"Do you guys have the 2013 version of this anti-virus software?" A customer asked while holding our product.
"That is the 2013 version."
"No it isn't. It has the 2012 copyright on the back."
What? Do you think antiviral software companies comes back in time to give us protection for future viruses? If you believe that, then those companies really need to go back in time and give your parents protection.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Then I Can Create A Time Machine
"Excuse me," A little kid interrupted my busy schedule "Your video game system is off and I want to play."
"It's broken."
"Can you fix it."
Sure can. Let me just grab some spare parts and now I can finally put that computer engineering degree I spent $75,000 on to good use. And after that, I can cure cancer and make sustainable energy affordable and clean.
"It's broken."
"Can you fix it."
Sure can. Let me just grab some spare parts and now I can finally put that computer engineering degree I spent $75,000 on to good use. And after that, I can cure cancer and make sustainable energy affordable and clean.
Duh
"Do you guys have Just Dance 4 in stock for the wii?"
"Nope, we're all sold out."
"Can you call all the Derp-Marts within 20 miles to see if they have it in stock?"
"I could or you can just go to the Gamestop on the corner and just grab it there. Save yourself gas and time."
"Oh, good point. I didn't think of that."
He didn't think but he gets paid more than me. And they said educated people make more. Bull$#@!
Don't Hate Me Because You're Stupid
"I'm so mad at you guys!" a female walrus said. Oh great. What did/didn't we do this time? "I need to pay my phone bill. It's $40 but you guys only have $50 cards. I came all the way over here for nothing."
Wait, is she mad at us because she didn't realize that the money you don't spend can be used next month? I guess she'll just have to drive all over town to find this mythical $40 phone card, wasting all that gas just to save a few bucks. A true Derp-Mart super saver.
Wait, is she mad at us because she didn't realize that the money you don't spend can be used next month? I guess she'll just have to drive all over town to find this mythical $40 phone card, wasting all that gas just to save a few bucks. A true Derp-Mart super saver.
Oh, It's A Brand.
"I'm looking for a virgin." A creepy man said as he approached me. Sure thing, buddy. Just let me grab my phone real quick, get some people in blue to help you out. "It's a company that makes broadband." Oh. That makes a little more sense, but only a little.
"We don't have that brand in stock. We only have Netgear, Belkin and Motorola." I tell him.
"How can you not have any virgins in stock? I want to talk to your manager."
I regret not sticking around to see the look on the manager's face when he asked for a virgin.
"We don't have that brand in stock. We only have Netgear, Belkin and Motorola." I tell him.
"How can you not have any virgins in stock? I want to talk to your manager."
I regret not sticking around to see the look on the manager's face when he asked for a virgin.
Does This Make Me A "Brother"?
"What's up, mah nigger?" An African American customer greeted me.
I wasn't sure how to reply to this. Does this make me part of the Black People Club (BPC)? Does this mean I'm allowed to use their word now? It's probably smarter to not give me that race card because I'd never stop using it. I'd use it on the job (duh), at the store, at the bank, at the drive through, on a date, whatever. This is why companies don't trust me with credit cards.
I wasn't sure how to reply to this. Does this make me part of the Black People Club (BPC)? Does this mean I'm allowed to use their word now? It's probably smarter to not give me that race card because I'd never stop using it. I'd use it on the job (duh), at the store, at the bank, at the drive through, on a date, whatever. This is why companies don't trust me with credit cards.
Overly Attached
First they're attached to me (who can blame them, what with my friendly demeanor) and then their empty carts and now doors. An old lady waited to exit our building, since there was a large group (of which I was a part of) entering. But she seemed oblivious to the fact that a mere two feet to her right were the doors marked for exiting, completely free of traffic. Maybe this old lady is an anarchist (we tend to get a lot of those, what with people putting $#@! back where it doesn't belong). " *&$# your rules, Derpmart! I decide what an entrance and exit is, @#$%*!"
Sunday, October 28, 2012
How Stupid Do You...
"I have a coupon for this wi-fi DVD player but I can't find it."
"Whats the manufacturer of the DVD?"
"I can't read it too well. Digi-something."
"We don't carry any of their DVD players."
"How can you put out a coupon for a DVD player you don't have?!"
"Are you sure it's for this Derp-Mart?"
"How stupid do you think...oh wait, it's for Derp-Buy. Sorry about that."
The answer, in case any of you were wondering, is Very. Very stupid.
"Whats the manufacturer of the DVD?"
"I can't read it too well. Digi-something."
"We don't carry any of their DVD players."
"How can you put out a coupon for a DVD player you don't have?!"
"Are you sure it's for this Derp-Mart?"
"How stupid do you think...oh wait, it's for Derp-Buy. Sorry about that."
The answer, in case any of you were wondering, is Very. Very stupid.
It's True
"Is this new Tinkerbell movie any good?" An older man asked me. "I'm looking to buy a movie for my daughter."
Uh huh, sure.
"I haven't seen it but if I had to make a bet I'd say that it probably isn't. I mean, Disney hasn't made a good movie since they criminalized weed.”
Uh huh, sure.
"I haven't seen it but if I had to make a bet I'd say that it probably isn't. I mean, Disney hasn't made a good movie since they criminalized weed.”
And, before one of you mentions The Avengers, let me just say
that it was Joss Whedon who made that movie (along with the writers). All
Disney did was soak up the cash and pass out
in a bucket of cocaine.
?_?
"I'm looking for a TV LAN adapter.
"Unfortunately, we don't have those in stock. You can always try Fry's."
"All the way over there?!"
"It's only a few minutes away."
"You must be Mexican."
I don't even know what that means.
"Unfortunately, we don't have those in stock. You can always try Fry's."
"All the way over there?!"
"It's only a few minutes away."
"You must be Mexican."
I don't even know what that means.
Number of *&$# Given Reading 0, Captain
"I'm looking for the [some children's show I can't remember]." A lady and her son said to me. "My son is looking for the one that comes with a hat."
"We don't have that in stock. The only one we do have is the Madagascar 3 boxset with the wig."
"How can you not have it? It just came out?"
"When?"
"About a month ago." Since when is that...oh never mind. "All his friends have those hats and if he doesn't get one he'll be left out. "
"We don't have that in stock. The only one we do have is the Madagascar 3 boxset with the wig."
"How can you not have it? It just came out?"
"When?"
"About a month ago." Since when is that...oh never mind. "All his friends have those hats and if he doesn't get one he'll be left out. "
Thursday, October 25, 2012
New Policy: >20 Items = Death
Anyone who brings more than 20 items to the 20 items or less line (Especially if they say "It's just 2x items, really not that much more than 20) gets dropped through a trapped door into a den filled with 21 hungry lions. Then, as they're being mauled to death, we'll yell back "You're right, adding more than 20 lions was negligible."
If We Rewarded Annoyance, Derp-Mart Would Be Bankrupt Tomorrow
"This MP3 player I bought from you guys back in May broke." A woman told me, showing me her player, only half the screen was displaying.
"Well, that sucks." I reply back.
"I need to get it replace so I can continue listening to my music."
"Yes, you do."
"I have your replacement policy." She handed over our replacement policy pamphlet. "So, can I get it replaced?"
"Yes, all you have to do is follow the instructions in the pamphlet." I told her.
"Wait, I don't get it from you?"
"Nope. See, you call this number here in the pamphlet, Derp-Mart sends you a box and you'll get it replaced."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"Really?"
"Yes."
She turns away and begins walking away but stops and comes back to me just when I thought I was rid of her.
"Really?"
You caught me. I was just messing with you. We give free replacements to people who annoy us too much.
"Well, that sucks." I reply back.
"I need to get it replace so I can continue listening to my music."
"Yes, you do."
"I have your replacement policy." She handed over our replacement policy pamphlet. "So, can I get it replaced?"
"Yes, all you have to do is follow the instructions in the pamphlet." I told her.
"Wait, I don't get it from you?"
"Nope. See, you call this number here in the pamphlet, Derp-Mart sends you a box and you'll get it replaced."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"Really?"
"Yes."
She turns away and begins walking away but stops and comes back to me just when I thought I was rid of her.
"Really?"
You caught me. I was just messing with you. We give free replacements to people who annoy us too much.
It's Whistle While You Work, Not While You Shop
*Whistle* I hear as I'm putting away DVDs. Maybe someone bought a bird from our pet section, which would've given me cause for pause if I knew at the time that we didn't sell pets. "Hey, you!" I hear. A customer a ways down the aisle waves at me to come over to him. You know, when I need something from someone, I go to them, not whistle to them to come to me. Whistling doesn't even get my attention. I just assume you're whistling for your pig, or as society calls her, your wife.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
With People Like Him Running The World, No Wonder Everything Sucks
"My new memory card doesn't work." A somewhat foreign man complained. He handed me his camera and after doing some awesome detective work that's worth more than the pennies I earn, we discover that the problem is that his camera is far too old to work with anything above a 2gb memory card. So I tell him that his 4gb card wouldn't work and he would have to purchase one that held 2gb or less.
"No, I don't." He shot back at me. "I've got a 512gb card right here." he showed me his older card which clearly stated 512mb.
"That's a 512mb card. It works because it's less than 2gb."
"That doesn't make any sense. How is 512 less than 2?"
If I hurt him, will the courts consider this justifiable assault?
"No, I don't." He shot back at me. "I've got a 512gb card right here." he showed me his older card which clearly stated 512mb.
"That's a 512mb card. It works because it's less than 2gb."
"That doesn't make any sense. How is 512 less than 2?"
