Elf On My @$$

"How can you not have it?!" I hear a customer scream (I'm not going to state the gender but I think we all can tell at this point).
Oh jeez, what is it this time? I notice one of our more sensitive associates talking to the source of the noise. Being the awesome hero I am, I go over to save her. Not because I like her but because I'm sure what's about to happen will make a great blog entry.
"Maybe he knows." The associate says, pointing to me.
"I'm looking for a classic holiday movie." The customer tells me. "It's called Elf On The Shelf."
WTF is that? We only stock good movies here.
"I've never heard of that movie before." I said.
"Me neither." echoed my associate.
"It's a really popular movie children's movie."
"I've heard of Indian in the Cupboard. But I wouldn't call an Indian an elf or a cupboard a shelf." I casually joked. "But we don't have that movie in stock."
"Can't you look it up on your computer?" She asked.
"We don't have a computer with a list of our inventory."
"If you don't have a computer, then what's that?" She said pointing to our register.
"That's our cash register."
"I remember using a computer last time I was here to see what you ha in stock."
"We have a computer connected to derpmart.com. That's a list of all products in derpmarts, not just ours."
I took her over to our sole computer with internet access (that can only connect to derp-mart related material. Just our luck that the network was down that day.
"Can I talk to your manager?" I pointed out our manager who just happened to be walking by at that moment because life is funny like that. "Do you have Elf on The Shelf?" she asked him.
"I've never heard of that." He replied.
Check and mate.

For those of you who are curious. Elf on the Shelf was a book published in 2005. Hardly a classic she claimed it to be. Also, there is no movie. There was a television special shown on TV in 2011 but no releases. So, what we have here is a customer who was outraged, OUTRAGED, that we didn't have a movie that doesn't exist.