously be owned by the same person, right? "And why don't you carry more TVs with DVD players built into them?" I don't know, probably because they give away players for free in cereal boxes at this point? Who is jonesing for a DVD player at this point? We had two extra ones just lying around back in my old place and that's not even counting all the computers and video games systems. There were more DVD players than there were people and TVs to use them! A wiser man than I (and certainly one that would risk losing their job talking back to the customers) would've pointed out that if they felt adventurous enough, they could go dumpster diving just about anywhere and find one or maybe even ask around. I bet there's plenty of people who are willing to give your their extra ones as long as you pick it up.
Well, we tried to help them. We checked our back just in case we had any in stock (we didn't). Instead of thanking us for spending 15 minutes helping them (and listening to them complain) they instead turned around to the other customers shopping for TVs and informed them to not buy with us but instead go to K-Mart. Which is all fine and dandy by me, we don't get commission on the stuff we sell and getting those TVs for you is a far bigger hassle than you think. By all means, go else where, and never come back. And be sure to tell your friends.
This elderly Jewish couple came in yesterday ("How did you know they were Jewish?" who else would be so stingy with money? Chinese?) to complain. The man picked out a movie from the $5 bin and was outraged at discovering that it was mistakenly placed there (most likely by a customer since those douches never put things back in the right place.) What was the actual price of the movie? Surely it must've been $20 or at least $15, right? Nope, it was an outrageous price of $7.50. How dare we try and rip off the elderly with such an expensive movie?! (Seriously, it's a measly $2.50 extra. There are things at McDonald's that are more expensive.) I guess he wanted that extra $2.5 more than he wanted the movie.
So, lest you think he came all the way back just to complain (though I'm certain some customers actually do that, since they clearly have nothing better to do than waste my time), they went on to complain about our TV prices. "These TVs cost a lot more here than they do at K-Mart!" (I guess they assumed that since both stores end in Mart, they must obviously be owned by the same person, right? "And why don't you carry more TVs with DVD players built into them?" I don't know, probably because they give away players for free in cereal boxes at this point? Who is jonesing for a DVD player at this point? We had two extra ones just lying around back in my old place and that's not even counting all the computers and video games systems. There were more DVD players than there were people and TVs to use them! A wiser man than I (and certainly one that would risk losing their job talking back to the customers) would've pointed out that if they felt adventurous enough, they could go dumpster diving just about anywhere and find one or maybe even ask around. I bet there's plenty of people who are willing to give your their extra ones as long as you pick it up.
Well, we tried to help them. We checked our back just in case we had any in stock (we didn't). Instead of thanking us for spending 15 minutes helping them (and listening to them complain) they instead turned around to the other customers shopping for TVs and informed them to not buy with us but instead go to K-Mart. Which is all fine and dandy by me, we don't get commission on the stuff we sell and getting those TVs for you is a far bigger hassle than you think. By all means, go else where, and never come back. And be sure to tell your friends.
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