If I hurt him, will the courts consider this justifiable assault?
She Has Two Lefts
"I'm looking for some HDMI cables for my TV."
I lead her over to our TV accessories aisle. "In the middle of the aisle on your left." I tell her and start walking away.
"I don't see it." She calls out to me a few moments later. "I just see DVD players."
"Your other left, ma'am." I say back to her.
"Oh, there it is. Thanks."
I lead her over to our TV accessories aisle. "In the middle of the aisle on your left." I tell her and start walking away.
"I don't see it." She calls out to me a few moments later. "I just see DVD players."
"Your other left, ma'am." I say back to her.
"Oh, there it is. Thanks."
A Shame She Wasn't Stranded In The Desert
"I'm looking for some batteries for my car lock." A woman came up to me with a worried look on her face. "They ran out and now I can't open my car."
"Why don't you just use your keys?" I asked.
"I leave my keys at home. I didn't think I'd need them, what with the automatic locks on my keychain."
ಠ_à²
"Why don't you just use your keys?" I asked.
"I leave my keys at home. I didn't think I'd need them, what with the automatic locks on my keychain."
ಠ_à²
I Think She Needs A Few Happy Feet Kicks To The Head
"I'm looking for Happy Feet 2." A mother told me.
I led her over to our family section and pulled out a copy of Happy Feet 2.
"Oh no, this is the DVD. I need the video game for the wii."
And how was I supposed to know that? What am I a mind reader?
I led her over to our family section and pulled out a copy of Happy Feet 2.
"Oh no, this is the DVD. I need the video game for the wii."
And how was I supposed to know that? What am I a mind reader?
No TV For Old Men
"What's the difference between these two television sets?" a pair of elderly gents asked me.
"Ones a 3D TV and the other is an LED."
"Lets take the 3D TV." The taller one said to the shorter bald man.
"No, I hate 3D."
"But you can always turn it off if you want. I'd like to have the option."
"I don't want to go flippin through the menus just to turn something off I don't want. I just want a regular tv."
As I'm quietly trying to slip away, the taller one called out to me. "Do you guys deliver?"
"We don't, unfortunately."
"Well, we live out of state." Why are you TV shopping if you're not even from around here? It's not like our prices are different from other Derp-Marts. "So if you don't deliver, we'll just have to carry it in our car."
"We'll take the LED one." The shorter one said.
I ran back into our stock room to grab the TV they wanted, leaving them alone for no longer than 5 minutes, and carry out the LED TV they so desired and fought over.
"We don't want that one anymore. We found a cheaper TV that interests us." *&$!# "Do you guys give senior discounts?"
"I'm sorry but we don't."
"Why not?" The younger snapped at me.
"Don't pester him with questions. It's probably company policy and he has no control over."
"We deserve the discount!"
I grabbed the TV and carried it to the back before one of them tried to drag me into their argument. I found the new TV they wanted and carried it out to the floor.
"We changed our mind again. This fellow in orange educated us about LED TVs and now we want one after all."
Where's a shovel when you need one? I need to free up some Medicare and Social Security dollars for America!
"Ones a 3D TV and the other is an LED."
"Lets take the 3D TV." The taller one said to the shorter bald man.
"No, I hate 3D."
"But you can always turn it off if you want. I'd like to have the option."
"I don't want to go flippin through the menus just to turn something off I don't want. I just want a regular tv."
As I'm quietly trying to slip away, the taller one called out to me. "Do you guys deliver?"
"We don't, unfortunately."
"Well, we live out of state." Why are you TV shopping if you're not even from around here? It's not like our prices are different from other Derp-Marts. "So if you don't deliver, we'll just have to carry it in our car."
"We'll take the LED one." The shorter one said.
I ran back into our stock room to grab the TV they wanted, leaving them alone for no longer than 5 minutes, and carry out the LED TV they so desired and fought over.
"We don't want that one anymore. We found a cheaper TV that interests us." *&$!# "Do you guys give senior discounts?"
"I'm sorry but we don't."
"Why not?" The younger snapped at me.
"Don't pester him with questions. It's probably company policy and he has no control over."
"We deserve the discount!"
I grabbed the TV and carried it to the back before one of them tried to drag me into their argument. I found the new TV they wanted and carried it out to the floor.
"We changed our mind again. This fellow in orange educated us about LED TVs and now we want one after all."
Where's a shovel when you need one? I need to free up some Medicare and Social Security dollars for America!
She Needs A GPS Just To Find A GPS
"I'm looking for this particular GPS." A woman tells me while pointing to an empty slot on our shelf.
"We're out of stock of that particular GPS." I inform her.
"When are you expecting to get more in?"
"The company is phasing out that model, so we won't be getting any more in stock."
"If I give you my number, can you call me when you get more in stock?"
It's like talking to a brick wall at times. Worse even because at least the brick wall doesn't question my intelligence.
"We're out of stock of that particular GPS." I inform her.
"When are you expecting to get more in?"
"The company is phasing out that model, so we won't be getting any more in stock."
"If I give you my number, can you call me when you get more in stock?"
It's like talking to a brick wall at times. Worse even because at least the brick wall doesn't question my intelligence.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Guess I Don't Need To Carry That Crucifix Around Anymore
"Abraham Lincoln Vampire Killer is dumb." the customer next to me said. I wasn't sure if he was talking to me or not, but he must've because he turned to me and continued. "It's the worst movie ever."
"Oh yeah?" I replied, clearly busy restocking movies that people left out.
"Yeah. I mean, I never saw it but a friend did." It's the worst movie he's never seen, if that makes any sense. "I mean, it's stupid. Abraham Lincoln wasn't a vampire killer." No way! All this time I thought it was a documentary. I've been lied to. "Vampires aren't even real, for crying out loud." They're not?! You mean I've been using garlic soap and shampoo all this time for nothing?!
"Oh yeah?" I replied, clearly busy restocking movies that people left out.
"Yeah. I mean, I never saw it but a friend did." It's the worst movie he's never seen, if that makes any sense. "I mean, it's stupid. Abraham Lincoln wasn't a vampire killer." No way! All this time I thought it was a documentary. I've been lied to. "Vampires aren't even real, for crying out loud." They're not?! You mean I've been using garlic soap and shampoo all this time for nothing?!
Do You Understand The Words That Are Coming Out Of My Mouf?!
"I look for gps." A....something woman asked me in broken English.
"Right behind you." I told her while pointing to the products.
"Oh. How much?"
"Depends on the model. The price labels are above the product."
"No, no. How much?" She asked again.
"The prices are above the products." I repeated, walking over to the gps section and pointed to the labels.
"No, how much?" She asked a 3rd time.
"Right behind you." I told her while pointing to the products.
"Oh. How much?"
"Depends on the model. The price labels are above the product."
"No, no. How much?" She asked again.
"The prices are above the products." I repeated, walking over to the gps section and pointed to the labels.
"No, how much?" She asked a 3rd time.
Where Does The Stupidity Come From?!
"I was just at the photo computer and my pictures didn't come out." One female customer complained. (Don't ask me why they tend to be female or accuse me of sexism for stating so. That's just the way the cookie crumbles where I'm at.)
"How long ago did you set your pictures to print?" I asked.
"About 5 minutes ago."
"So you went to our 1 hour photo kiosk 5 minutes ago?"
"Oh, you need to wait for an hour?"
What do you think the 1 hour banner stands for?! Did you think you were some unknown savant for getting things done in 5 minutes as opposed to 60?
"How long ago did you set your pictures to print?" I asked.
"About 5 minutes ago."
"So you went to our 1 hour photo kiosk 5 minutes ago?"
"Oh, you need to wait for an hour?"
What do you think the 1 hour banner stands for?! Did you think you were some unknown savant for getting things done in 5 minutes as opposed to 60?
No Brain, No Photos
"Excuse me," An Asian lady pleaded with me "I selected some photos to print on your computer but no receipt came out."
I had her walk me over to the photo kiosk she was using. The on screen instructions said to remove storage media so I pulled out her memory card, which caused the receipt to be printed. Turn over your Asian Card, lady. You are clearly a faker.
I had her walk me over to the photo kiosk she was using. The on screen instructions said to remove storage media so I pulled out her memory card, which caused the receipt to be printed. Turn over your Asian Card, lady. You are clearly a faker.
Her Brain Cells Must Be Out Of Stock
"You guys must run out of gadgets constantly." A customer remarked.
"Every once in a while." I reply.
"I can't imagine why you only keep one of each item in stock."
"Huh?"
"Over at the front. You only have one of each item out."
"Those are display models. We keep our stock in the cabinets under them."
"Oh, ok. My way of thinking was stupid.
Yeah, but nowhere near the bottom of the barrel oddly enough.
"Every once in a while." I reply.
"I can't imagine why you only keep one of each item in stock."
"Huh?"
"Over at the front. You only have one of each item out."
"Those are display models. We keep our stock in the cabinets under them."
"Oh, ok. My way of thinking was stupid.
Yeah, but nowhere near the bottom of the barrel oddly enough.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
On Second Thought, I Don't Want To Know
There's a McDerp located in our Derp-Mart. Fitting isn't it. But since we share the same customers, anything stupid that happens there can go here. For some reason, one of the customers had a cart with them while they were eating, placing their cart right in the middle of the aisle, blocking traffic because *&$# other people. I can understand if this cart had important items that were just purchased in them but it didn't. This cart was completely empty, there weren't even any personal items on them. So why bother holding onto it? Did you form an emotional connection with this cart and now you just can't bear to let it go? Are you planning on taking it home with you? What are you going to do with that cart?
Pet Peeve
One of my pet peeves is people putting things back in the wrong place. I just saw someone *&%$ it up royally today. She was talking on the phone, looking for The Silence of the Lambs. We only had it on a dual pack she said to whoever she was talking to on the phone after picking up the DVD. whoever she was talking to didn't want it so she put it back in the wrong place. I can understand if she took the last copy and forgot where she grabbed it from, but she didn't. there were plenty of double packs left and she put it in the empty slot next to it. What goes through a person's mind when they do this? Hmm, I could put this back where it belongs but I'm an anarchist and a rebel so *&$# it, I'm messing up the order.
This wasn't the only person today. A kid grabbed a book from our discount book bin and showed his mother. However, god forbid she be bothered to put it back in the bin, just a few feet away from her, instead opting to stick the children's book on our Halloween Horror Movie Display.
In Training we were told that Derp-Mart has the best customers in the world (and that was said with a straight face without sarcasm). But they had it dead wrong. If you want to see the class of society just above crack addict, go to Target. For everyone else, go to Derpmart.
This wasn't the only person today. A kid grabbed a book from our discount book bin and showed his mother. However, god forbid she be bothered to put it back in the bin, just a few feet away from her, instead opting to stick the children's book on our Halloween Horror Movie Display.
In Training we were told that Derp-Mart has the best customers in the world (and that was said with a straight face without sarcasm). But they had it dead wrong. If you want to see the class of society just above crack addict, go to Target. For everyone else, go to Derpmart.
I Caught A Predator
"Excuse me, do you have special Skylanders toys you haven't put on display? I'm trying to buy them all." said a man who should've stopped playing with toys about 40 years back. Is there an amber alert that warns people of pedophiles? Where's Chris Hansen when you need him?
Personal *&$%$in Hygiene
There's a sign in the bathroom. You know, the one that tells all the workers to wash their hands after using the bathroom. Why doesn't that sign tell everyone to wash their hands? If I wash my hands but captain *&%$face doesn't, when I touch that door I'm going to get whatever herpes he has on my hands. What it should say is "Wash your dirty $#@! you sick *&%$
Why Are The Loud Ones So Stupid?
"This is ridiculous!" Two older couples complained so loud that people on the International Space Station could hear. "No one will hep us!"
Yeah, stand around looking at stuff like you're browsing. That definitely looks like you need help. Well, time for me to swoop in and save the day, right?
"How can I help you?" I ask.
"What's the difference between the ipad 1 and 2?"
Really? This is the big important question that they needed answered?
"The hardware. The ipad 2 has better specs."
"Ok, and the different ones are 16, 32 and 64gb. Are those all the same price?"
Yes, they are. But, for some odd reason, we can only manage to sell the 64gb models. Who would've guessed that no one would want to pay more money for less space.
Yeah, stand around looking at stuff like you're browsing. That definitely looks like you need help. Well, time for me to swoop in and save the day, right?
"How can I help you?" I ask.
"What's the difference between the ipad 1 and 2?"
Really? This is the big important question that they needed answered?
"The hardware. The ipad 2 has better specs."
"Ok, and the different ones are 16, 32 and 64gb. Are those all the same price?"
Yes, they are. But, for some odd reason, we can only manage to sell the 64gb models. Who would've guessed that no one would want to pay more money for less space.
Why Would I Expect Them To Do Math? It's A Miracle They Can Even Breathe.
"Is $6 enough to put these items on layaway?" an elderly couple asks me, dropping 5 identical items on the desk.
"You need to put 10% down. Are these items over $60?"
"We don't know." They reply.
So, I rang them up. Each item was $25 a piece, totaling $125. And these people couldn't figure out what if what they were buying cost $60. WTF is wrong with these customers? Do they shop intoxicated?
"You need to put 10% down. Are these items over $60?"
"We don't know." They reply.
So, I rang them up. Each item was $25 a piece, totaling $125. And these people couldn't figure out what if what they were buying cost $60. WTF is wrong with these customers? Do they shop intoxicated?
The Wheels On The Cart Go Round And Round
This one's probably only going to be funny for me but I've heard stories like this on the internet but this is the first time I've seen it in person. A mother-daughter pair came in today, one no older than 40 the other 16. They came riding up to me on those electric carts that are supposed to be used by the disabled but the fatties tend to have a monopoly on them for some reason. When did being fat become a disability and how can I cash in on this?
"Do you have Thor on DVD?" The daughter asked me.
"Not sure, we can check." I say.
I'm not sure what the protocol is for these types of situations are. Do I walk ahead and wait for their snail carts to catch up or do I show some solidarity and crawl along side them, possibly making chit chat about how technology is both a blessing for making us more productive but also a curse for making us lazy? I opted for the former and went ahead to the action section. We didn't have it. Now I have to wait for them to show up.
"We don't have it." I tell them as I see their carts oozing towards me.
"Oh no." the daughter says with a frown on her face.
"Move your cart forward." The mom says. "I want to see the price and you're blocking my path."
I casually excused myself to the back to get out the laughs that had built up inside me. Maybe I should've asked them if I could have a turn on the ride after they were done.
"Do you have Thor on DVD?" The daughter asked me.
"Not sure, we can check." I say.
I'm not sure what the protocol is for these types of situations are. Do I walk ahead and wait for their snail carts to catch up or do I show some solidarity and crawl along side them, possibly making chit chat about how technology is both a blessing for making us more productive but also a curse for making us lazy? I opted for the former and went ahead to the action section. We didn't have it. Now I have to wait for them to show up.
"We don't have it." I tell them as I see their carts oozing towards me.
"Oh no." the daughter says with a frown on her face.
"Move your cart forward." The mom says. "I want to see the price and you're blocking my path."
I casually excused myself to the back to get out the laughs that had built up inside me. Maybe I should've asked them if I could have a turn on the ride after they were done.
I Really Hope These People Don't Reproduce
"Excuse me, I'm looking to print some photos from my phone." A pretty young thing said to me.
"You can do that on our photo kiosks." I told her.
"I don't know where those are."
"It's the computers in the middle of the electronics section that say 1-hour photos. You walked past them to get to me."
Dumb@$$.
"You can do that on our photo kiosks." I told her.
"I don't know where those are."
"It's the computers in the middle of the electronics section that say 1-hour photos. You walked past them to get to me."
Dumb@$$.
We're Never Going To Get That Pizza Party
I'm not sure how other companies do this but Derp-Mart actually has incentives to remain accident free (and not suing the company or going on workmen's comp). If we go a certain number of days accident free, we get stuff. I don't remember all the prizes, I just know that the good ones are a pizza party at 15 days and then a bar-b-que at 30. Sounds easy enough, right? Well, those accident free days aren't just for employees, they're for customers too and, after reading everything I've wrote, you can tell that Haley's comet probably comes around more often than we get these parties. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to find out that we've had to saw some dude's arm off after he got it stuck in the crane game machine.
Maybe They Murdered Their Parents
"We're looking for a laptop for our grand kids." an older couple told me. "Nothing over $300."
Nothing over $300? Are they being punished for something? We're teaching you a lesson for breaking grandpa's teeth, kids. Here's a crappy laptop that'll struggle with even the menial tasks. Suffer you little $#@!
Nothing over $300? Are they being punished for something? We're teaching you a lesson for breaking grandpa's teeth, kids. Here's a crappy laptop that'll struggle with even the menial tasks. Suffer you little $#@!
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Can't I Get Some R&R When I'm Not Working Derp-Mart?!
I was at the exit of Derp-Mart enjoying a nice smoothie after a long day at work, or at least I was trying to. A mother of two decided to let her kids enjoy themselves on this motion ride. The only problem is that none of these machines have been used since the Reagan Administration, so they made this incredibly loud annoying sound that sounded like a bird was being strangled to death. At first I felt sorry for the mother because everyone stopped to look where that sound was coming from, even a few workers came from inside the store to check to make sure no animal abuse was going on. But then she got the genius idea of having her kids ride it a second time, since it wasn't quite annoying enough the first time around. I saw couple approach them with their adolescent. I thought they were going to ask her to shut the $#@! up but, nope, they wanted their turn at the ride. And it wasn't even a good ride, it just slowly moved back and forth. The kids didn't even crack a smile while on it, though I sure was close to cracking their heads.
Sweet Revenge
I found a bag of partially eaten grapes in the electronics section. Someone got a grape craving and figured, since they were already buying them, it was ok to start chomping down on them now. Except that once having their fill of the grapes, they had a change of heart, so they inconspicuously left the opened bag of grapes in our section. If I ever find this person,I'm going to enact some revenge on behalf of the grape farmers who lost business because of them. I'll show up at their house with a crowbar and say I'm interested in buying their teeth and then just start whacking away until I feel I've collected enough. After the bloodbath,I'll pick up their fallen teeth, look them in the eyes and say "Nah, I don't really want them anymore." and toss the bloodied teeth on their face. I'll leave the half-eaten bag of grapes on the floor next to them as a reminder of the sin they committed. I'll be sure to take a few bucks out of their wallet to pay for gas. Revenge doesn't pay for itself, you know.
Stupid Signs
I don't know why but back in the employees section of Derp-Mart there are signs all over the place saying various things. One sign I see daily says "Ask one of these associates how to reduce shrink." What's shrink,you ask? I'm not sure. The only shrink I know of happens to men in cold water and considering both associates I'm supposed to ask are female, I'm pretty sure that's not what Derp-Mart is talking about.
We Should Put Bratty Kids Up For Adoption, That'll Learn Em
"Do you think my 8 year old would like an Xbox 360 for Christmas?" A customer asked me. Again with the assumption that I'm omniscient. Though at $250, if he gets upset with that gift, you can always set him up for adoption. Now there's a surprise Christmas present he won't expect.
P.S. I type these stories into my ipod while at work before transferring them onto the computer when I get home. For some reason the auto-correct replaced xbox with chic, which I'm pretty sure Derp-Mart doesn't sell (but we really should look into it. I know I'd become a loyal customer.).
P.S. I type these stories into my ipod while at work before transferring them onto the computer when I get home. For some reason the auto-correct replaced xbox with chic, which I'm pretty sure Derp-Mart doesn't sell (but we really should look into it. I know I'd become a loyal customer.).
If Only Violence Was Tolerated
"Excuse me, do you have this TV in stock." a customer asked, handing me the place card.
"Let me check the back." I said. I took the card, ran to the back to the electronics cage which is almost always locked. So I ran over Manager Never-Smiles to see if he could open the cage for me. I waited by the cage for a minute for him, got in the cage and began looking for the TV. After a bit of looking I found it, but couldn't find a cart to take it out to the floor. Guess I'll just have to carry it. So I grabbed it by both sides and lifted it up and out onto the floor (it's a good thing I beat up customers off the clock, otherwise I would never be in good enough shape to do this).
"Oh, we found the TV on the floor." The customer told me. "I guess we should've looked to see if it wasn't already out here first, haha."
Yeah, lets see how much you laugh when I'm strangling you with the power cord.
"Let me check the back." I said. I took the card, ran to the back to the electronics cage which is almost always locked. So I ran over Manager Never-Smiles to see if he could open the cage for me. I waited by the cage for a minute for him, got in the cage and began looking for the TV. After a bit of looking I found it, but couldn't find a cart to take it out to the floor. Guess I'll just have to carry it. So I grabbed it by both sides and lifted it up and out onto the floor (it's a good thing I beat up customers off the clock, otherwise I would never be in good enough shape to do this).
"Oh, we found the TV on the floor." The customer told me. "I guess we should've looked to see if it wasn't already out here first, haha."
Yeah, lets see how much you laugh when I'm strangling you with the power cord.
After 99 Stupid Problems, It Was Nice To Have 1 Smart Problem
For my hundredth article, I gotta tip my hat to a genius customer (we actually got one). I don't know who it was, which is a shame because I really want to meet them, just to shake their hand and say how much I admire them. You see, this customer bought a 47in 3D Smart Vizio TV, one of our more expensive sets. But they returned it late at night,when no one checks our returned items. Instead of putting in the 47in TV, they put in their old crappy 32in Emerson TV and got the full refund on the 3D TV, making a profit of at least $500. That Magnificent Bastard.
Muffin Tops
Hey, sexy ladies! You don't need to pay attention to this one. Also foodies, this one isn't about actual muffins. I'm talking about the fat women (and it's always women for some reason) who wear shirts that are way too small for them, so their flab just oozes out from their midsection. Buy a new shirt that fits for Derp-Mart's sake! You're not fooling anyone by claiming to be a size 2. We can tell you're BSing us just by looking at you.
PDA
I never thought I'd encounter this situation but I've got to ask you couples to please keep the public displays of affection in Derp-Mart to a minimum (read: zero). Who gets horny at a Derp-Mart anyway?
"Oh honey, these low prices turn me on so much, I want you right here in the middle of this aisle!"
"Oh honey, these low prices turn me on so much, I want you right here in the middle of this aisle!"
Maybe His Son Would Like Barbie Horse Adventures
"I'm looking to buy a game for my son." A father said.
"Sure thing. What game do you want to purchase?"
"I don't know."
"Um, ok. What are your son's interests?"
"I was hoping you could help because I don't know what he likes."
And I do? Did God bestow upon me his omniscience and I've just been unaware of it?
"Sure thing. What game do you want to purchase?"
"I don't know."
"Um, ok. What are your son's interests?"
"I was hoping you could help because I don't know what he likes."
And I do? Did God bestow upon me his omniscience and I've just been unaware of it?
If Obama Promises To Get Rid of Stupid Derp-Mart Customers by 2016, He's Got My Vote
"I'm looking for 2016 Obama's America. It's a new documentary movie." An elderly customer told me.
How can a documentary be about events that haven't happened yet?
"We're all out of stock." I told her.
"Can you check the back."
I hate that question. I guess people have this idea that we have all these movies back in stock in neat boxes that we can just pull out whenever we need them. "We don't have any in stock anywhere in the store. What we had, we put out already." I told her.
"Aw, but I really wanted to see it."
"You can try looking in other stores that sells videos." I suggested.
"Do you know which stores have it in stock?
How the $#@! would I know which stores have it? Do you think I call all these stores every day just to discuss inventory?
How can a documentary be about events that haven't happened yet?
"We're all out of stock." I told her.
"Can you check the back."
I hate that question. I guess people have this idea that we have all these movies back in stock in neat boxes that we can just pull out whenever we need them. "We don't have any in stock anywhere in the store. What we had, we put out already." I told her.
"Aw, but I really wanted to see it."
"You can try looking in other stores that sells videos." I suggested.
"Do you know which stores have it in stock?
How the $#@! would I know which stores have it? Do you think I call all these stores every day just to discuss inventory?
Lazy-Way
"Why can't I put this on layaway?" A customer asked.
"Because it only costs $10. We have a minimum of $50."
"Why's that?"
"Why bother putting something that's only $10 on layaway? There's a $5 layaway fee you need to pay for. At that point, you can just put down another $5 and have you item now." Is what I said.What I should've said is: "Why not just go dumpster diving this afternoon for some extra quarters and buy it now, you hobo? What were you planning on doing, coming in every two weeks to put down a dollar on your purchase?"
"Because it only costs $10. We have a minimum of $50."
"Why's that?"
"Why bother putting something that's only $10 on layaway? There's a $5 layaway fee you need to pay for. At that point, you can just put down another $5 and have you item now." Is what I said.What I should've said is: "Why not just go dumpster diving this afternoon for some extra quarters and buy it now, you hobo? What were you planning on doing, coming in every two weeks to put down a dollar on your purchase?"
Maybe I Have My Own Fan-Club
I've heard of brand loyalty but never of employee loyalty. A customer asked me for some help, which I'm more than grateful to give (Even I'm not sure if that was supposed to be sarcastic or not). If they have no further questions I go back to what I was doing. But this one customer, an old man, somehow formed an emotional connection to me (a shame it wasn't a hot busty chick). A few minutes later, I saw him walk past two workers just to ask me another question and he did this twice! Buddy, I like you but only as a customer and only because I'm paid to.
Maybe She Was Due in Surgery in 10
"Excuse me, I'm looking for The Avengers on DVD." A woman with her small daughter asked me.
"The one that was just released?" I asked. She nodded, so now I know she's not talking about the cartoon series that also exists. "We have Avengers DVDs in our new releases section, at the end of aisles and, thanks to customers, scattered everywhere around the store."
"We saw them when we walked in, mommy." The little girl with the lady said.
"Yeah, but I can't be bothered to look for it."
Yes, let us workers pamper you. Want us to grab your groceries and feed you fruit while you sit and wait for us to do everything? God forbid you do any work yourself.
"The one that was just released?" I asked. She nodded, so now I know she's not talking about the cartoon series that also exists. "We have Avengers DVDs in our new releases section, at the end of aisles and, thanks to customers, scattered everywhere around the store."
"We saw them when we walked in, mommy." The little girl with the lady said.
"Yeah, but I can't be bothered to look for it."
Yes, let us workers pamper you. Want us to grab your groceries and feed you fruit while you sit and wait for us to do everything? God forbid you do any work yourself.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
*&$#!, I don't know your life!!
"Derp-Mart Electronics." I greeted, answering the phone.
"Hi, who is this?" I gave her my name which she got wrong the first time by an order of magnitude equal to calling your spouse your old ex's name. "Ok, I bought a TV from you guys and I am extremely dissatisfied with it."
"Ok, well you can return your TV for any reason within 15 days of purchase and we'll give you a full refund."
"I know that already. I'm calling because I don't know when I bought the TV. Can you tell me when I bought it?"
*&$#!, I don't know your life!! Derp-Mart workers aren't omniscient! If we were, we would be strangling you and getting away with it, not working here. Really, it's only by the grace of God you haven't died yet.
I Wonder If Pixie Fairies Can Fix Our Customers? Most Likely Not.
I know I've complained about not calling by name before and I'd just like to apologize to all those customers. You've just been 1-up or 1-downed depending on how you look at it.
"Hey....efffff?" The customer greeted, zooming his head closer to my name tag to get a look. I guess he wanted to show that he cared by putting some effort into saying my name but not enough to actually saying the whole thing. "What's the difference between the TVs? Why are there different prices for the 42in TVs?"
"Different manufactures have different ways of producing TVs and so they set them at whatever profitable price they think they can sell it at."
"That's it?"
"That's it."
"There must be some trick to it."
You caught us, customer dude. Wal-Mart doesn't have suppliers. We have magical pixie fairies in the back as slave labor. For pennies a day, they manufacture cheap knock off products of popular brands. We've got the Chinese beat and we did it without any human rights violations since pixie fairies aren't human (they're fairies.)
"Hey....efffff?" The customer greeted, zooming his head closer to my name tag to get a look. I guess he wanted to show that he cared by putting some effort into saying my name but not enough to actually saying the whole thing. "What's the difference between the TVs? Why are there different prices for the 42in TVs?"
"Different manufactures have different ways of producing TVs and so they set them at whatever profitable price they think they can sell it at."
"That's it?"
"That's it."
"There must be some trick to it."
You caught us, customer dude. Wal-Mart doesn't have suppliers. We have magical pixie fairies in the back as slave labor. For pennies a day, they manufacture cheap knock off products of popular brands. We've got the Chinese beat and we did it without any human rights violations since pixie fairies aren't human (they're fairies.)
I've Found a Sure-Fire Cure For Insomnia
"Excuse me, young man, can you help me find a home phone?" An elderly Asian woman asked me.
"Sure. They're right behind you." I said, pointing over her shoulder.
"Oh, thanks. My eyes must be going bad if I couldn't see that. Which phone do you think would look good in my kitchen?" Lady, I don't know your kitchen! How can I answer that? "Oh wow, these phones are so expensive. I saw them cheaper at Derp-Club. Maybe I should go there? Do you know which of these have good battery life? My last phone's battery died real fast." Am I contractually obligated to listen to her? "Do these have call waiting? I don't need call waiting. I already have a machine that does that. It's fine if it does, I just won't use it. How big are the dials on the phone? My old eyes aren't as good as they used to be."
Holy $#@! Listening to her is like taking a triple dose of Ambien.
"Sure. They're right behind you." I said, pointing over her shoulder.
"Oh, thanks. My eyes must be going bad if I couldn't see that. Which phone do you think would look good in my kitchen?" Lady, I don't know your kitchen! How can I answer that? "Oh wow, these phones are so expensive. I saw them cheaper at Derp-Club. Maybe I should go there? Do you know which of these have good battery life? My last phone's battery died real fast." Am I contractually obligated to listen to her? "Do these have call waiting? I don't need call waiting. I already have a machine that does that. It's fine if it does, I just won't use it. How big are the dials on the phone? My old eyes aren't as good as they used to be."
Holy $#@! Listening to her is like taking a triple dose of Ambien.
New Policy: Look First
I never thought I'd have to make this into a rule but, folks, before asking us where/if we have something, try looking for it first. I know you're way too busy, I mean you just got off work from the strip club and you need to grab that new Sesame Street DVD for your kids because they think you don't love them anymore. I mean, you always make time, once a week, to spend 15 minutes with them, you know between Bong Time and Getting Wasted Hour with boyfriend #32. But we're busy too, busy getting you guys stuff to buy. And when the product you're looking for is right next to you, it just makes you look like an idiot...well, more of one than you already look like.
Playing Politics
"I'm looking for a way to convert a digital signal back to analog." A customer asked. "Damn government forced everyone over to digital. This is all Obama's fault. All the more reason to vote for Romney."
Vote for Romney, he'll bring back analog.
Vote for Romney, he'll bring back analog.
The Lord of the Rings Theme Would Make Things More Epic
So, I was helping this customer with his purchase. He bought some furniture accessories from the adjacent department. It's a nice gesture we do for people, since these things can be quite heavy at times.
"My car is on the other side of the store." He said pointing to the opposite end of the store. When he said "other side of the store" what he should've specified which store for me because it turns out that he parked on the far end of Derp-Depot, which is two stores away. A journey that far away definitely deserves some epic music togo along with it, like the theme to The Lord of the Rings. I'll let your imagination picture a Derp-Mart worker carrying a large cart of furniture accessories with the music playing in the background.
"My car is on the other side of the store." He said pointing to the opposite end of the store. When he said "other side of the store" what he should've specified which store for me because it turns out that he parked on the far end of Derp-Depot, which is two stores away. A journey that far away definitely deserves some epic music togo along with it, like the theme to The Lord of the Rings. I'll let your imagination picture a Derp-Mart worker carrying a large cart of furniture accessories with the music playing in the background.
Do Customers Think We're Just BSing Them?
"Derp-Mart Electronics Department." I greet after picking up the phone.
"Yeah...hi...is this the electronics department?"
ಠ_à²
"Yeah...hi...is this the electronics department?"
ಠ_à²
They Never Warned Us About Death Threats
"HEY _____!" An older hispanic customer yelled at me while pointing to a camera. "You better have this camera in stock or I'm going to kill you."
It's greetings like those that keep me coming back to work with a smile on my face. Turns out we did have the one he wanted in stock. I guess I live to see another day.
P.S. Before you guys suggest that I should've called the police, I should mention that this guy was from Mexico (when he pulled out his card to pay for the purchase, he set his passport down). Maybe that's just the greeting they give people in retail down there, and who am I to $#@! on their wonderful, violent culture*?
*I'm only saying this in the hopes of getting a hot mexican/latino chick girlfriend. You know, the ones with big boobs that end up becoming weather women on TV here in the West Coast.
It's greetings like those that keep me coming back to work with a smile on my face. Turns out we did have the one he wanted in stock. I guess I live to see another day.
P.S. Before you guys suggest that I should've called the police, I should mention that this guy was from Mexico (when he pulled out his card to pay for the purchase, he set his passport down). Maybe that's just the greeting they give people in retail down there, and who am I to $#@! on their wonderful, violent culture*?
*I'm only saying this in the hopes of getting a hot mexican/latino chick girlfriend. You know, the ones with big boobs that end up becoming weather women on TV here in the West Coast.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
I Swear This Really Happened!!!
"Excuse me."
"Yeah?"
"Oh no, never mind." The customer said and walked away.
ok.
"Oh wait." He said and came back to me.
-_- "Yeah?"
"I have a 20 and a 10. How much is that?"
"$30."
"And another 5 is 34."
"$35"
"Maybe I should save my money?"
"You can do whatever you want."
"Is Avengers a good movie?"
"Yes."
"Should I spend my money on Avengers?"
What am I, your accountant?
"Yeah?"
"Oh no, never mind." The customer said and walked away.
ok.
"Oh wait." He said and came back to me.
-_- "Yeah?"
"I have a 20 and a 10. How much is that?"
"$30."
"And another 5 is 34."
"$35"
"Maybe I should save my money?"
"You can do whatever you want."
"Is Avengers a good movie?"
"Yes."
"Should I spend my money on Avengers?"
What am I, your accountant?
I'm Crying On The Inside
"Excuse me, what's the difference between the 8gb and 16gb ipod touches?" A customer asked.
"Just the space, it's the same hardware wise." I answered.
"So 8gb and 16gb. Is that a lot?"
I would've laughed at her but the sad trust is that this mother probably makes more money than I do. So I guess she should be laughing at me. "I may not know much." I can hear her telling me "But at least I make more than $8.85. Ha, and you went to college too? You loser!"
"Just the space, it's the same hardware wise." I answered.
"So 8gb and 16gb. Is that a lot?"
I would've laughed at her but the sad trust is that this mother probably makes more money than I do. So I guess she should be laughing at me. "I may not know much." I can hear her telling me "But at least I make more than $8.85. Ha, and you went to college too? You loser!"
Cashier Experience
I hate cashiering. Is that even a verb? If not, we're making it one. It's so boring. I just stand and scan. Worse is when someone wants to pay with cash or a check. A check, who even shops with that? It's more annoying than amusing. At least stupid customers amuse me and reaffirm my belief that forced sterilization is the right path forward for us as a human race. But, once in a blue moon,we get someone so stupid, you just want to beat them before they can hurt anyone else.
A guy comes up, wants to make 3 separate purchases in cash.I have no idea why but it just makes things take longer and when there's a line, no one's happy. So I ring each purchase up (there was only one item in each purchase, which I'm sure frustrated at least one other person besides me), take his cash, give him his change and give him his receipt. For some weird reason, he decides to put his 3rd receipt in the bag. Then he turns to me and asks where the receipt it.
"Right there in your bag." I grab the receipt out of his bag, show it to him, then put it back. "You put it there."
"I didn't put it there." He said, completely oblivious to the fact that he did.
Of course you didn't. It magically appeared there. So, he left and I continued checking out people out. Then he comes back after 5 minutes and say that I didn't give him the receipt, despite the fact that he not only saw me put it back in his bag but he also made it out the door with it. I told him that if he wanted another receipt, he'd need to go to customer service to rectify the situation because our registers don't store receipts. So he goes and comes back with the customer service worker.
"This man says you didn't give him his receipt." The worker told me.
"I did give it to him. I handed it to him, he put it in his bag without realizing it. I showed it to him when he asked where it was."
"Ok, just be sure to give receipts back to people." The worker said after searching my work area for a receipt that wasn't there. Of course this is all my fault. My bad. I clearly should've noticed that this man couldn't handle something as simple as a receipt. Next time I'll be sure to walk him to his car, cradle his balls if he asks, and be sure to call child services so that his kids can be raised by parents that are smarter and more sophisticated, like wild wolves.
A guy comes up, wants to make 3 separate purchases in cash.I have no idea why but it just makes things take longer and when there's a line, no one's happy. So I ring each purchase up (there was only one item in each purchase, which I'm sure frustrated at least one other person besides me), take his cash, give him his change and give him his receipt. For some weird reason, he decides to put his 3rd receipt in the bag. Then he turns to me and asks where the receipt it.
"Right there in your bag." I grab the receipt out of his bag, show it to him, then put it back. "You put it there."
"I didn't put it there." He said, completely oblivious to the fact that he did.
Of course you didn't. It magically appeared there. So, he left and I continued checking out people out. Then he comes back after 5 minutes and say that I didn't give him the receipt, despite the fact that he not only saw me put it back in his bag but he also made it out the door with it. I told him that if he wanted another receipt, he'd need to go to customer service to rectify the situation because our registers don't store receipts. So he goes and comes back with the customer service worker.
"This man says you didn't give him his receipt." The worker told me.
"I did give it to him. I handed it to him, he put it in his bag without realizing it. I showed it to him when he asked where it was."
"Ok, just be sure to give receipts back to people." The worker said after searching my work area for a receipt that wasn't there. Of course this is all my fault. My bad. I clearly should've noticed that this man couldn't handle something as simple as a receipt. Next time I'll be sure to walk him to his car, cradle his balls if he asks, and be sure to call child services so that his kids can be raised by parents that are smarter and more sophisticated, like wild wolves.
Derp-Mart Rewards Work With More Work
So, I'm carrying a boatload of movies to put back in their places because customers just love leaving things everywhere to giving me more work to do (they're so nice).
"Here, let me take those." The customer service manager said to me.
"Oh, thank you so much dude." I said, giving him half the pile. He grabbed the entire pile out of my hand, which I thought was a good gesture.
"I'll leave this over here, you go up to the front and cashier." He ordered. What the $#@! ever happened to saying please and thank you? If you want me to help you, at least have some common courtesy, especially since you're not my boss. "And then when you're done up there, you can come back here and continue working."
Right, as if we weren't quite busy enough in electronics on a Sunday Does he think that multiplying work with more work will negate each other out?
"Here, let me take those." The customer service manager said to me.
"Oh, thank you so much dude." I said, giving him half the pile. He grabbed the entire pile out of my hand, which I thought was a good gesture.
"I'll leave this over here, you go up to the front and cashier." He ordered. What the $#@! ever happened to saying please and thank you? If you want me to help you, at least have some common courtesy, especially since you're not my boss. "And then when you're done up there, you can come back here and continue working."
Right, as if we weren't quite busy enough in electronics on a Sunday Does he think that multiplying work with more work will negate each other out?
New Policy: One Associate At A Time
If you ask one of us associates for help, you have to give us time to help you. Asking multiple associates to help you doesn't make us work faster, it just makes more people do the same thing and someone is no doubt going to complain about not being helped because we were all too busy grabbing you flash drives.
I Guess She Wants Everyone Trained To Do Everything
"Can you help me?" A customer asked.
I'm afraid the customers of Derp-Mart are beyond help at this point. Our only hope is to cryogenically freeze them and hope that we can cure stupidity in the future.
"I'll try." I replied.
"We bought a laptop a few weeks back and the price dropped. I want the difference between what I paid and the current price."
"Sure. Those transactions are done in our customer service area at the front of the store."
Frustrated, she walks away until she came to another associate and asked him the same thing she asked me.
"That's done in our customer service up front." The associate responds.
"UGH! Derp-Mart is the worst run company ever!! None of you guys can help me."
Yes, obese crazy lady, do tell us how we can better the entire store. Maybe move customer service around every week so people have to search for it, like a treasure hunt. Maybe it's a sign I've been working here too long but whenever something like this happens to a rude customer, I take a bit of perverse joy in it ^_^
Psh, Who Needs Release Dates?
"Where can I pre-order the Nintendo WiiU?" A customer asks.
"We do our pre-orders are done back in a layaway section."
"Can I pick it up before the release date?"
ಠ_à²
"We do our pre-orders are done back in a layaway section."
"Can I pick it up before the release date?"
ಠ_à²
Saturday, October 13, 2012
I Hate Phone Conversations
"Hi, I'm looking for the Linksys 6590. Do you have it?" The customer asks over the phone.
6500? Never heard of that but maybe it's a new one. I asked the customer to hold while I ran to check our supply. Nope, don't have it. I run back to the phone.
"We have 600, 900 and 1750." I tell her.
"No no no, 6590 is the model number. EA6590." How was I supposed to know that? You asked for the Linksys 6590, you didn't say it was the model number.
"Let me go check again." I said. I run over to the network section and see that the one she wants is the 1750, since that's the 6590 model. I run back to the phone and tell her we have what she's looking for.
"We have it."
"Great! How much is it?"
I run back to the networking section to check the price, $199.98, and run back to the phone.
"It'll cost you $200."
"Ok. And if I buy it and I'm dissatisfied, I can return it right?"
ಠ_ಠYes, but only after I strangle you.
6500? Never heard of that but maybe it's a new one. I asked the customer to hold while I ran to check our supply. Nope, don't have it. I run back to the phone.
"We have 600, 900 and 1750." I tell her.
"No no no, 6590 is the model number. EA6590." How was I supposed to know that? You asked for the Linksys 6590, you didn't say it was the model number.
"Let me go check again." I said. I run over to the network section and see that the one she wants is the 1750, since that's the 6590 model. I run back to the phone and tell her we have what she's looking for.
"We have it."
"Great! How much is it?"
I run back to the networking section to check the price, $199.98, and run back to the phone.
"It'll cost you $200."
"Ok. And if I buy it and I'm dissatisfied, I can return it right?"
ಠ_ಠYes, but only after I strangle you.
Better Them Than Me
"I need this laptop." A customer commanded. "Oh and this one and this third one over there."
I grab the keys and grab the laptops she asked for. We had two of the ones she wanted but was missing the 3rd. Considering how often we're out of laptops, this is a pretty good sale.
"Did you want to purchase them or put them on layaway?" I asked.
"I just want to compare the laptops." She replied, completely oblivious to the fact that we put the specs on the price labels.
"We only have two of the laptops you wanted. We are out of the third one you wanted."
"What?! That's ridiculous. I want to speak to your manager!"
Ridiculous indeed.
I grab the keys and grab the laptops she asked for. We had two of the ones she wanted but was missing the 3rd. Considering how often we're out of laptops, this is a pretty good sale.
"Did you want to purchase them or put them on layaway?" I asked.
"I just want to compare the laptops." She replied, completely oblivious to the fact that we put the specs on the price labels.
"We only have two of the laptops you wanted. We are out of the third one you wanted."
"What?! That's ridiculous. I want to speak to your manager!"
Ridiculous indeed.
I Sure Hope These People Don't Drive
"Excuse me, do you have Rock of Ages on DVD? I'm only seeing the blu-ray version here. She said pointing to the blu-ray version on our shelf.
"Do you mean this DVD version?" I ask pointing to the DVD version right next to the blu-ray version.
"Ah, there it is. Thanks."
ಠ_à²
"Do you mean this DVD version?" I ask pointing to the DVD version right next to the blu-ray version.
"Ah, there it is. Thanks."
ಠ_à²
What Did She Expect Me To Do?
"Can you help me with a desktop?" A customer asks.
"Sure thing." I walk over to the desktop section only to find another associate there scanning the desktop she wanted to see if we had them in stock.
"Are you helping this woman out?" I ask pointing behind me.
"There's no one behind you." My associate replies. Sure enough, the woman didn't even have the decency to follow me. "Was it a Black lady that asked you over here?"
"Yep."
"Yeah, I'm helping her."
"What did she want me to do? Did she really think that two people would make it go faster?"
"People are stupid, man."
"Sure thing." I walk over to the desktop section only to find another associate there scanning the desktop she wanted to see if we had them in stock.
"Are you helping this woman out?" I ask pointing behind me.
"There's no one behind you." My associate replies. Sure enough, the woman didn't even have the decency to follow me. "Was it a Black lady that asked you over here?"
"Yep."
"Yeah, I'm helping her."
"What did she want me to do? Did she really think that two people would make it go faster?"
"People are stupid, man."
What Do I Know? I Just Work Here.
"I'm looking for a power cord for my laptop. I lost mine." a customer interrupted me while I was helping another customer.
"I'm not sure if we have those, but if we do it'll be in our power and connectivity section." I reply.
"no no, it's for my computer so it'll be in the computer accessories section."
Well, by all means old man, you certainly know better than me. So I pointed him to the computer accessories section and let him do his thing. He looked and looked but never found it. Not that we have it. And he left mad, which only made me happy, as it should.
"I'm not sure if we have those, but if we do it'll be in our power and connectivity section." I reply.
"no no, it's for my computer so it'll be in the computer accessories section."
Well, by all means old man, you certainly know better than me. So I pointed him to the computer accessories section and let him do his thing. He looked and looked but never found it. Not that we have it. And he left mad, which only made me happy, as it should.
Note to Self: Just Say No
"We want a 55in Vizio TV." An elderly couple tells me.
"Sure thing." I grab the handheld scanner to make sure we have it in stock. No more heading back into the cage just to come back empty handed. I scan the bar code and we have 4 in stock. So I run back, grab the keys from the manager, open the cage, return the keys and look for their TV. Despite the fact that the handheld said we had 4 in stock, we only had one (That hand held is so off my Christmas Mailing List) and the box was open, which means someone returned it. I know they're not going to want it. Even at a discount, these people won't take anything that's been opened, as if its been infected with airborne STDs. So I go back out and tell them that the TV is open and used but it works and they get it at a discount.
"Can you call the nearest Derp-Mart to see if they have the TV?"
Sure, why not. I go back to the counter, pull out the giant white binder that has all the numbers in it and I start dialing away while a bunch of other derps try and get me to do stuff for them, as if they couldn't tell I was already pre-occupied. I find the number and dial it into the phone when the couple stops by to tell me to forget about it because they have to leave. If you have a time limit, why did you come in to buy a TV? And why did you ask me to call another site? It's not like this stuff is done in just a few seconds like buying a bag of weed. This stuff takes time. Next time, I'm just going to say no. No, we don't have what you're looking for and we can't call anymore Derp-Marts because we torched the binder that contained all the numbers.
"Sure thing." I grab the handheld scanner to make sure we have it in stock. No more heading back into the cage just to come back empty handed. I scan the bar code and we have 4 in stock. So I run back, grab the keys from the manager, open the cage, return the keys and look for their TV. Despite the fact that the handheld said we had 4 in stock, we only had one (That hand held is so off my Christmas Mailing List) and the box was open, which means someone returned it. I know they're not going to want it. Even at a discount, these people won't take anything that's been opened, as if its been infected with airborne STDs. So I go back out and tell them that the TV is open and used but it works and they get it at a discount.
"Can you call the nearest Derp-Mart to see if they have the TV?"
Sure, why not. I go back to the counter, pull out the giant white binder that has all the numbers in it and I start dialing away while a bunch of other derps try and get me to do stuff for them, as if they couldn't tell I was already pre-occupied. I find the number and dial it into the phone when the couple stops by to tell me to forget about it because they have to leave. If you have a time limit, why did you come in to buy a TV? And why did you ask me to call another site? It's not like this stuff is done in just a few seconds like buying a bag of weed. This stuff takes time. Next time, I'm just going to say no. No, we don't have what you're looking for and we can't call anymore Derp-Marts because we torched the binder that contained all the numbers.
Secret Ninja Derp-Mart Spies (Hollywood, You Know You Want to Make This Movie. I'll Give You the Rights To It And Even My Comedic Talents In Exchange For 9% Royalties On All Derp-Mart Ninja Products)
I'm not sure what's more offensive being asked if I work at Derp-Mart or someone apologizing for mistakenly thinking I don't. I'm wearing the Derp-Mart colors and a humiliating name-tag for a reason, people. Also, if you don't know how to pronounce my name, it's ok. We don't really care if you call us by name or not (I'm betting the name tag is more of us workers to know each other than it is for you) but we do care if you say it wrong, or at least I do. Though, if there's a secret clan of ninja hoodlums that go around all the Derp-Marts dressing up as workers, complete with name tags, just to confuse customers I will personally apologize to everyone who asked if I worked there or thought I didn't. Also, we should really make a movie out of ninjas going undercover at Derp-Mart to discover where we keep the dead bodies of those workers who try and unionize. (In the secret basement, every Derp-Mart has one. The entrances are located in the bathroom, that way people don't notice the smell and just blame it on the obese, bald worker (who is usually male but sometimes female, scarily enough).
Sunday, October 7, 2012
I'm Officially In Favor of Eugenics
"I bought a printer from you guys and I need helping printing off a copy of my birth certificate." A man on the phone said.
A simple enough request.
"Ok, did your printer not print the image of your certificate?"
"No. I don't know what to do."
"Ok, first open the file that contains the image of your birth certificate."
"I have the certificate in my hands." he tells me. "I'm trying to make a copy of it."
"Do you have a scanner?" I ask.
"Oh, so that worker the other day was being serious when he said I needed a scanner to do this. I thought he was trying to swindle more money out of poor, old me. I guess I'll need to buy one. Thanks."
ಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_à²
A simple enough request.
"Ok, did your printer not print the image of your certificate?"
"No. I don't know what to do."
"Ok, first open the file that contains the image of your birth certificate."
"I have the certificate in my hands." he tells me. "I'm trying to make a copy of it."
"Do you have a scanner?" I ask.
"Oh, so that worker the other day was being serious when he said I needed a scanner to do this. I thought he was trying to swindle more money out of poor, old me. I guess I'll need to buy one. Thanks."
ಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_à²
I Blame You For Trying
"I'm looking for the new Jeff Dunham DVD." An older gent said. "He's a ventriloquist."
Oh, how fancy. I bet he and his dummies get all the chicks. I lead the man over to our only Jeff Dunham DVD. "Nah, I already have this one. It's from a new act." Ok, a new act. I take him over to our new releases section, maybe we just got it in.
"Nope, not here either. When was it released?" I asked.
"Not sure. I just know that it's premiering tonight on TV."
"If it's premiering tonight, then it's not going to be on TV."
"Oh well, can't blame me for trying."
I blame you for trying.
Oh, how fancy. I bet he and his dummies get all the chicks. I lead the man over to our only Jeff Dunham DVD. "Nah, I already have this one. It's from a new act." Ok, a new act. I take him over to our new releases section, maybe we just got it in.
"Nope, not here either. When was it released?" I asked.
"Not sure. I just know that it's premiering tonight on TV."
"If it's premiering tonight, then it's not going to be on TV."
"Oh well, can't blame me for trying."
I blame you for trying.
Yes, Ma'am, Yes I Do.
"These flash drives were on sale for $3 yesterday but now they're $3.95. Why the price increase? I wanted to buy one for $3" A woman complained. Really, we're complaining about 95 cents now?
"That was the same price it was yesterday. You're just remembering the $3 part and forgetting about the cents. It's a funny little trick our brains play on us. It's why they advertise gas prices as blah and 9/10s of a penny or items as blah99, because we don't process as a dollar higher than it really is."
"Do you really think I'm so stupid that I wouldn't know the difference?"
Yes, Ma'am, yes I do.
"That was the same price it was yesterday. You're just remembering the $3 part and forgetting about the cents. It's a funny little trick our brains play on us. It's why they advertise gas prices as blah and 9/10s of a penny or items as blah99, because we don't process as a dollar higher than it really is."
"Do you really think I'm so stupid that I wouldn't know the difference?"
Yes, Ma'am, yes I do.
Return of the Playstation 3 Woman
"The guy yesterday lied to me!" The whiny woman complained to me. I'm not sure what's worse, the fact that she's calling me a liar or the fact that she doesn't even recognize me from yesterday. It's not like I got face-lift or anything. "He sold me the wrong cords." So I lead her back to our cables section and ask what she's looking for, despite the fact that she clearly doesn't know. "I need the red, white and yellow cables but the ones with an HDMI end, that's what my husband says."
"There's no such product."
"My husband says there is."
"He's probably talking about HDMI cables. Does your TV have an HDMI input?"
"It does but that's not what we need."
"I'm almost certain that's exactly what you need."
"If it's not, I'm complaining to your manager. I'm tired of coming back to this Derp-Mart all the time."
And we're tired of dealing with your $#@!, lady.
"There's no such product."
"My husband says there is."
"He's probably talking about HDMI cables. Does your TV have an HDMI input?"
"It does but that's not what we need."
"I'm almost certain that's exactly what you need."
"If it's not, I'm complaining to your manager. I'm tired of coming back to this Derp-Mart all the time."
And we're tired of dealing with your $#@!, lady.
New Policy: Dress Code
Sorry fatties, but we're throwing down a new rule specifically for you. You're no longer allowed to wear tight-fitting clothing if your flab is just going to ooze out from under it. Cry about your rights all you want but your freedom ends when you start to make my eyes bleed.
Maybe She's From The Future
"I'm looking for a newly released movie." A customer says. I lead her over to our newly released section. "I'm not seeing the title here."
"When was it released?" I asked.
"On the 9th."
"Of October?"
"Yes."
"You mean it comes out in two days?"
"I guess I'll come back in two days and get it." She says and leaves.
I am amazed someone like that has managed to live for so long.
"When was it released?" I asked.
"On the 9th."
"Of October?"
"Yes."
"You mean it comes out in two days?"
"I guess I'll come back in two days and get it." She says and leaves.
I am amazed someone like that has managed to live for so long.
Dairy Adventures Part II
"Excuse me," A customer begins "What's the difference between American and European style butter?"
"We regularly inject our cows with a steady dose of hardcore, american patriotism, which gives the cows the red, white and blue stripes of freedom on their hide. Whereas in Europe, they give their cows free medical care because they're socialists. Also the French cows are gay and stink. Honestly, I have no idea what the difference is."
I'm sure I made that customer's day...unless they were European...
"We regularly inject our cows with a steady dose of hardcore, american patriotism, which gives the cows the red, white and blue stripes of freedom on their hide. Whereas in Europe, they give their cows free medical care because they're socialists. Also the French cows are gay and stink. Honestly, I have no idea what the difference is."
I'm sure I made that customer's day...unless they were European...
Dairy Adventures Part I
"You don't look like you're doing anything. Come with me." The food manager ordered. Silly me, here I was carrying an Nintendo 3DS to layaway for a customer. We'll, I've certainly learned my lesson. It it's not a large item, it doesn't count as work. "I hope you like the cold."
"I sleep in a blanket and we live in the middle of a desert. So, no, I don't."
The manager led me back to the freezer where she gave me my marching orders. "I have two jobs for you. Restock milk, but it's kind of full right now so you can do that later. Also, there's a cart filled with overstocked items. Take it out to the floor and restock what you can.
So, I was taken out of the busy electronics section to restock dairy products that don't need to be restocked. Brilliant!
"I sleep in a blanket and we live in the middle of a desert. So, no, I don't."
The manager led me back to the freezer where she gave me my marching orders. "I have two jobs for you. Restock milk, but it's kind of full right now so you can do that later. Also, there's a cart filled with overstocked items. Take it out to the floor and restock what you can.
So, I was taken out of the busy electronics section to restock dairy products that don't need to be restocked. Brilliant!
It's So Far Away
A customer came in looking to purchase a particular type of TV. We checked the backroom, but didn't have anything. "Sorry, we don't have any in stock." I told them.
"Can you check to see if another Derp-Mart has it?" The customer asked.
I got on the phone and called the nearest location to us. They did have it in stock. They could hold it for one hour. Any longer than that and they'd have to put it back on the floor to give the other customers a chance to buy it.
"Only an hour?!" The customer's wife compained. "It's on the other side of down, we'll never make it."
Since when was 15 minutes away 'The other side of town'? How small does she think this town is? And how can they not make that? Was she planning on walking over there?
"Can you check to see if another Derp-Mart has it?" The customer asked.
I got on the phone and called the nearest location to us. They did have it in stock. They could hold it for one hour. Any longer than that and they'd have to put it back on the floor to give the other customers a chance to buy it.
"Only an hour?!" The customer's wife compained. "It's on the other side of down, we'll never make it."
Since when was 15 minutes away 'The other side of town'? How small does she think this town is? And how can they not make that? Was she planning on walking over there?
Derp-Mart's Derp Policies
Lets you think stupidity is a trait exclusive to Derp-Mart customers, here's an example of how Derp-Mart itself is part of the problem. We keep our big TV and electronics that aren't stocked on the floor locked away in a metal cage. Makes sense, we gotta put it somewhere, right? You'd think they'd give us a key to the cage, since we need to be in and out it frequently, but they don't. Only managers have them. Now that the holidays are here, we've gotten quite busy, so we're bothering managers more and more often.
"You guys need to team up with each other whenever you come back to grab something because I can't keep running back and forth from receiving to the cage." One manager complained.
Sorry customers, I would love to grab that TV for you but we need to wait until more people demand TVs because our managers just don't feel like opening the cage every so often. Yeah, that'll go over real well with them.
"Can we get a copy of the key, so we don't need to bother you?" I ask.
"Nope. Company policy says that only managers get the key to the cage."
You can't blame Derp-Mart for not trusting us. I mean, one of us employees might try to 5-finger discount one of the 50 in TVs since they're so easy to conceal and steal. Best to inconvenience everyone to prevent that from happening. So much for all that "our workers are the best." crap they fed us during training.
"You guys need to team up with each other whenever you come back to grab something because I can't keep running back and forth from receiving to the cage." One manager complained.
Sorry customers, I would love to grab that TV for you but we need to wait until more people demand TVs because our managers just don't feel like opening the cage every so often. Yeah, that'll go over real well with them.
"Can we get a copy of the key, so we don't need to bother you?" I ask.
"Nope. Company policy says that only managers get the key to the cage."
You can't blame Derp-Mart for not trusting us. I mean, one of us employees might try to 5-finger discount one of the 50 in TVs since they're so easy to conceal and steal. Best to inconvenience everyone to prevent that from happening. So much for all that "our workers are the best." crap they fed us during training.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
PS3, Playstation 3, Same Thing
"I'm looking for a 3-way cord for our Playstation 3." A mother to two asked of me.
3-way cord? Are cords getting more action than me now? "Do you mean composite cables?" I walked her over to our TV cable section. "The composite, component and HDMI cables will all work for your PS3."
"We don't have a PS3." She replies.
"I thought you said you did."
"No, I said I had a Playstation 3."
I really should be calling Child Protective Services on some Derp-Mart Customers.
3-way cord? Are cords getting more action than me now? "Do you mean composite cables?" I walked her over to our TV cable section. "The composite, component and HDMI cables will all work for your PS3."
"We don't have a PS3." She replies.
"I thought you said you did."
"No, I said I had a Playstation 3."
I really should be calling Child Protective Services on some Derp-Mart Customers.
Maybe She Has Abandonment Issues
"I need a new power charger for my portable DVD player." The woman demanded. No one ever says please anymore. WTF is up with that?
"Yours didn't come with one?" I ask.
"We leaned it to a friend and they lost it." She replied.
"Your friend lost it and they aren't going to buy you a replacement?"
"No, that friend lent us their cable and then took it back."
?_? Whatever, forget it. How she lost it doesn't matter. I lead her over to our power section.
"These are all the power cords we have in stock. Hopefully we carry the one you need."
"I don't know what I'm looking for." She told me.
And I would?! "You might have to bring it in for us to look at so we can help you."
"Ok, but that requires a lot of trips."
Since when was two trips a lot? Did you have to fly in from Mexico or something? "If you need anything , just holler at us." I tell her.
"Wait, you're leaving me? Is someone else coming to help?"
"How can we help you when you don't know what you need?"
"I don't know!"
The customers of Derp-Mart are the greatest case against evolution I have ever seen in my life!
"Yours didn't come with one?" I ask.
"We leaned it to a friend and they lost it." She replied.
"Your friend lost it and they aren't going to buy you a replacement?"
"No, that friend lent us their cable and then took it back."
?_? Whatever, forget it. How she lost it doesn't matter. I lead her over to our power section.
"These are all the power cords we have in stock. Hopefully we carry the one you need."
"I don't know what I'm looking for." She told me.
And I would?! "You might have to bring it in for us to look at so we can help you."
"Ok, but that requires a lot of trips."
Since when was two trips a lot? Did you have to fly in from Mexico or something? "If you need anything , just holler at us." I tell her.
"Wait, you're leaving me? Is someone else coming to help?"
"How can we help you when you don't know what you need?"
"I don't know!"
The customers of Derp-Mart are the greatest case against evolution I have ever seen in my life!
I Should Start Charging People Just To Listen To Them
"My brother and I fix TV in our shop." This senior citizen started. "People bring in these thousand dollar TVs, that are broken and yet only a small component of it is broken. We buy them dirt cheap, fix them cheap and then we sell them for 300 or 400 dollar profit. You know, I see these people who are dirt poor, buying these half to a thousand dollar TVs on credit. We have people like that in our church. They'll come in to see the bishop because they can't pay their bills and the bishop says that they need to part with their cable and Netflix among other things but they can't, they're addicted to it. That's what's wrong with this country, people are bad with money and they want instant gratification. But Jesus is coming soon and then they'll have to answer to God."
"Um, do you need some help with a purchase, sir?" I finally asked back.
"No, I was just window shopping."
-_-
"Um, do you need some help with a purchase, sir?" I finally asked back.
"No, I was just window shopping."
-_-
New Policy: Throw Your Garbage Away
And I don't mean on the ground or on our shelves. I mean in the garbage can. I know you are a piece of $#@! but we like to keep stuff clean. If you're too lazy to throw your trash away, hold onto it until you get into your car. We all know that that's a big mobile dump.
To The Left, To The Left
"Excuse me," a man from a group of Asians called out to me. "You have your DVD section here in front of us but where is your Blu-Ray section?"
I point five feet to their left to our Blu-Ray section with a large sign that says "Blu-Ray".
I point five feet to their left to our Blu-Ray section with a large sign that says "Blu-Ray".
Ouch...
"Oops, sorry. Didn't see you there." The customer said after hitting me in the shin with her cart.
Oh, all is forgiven. I mean, I'm so camouflaged what with my big frame, brown skin and blue shirt against a white tile floor and clear aisle.
Oh, all is forgiven. I mean, I'm so camouflaged what with my big frame, brown skin and blue shirt against a white tile floor and clear aisle.
New Policy: Put Stuff Back
You grab stuff and decide against purchasing it, you are required to at least put it back in at least the right section. Most of my days are spent putting things back in their rightful place because people can't be bothered to put it back where they got it. Granted, I probably wouldn't have a job if not for all this stuff out of place so I'm not complaining about movies placed carelessly around. I'm complaining about the stuff that doesn't belong in our section. Toys, clothes, camping supplies, home and garden, all this doesn't belong in electronics and we don't have the time to go back put the stuff you can't be bothered with away. The worst part is when you leave food products and perishables. That $#@! doesn't grow on trees! Well, I guess some of this stuff does grow on trees but you know what I mean.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Midget Uprising
A midget came in the other day. At first, I felt like
laughing. Not because of anything he did, it’s just that whenever I see one I’m
reminded of that South
Park
“Excuse me,” The man said. “I would like to buy this game.”
“Sure, I’ll grab it for you.” I say. Wait, am I insinuating
that I’m grabbing it because he can’t reach it? I mean, I have the key, so
obviously he needs me to grab it for him, right? “Is this all for you?” He
doesn’t need anything else. “K, I can check
you out over here.” I hope he didn’t take that the wrong way. “At this
register here.” Nice save. So I scanned the item. Crap, it’s an M rated title.
I need to ask for ID. Would he get offended if I asked? Whatever, he’s at least
17. “Your total is $60.”
“I want to use my debit card.”
“You can use the card reader right in front of you.” Wait,
can he reach the reader? Will he get offended if I ask? Maybe he’s a psychic
midget. If that’s true, then he knows my thoughts. He’s going to kill me! And I
can’t hurt him back. No one is going to believe me about his psychic powers. He
probably already has the police and county in his pocket. The receipt for the
game pops out. Guess he could reach it. “Ok sir, here are your items. The door
lady is going to ask for the receipt.” Wait is he going to insinuate that they’re
going to check the receipt because he’s a midget? “It’s because they’re anal
about stealing.” Phew, that was close. My brain is still in tact. My brain didn’t
explode, so he wasn’t offended. Or was he and he’s just biding his time,
waiting for me to publish my book. Then he’ll strike and steal my money to fund
their midget uprising. I’m on to you little people. You won’t get away with
this!
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